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  1. #11
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    I understand totally Darkside,

    I get most of my dissociative sensation (which is like a drunken dream-like sensation) when I am directly tapped into memories from childhood and by that I don't just mean flashbacks etc I mean the sensations I felt as a child, helpless loneliness, the sensation of being powerless to stop what is happening, anger, distrust.

    The things you are struggling with are without a doubt the hardest things to get over which gives some insight to me that you have probably worked very hard already to change things both with how you feel and react.

    You are able to understand your family dynamics in a very objective way which helps you to avoid making the same mistakes but it comes at a great emotional physical exhaustion because every time you use these resources you are tapping into places your brain really doesn't want to be going and that is why psychotherapy is helpful here.

    It gives a structured environment in which to explore this stuff, your brain can only put so much away before the thoughts you don't want start spilling back out bringing all the emotions and feelings that come with this "leakage". This is exactly the sensation that made me go to psychotherapy I knew I had reached the end of the road and that whether I liked it or not I had to think about this stuff and try and order it all so I could move on.

    A lot of what you are stressing about and beating yourself up over is not actually "your" thought processes, it is ways of thinking that have been inflicted because of childhood experiences and that is incredibly difficult to break so we spin round in the react, remember, hate, get angry and try and forget again cycle

    It is very telling that you can see clearly the dysfunction generationally within your family, this is much the same as mines and what I can see, yet no one else seems to be able to within my family and much the same as yourself again, anything awkward gets swept under the rug, which included myself.

    I have read quite a bit on how people can react to abusive childhoods and they fall basically into two categories, they go on to do the same or worse or the they strive to break the cycle and not repeat what they experienced.

    Unfortunately too many go on to do the same or worse than they experienced, but this is where I draw comfort and you should to, in that you are aware enough that you can see those patterns and strive to avoid them carving out both a different path for yourself and those around you.

    It is not easy to do though, and I suspect this may be where much of your anxiety lies, you have to be tapped into the past to be able for it not to shape behavior now and that is exhaustive, your are working twice as much mentally to keep things under control than the average person.

    It could be if you start speaking about your issues to people who can help i.e in your work etc that they may be able to recommend a psychotherapist or know of someone who has accessed a service where it does not cost as much as what the others you have checked out.

    Only you will know what you can and cannot speak to these people about but what I do know is your of no use to anyone if your becoming so swamped you can't function.

    From reading your posts I see a resilience and awareness that most people don't exercise if you utilized this a bit more in your own favor anything is truly possible.

    You are at a very difficult juncture in life where the dynamic between yourself and your mother has shifted dramatically and you have been left with the underside of all of this to sort out, I feel you (under the circumstances) are doing very well and how you are feeling is easily understandable given all you are facing.

  2. #12
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    Exactly... so much amazing, incredible work must already have been done, for you to be where you're at, Darkside. I am so happy WOOBY has so much relevant experience that is a great resource... gosh, it must be so crucial to find someone with similar enough experiences to truly understand, and it could be quite difficult to find that, i imagine.

    That does make me wonder about the option of support groups or some sort of group work? I have no idea whether you have already considered options like that, or whether they would be suitable or applicable for these situations as an interim option perhaps, until you find a good fit for an affordable therapist?

    Yes, I hope you have some good luck soon in finding what you need. Your needs for balance and good mental health and self-care are important, and not secondary to other stuff or another person. I hope that will keep sinking in and you'll experience more and more benefits from that process.

  3. #13
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    Thank you both for your insights. Both of you wrote some things that are so very true.

    I have done some of the heavy lifting, but it is only now that I feel like I actually understand what happened to me as a child and how it has affected me as an adult. There is a saying in Christian teaching (and probably in other religions) that God never allows us to be tested beyond what we can handle. I suppose that time is now.

    Yesterday I emailed one of my supervisors and got a response saying she understood and not to worry, but also to speak to the project manager tomorrow. She is a good person and she will understand. At least I don't feel like I am about to lose my job.

    W00BY, you are so right about the amount of energy it takes to keep myself together. One thing I noticed recently is that under stress my throat feels like it is closing - it feels like its hard to breath.

    I wish it wasn't so hard to find a good therapist.

  4. #14
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    My mother has found my phone number and has been calling me 2-3 times a week. She is in assisted living, but she wants this and that. It really grates on my nerves and she is either unaware or does not care what a burden all of this has become. Sunday I called her and told her I would take her to her house to pick up some of her clothes. I knew it would be an ordeal so I spent over an hour preparing myself mentally. I told her up front we had to finish before dark. Well, she goes in and starts looking around at all her stuff. Then she starts telling me the things she wants. A few things is fine but I reminded her about the clothes. She ignored me and kept on putting things in a box. "Mom, it is getting dark and I can't see to put these things in the car." Finally she starts getting her clothes - which I have to carry. Thankfully, she finished quickly but then started going through drawers and looking in boxes. See, it's all about her and she never once asked about how the house repairs were going and how I was doing ... NOT ONE SINGLE TIME. Still, I stayed pretty calm and let her look around until it started to get very dark and then I had to push her to hurry up.

    Today she calls me up again, and although she sugarcoats it with politeness, she starts telling me the things she wants. "I need a blanket for my bed", "I need money" "I need to go the beauty parlor" -- "oh, and thank you so much for all you've done."

    My immediate response is to think, "well, if I leave work now and do all these things I can be back in an hour or maybe an hour and a half." Then I realized, I don't have to do any of it right that second. Yeah, I'll get the old bitch a blanket, but she will have to figure out how to get to the beauty parlor and how to pay for it. I'm not her chauffeur or at her beck and call. Yeah right ... I don't have a life of my own I just exist to do for her and listen to her go on and on about her "things" and her life without any awareness of anyone else. I've never met anyone so selfish and so self-centered.

    I'm a horrible son.

  5. #15
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    No hun you are not a horrible son you have to set boundaries and keep them right Don't let your mother manipulate you any longer hun. You have your life now and when you can fit time in you do it. Your mother will never change it is you that have to change and you are slowly doing that. She will learn your boundaries and will have to abide by them if she wants you in her life hugs toyou

  6. #16
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    Thanks forgetmenot.

    So I went over there with a blanket and some money for the beauty parlor. Now she wants a quilt, another chair and she isn't going to the beauty parlor because she doesn't have a way to get there. I didn't volunteer to take her thank God. I can't tell what she really remembers and what she makes up out of thin air.

    For once in my life I wish I would stand up to her and tell her "no" to her face or how selfish and self-centered she acts. It would be a big step for me.

    I don't seem to be able to stand up for myself unless I get really, really angry and then whatever I say or do turns out to be an overreaction.

  7. #17
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    I just realized something important. At least part of the reason I am angry with my mother is that she did not protect me from sibling abuse when I was a child. She could have, and she knew about it, but she didn't lift one finger and never punished my older brother and sister for what they did.

    Mainly she was just too busy being a socialite, but she also chose to look the other way. I mentioned this to her one time and her response was, "well, if I had known I would have done something."

    Her powers of denial are something to behold.

  8. #18
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    That's not to say she wasn't an abuser too. She just used a scalpel and the others used a sledgehammer.

  9. #19
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    I bet our mothers would be best friends if they met each other,they sound like they have a lot in common.

  10. #20
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    Re: I really do hate my mother ...

    Even at 94, and with dementia, her denial skills are still strong and she is clever about it. If she doesn't want to admit something she will find a way not to. She takes responsibility for nothing.

    ---------- Post Merged at 07:01 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 06:57 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by Lost_In_Thought View Post
    I bet our mothers would be best friends if they met each other,they sound like they have a lot in common.
    Honest and responsible people do not like my mother. She can fool some of them for a short time, but I remember that the parents of friends of mine growing up avoided her. Most didn't care for her arrogance and haughtiness. She was able to maintain that facade even after my brother committed suicide.

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