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  1. #1

    miserable in NYC

    My wife and I have been having problems since 9/11 when I lost my job. Since then I lived off of FEMA and Red Cross grants for a year and then bounced around trying to find a job (and finding a bunch that didn't last more than a few months) in a weak job market for the last 3 years. In that time her business grew and she became more angry and resentful for having to support us and started acting out. So I started staying out later and basically making myself scarce which she became even more resentful about.

    Fast Forward: We've been in counseling now for a year and at the start of the summer she kind of forced me into separating for what she said would be 3 moths. So I left our posh highrise studio apt and live in a coatcloset at a friend's place.

    Five months later we're still apart though I've gone through steps to fix the wrongs of the past have sworn my undying love for the woman and promise to be a changed man but she's not interested yet she SAYS she's not ready for a divorce and sees us possibly getting back together but in a few months. I'm like "fine" I'll live in this closet away from my dog and wife as long as you're not going to date and there's hope (note the therapist seems very anti-marriage to me and has suggested that we date other people for months now).

    My wife still has me over to walk the dog, do favors etc. and now she wants me to install a new computer. So I go over there as she asks and after she leaves me with the old puter I notice right there on the screen is a complete dating profile for match.com. So the next counseling session I bring up the fact that I think she's looking to date people. She patently denies it. Same thing happens today when she asks me over to walk the dog. I go to print out something and an email is right there having her ask her clients to watch for potential men out there and talking about match.com. Now my question, as a man who is honestly trying to work this out and stay together, is how do I bring this up? I wasn't snooping, it's still our place even though she pays the rent and most of my stuff is there.
    Wait a week until counseling?

    Thanks, sorry I ramble when I'm miserable.

  2. #2

    miserable in NYC

    My wife and I have been having problems since 9/11 when I lost my job. Since then I lived off of FEMA and Red Cross grants for a year and then bounced around trying to find a job (and finding a bunch that didn't last more than a few months) in a weak job market for the last 3 years. In that time her business grew and she became more angry and resentful for having to support us and started acting out. So I started staying out later and basically making myself scarce which she became even more resentful about.

    Fast Forward: We've been in counseling now for a year and at the start of the summer she kind of forced me into separating for what she said would be 3 moths. So I left our posh highrise studio apt and live in a coatcloset at a friend's place.

    Five months later we're still apart though I've gone through steps to fix the wrongs of the past have sworn my undying love for the woman and promise to be a changed man but she's not interested yet she SAYS she's not ready for a divorce and sees us possibly getting back together but in a few months. I'm like "fine" I'll live in this closet away from my dog and wife as long as you're not going to date and there's hope (note the therapist seems very anti-marriage to me and has suggested that we date other people for months now).

    My wife still has me over to walk the dog, do favors etc. and now she wants me to install a new computer. So I go over there as she asks and after she leaves me with the old puter I notice right there on the screen is a complete dating profile for match.com. So the next counseling session I bring up the fact that I think she's looking to date people. She patently denies it. Same thing happens today when she asks me over to walk the dog. I go to print out something and an email is right there having her ask her clients to watch for potential men out there and talking about match.com. Now my question, as a man who is honestly trying to work this out and stay together, is how do I bring this up? I wasn't snooping, it's still our place even though she pays the rent and most of my stuff is there.
    Wait a week until counseling?

    Thanks, sorry I ramble when I'm miserable.

  3. #3

    miserable in NYC

    If you've been in councelling for a year and your relationship still isn't moving forward, perhaps you should consider (1) finding another counsellor, or (2) just calling it quits and moving on with your life.

  4. #4

    miserable in NYC

    If you've been in councelling for a year and your relationship still isn't moving forward, perhaps you should consider (1) finding another counsellor, or (2) just calling it quits and moving on with your life.

  5. #5

    miserable in NYC

    Agreed, David. If a full year of counselling hasn't settled your differences, you can pretty much bet that something isn't working as it should. It could be that the counsellor isn't right for the two of you, or it could be that the relationship isn't one that can be saved.

    I'd bring up the idea of finding another counsellor and see how your wife reacts. If she's resistant, you probably have your answer right there. Another thing I'd do is stop being at her beck and call for those things she cannot, or will not, do for herself.

    It may be time for you to move on, hon. The only one who can know for sure is you.

  6. #6

    miserable in NYC

    Agreed, David. If a full year of counselling hasn't settled your differences, you can pretty much bet that something isn't working as it should. It could be that the counsellor isn't right for the two of you, or it could be that the relationship isn't one that can be saved.

    I'd bring up the idea of finding another counsellor and see how your wife reacts. If she's resistant, you probably have your answer right there. Another thing I'd do is stop being at her beck and call for those things she cannot, or will not, do for herself.

    It may be time for you to move on, hon. The only one who can know for sure is you.

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