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  1. #1
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    Afraid of my Anger

    Sorry if I keep making so many topics. Lately I've been so afraid that I've been holding my anger in too long that it will soon start taking over me again. I just don't know how to let my anger out in a healthy way. It seems the only thing I know how to do with my anger is hold it in until it explodes. I think this is because I always seen my anger as a bad thing and I figure the best thing to do is ignore it but I just can't ignore it for some reason. I keep getting these thoughts telling me I can't ignore my anger. I really feel like I'm about to lose control of myself any day now. What should I do.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    CrystalDreamer,

    I've taken the liberty to move your post to the Forum section dealing with Anger Management, where you will also find some helpful advice among the "Sticky" posts.

    Sorry if I keep making so many topics
    Not at all, and there is no need to apologize. You are doing just fine. When you have a new topic you wish to discuss and explore, you are doing the right thing by staring a new discussion. Hopefully you will find some answers and support in dealing with your important concerns.

    Was there something in particular that has triggered this current bout of anger you are experiencing, or is it an accumulation of things over a period of time?

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    I was wondering where this topic was. Sorry for not putting it in the right place. I think this anger I'm having is because I realize that the things that make me angry still do and I really wish they didn't. I want to experience happiness instead of anger and depression all the time but it's so hard when you have so much anger and depression. Also I know how bad my anger can get. It can get to the point where I start to get physical with others and I get into trouble. This is another reason why I try so hard to hold it in and I am so afraid of my anger.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    I had a lot of pent up anger. I took Muay Thai for a couple of years. Sparring did wonders for bringing down my anger. Jogging also helped. I'm not sure if it actually deals with the cause, but it sure made me feel better.

    Hope you get an answer that works for you.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    CrystalDreamer,

    Don't worry about putting a post "in the right place", because we'll move it if necessary and leave a temporary re-direct from the original location so you can find your message.

    As you progress through therapy, your thinking process should evolve to see that appreciation of differences and willingness to negotiate and to compromise is the way to interact with others than to resort to frustration and anger.

    Have a look through some of the "sticky" posts in Anger Management here on the Forum to learn ways of dealing with anger issues.

    Begin your journey to modifying your behaviour by working toward the realization that anger is not the reaction you need to allow, but rather trying to see the other person's point of view, and if you disagree with it, explain to them why you feel your point of view might have some merit. After hearing both points of view, see if there could be some middle ground where you could both be happy.

    It's understandable that when you're angry it's hard to feel happy. You need to find ways to substitute negotiation for the anger you have become accustomed to using as a first response.

    Negotiation: its a process that takes place every day when two or more people get together. For example, I may like Italian food, my buddy hates Italian, but likes German food....I don't like German food but after talking about it we find we both like Chinese...so we both agree on Chinese..not necessarily our first choice, but a mutually acceptable choice...negotiation, no arguments, no anger and everybody's happy.

    Have you ever tried negotiating with people, CrystalDreamer?

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    I never tried negotiating with people because I'm so afraid they won't agree with me. I remember in high school I did a speech in which I presented my opinion on a topic I'm very passionate about and even presented facts to back up my opinion, but sadly no one ever listened to me. It seems no matter people don't listen to me. It doesn't even matter is I'm being assertive or aggressive in my tone people just won't listen to me. It seems as though no one cares about me or what I have to say making me feel so unimportant sometimes. Why won't people listen to me even when I try to be assertive.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    I never tried negotiating with people because I'm so afraid they won't agree with me.
    The purpose of negotiating is not to make people agree with you, but rather to find common ground for both of you to find acceptable. You will always find that some people will disagree with you, and there's probably nothing you could ever do to change their minds. When you encounter someone with a point of view different from your own, you could try to politely discuss your differences, and try to diplomatically persuade them, but expect them to hold their ground, and that's OK too.

    Everyone is entitled to their opinion, and everyone has the right to hold their opinion. You may not see it their way, and that's your right too, but it's no reason to create a confrontation, in most cases.

    There may be situations where you need to make your case, such as when you have to advocate for yourself, say, to defend your rights, but that's a different situation where assertive action may be required.

    Being assertive requires considerable practice to get it right, because being assertive requires using just the right amount of force to achieve the result you need. Using too much force and you can appear to be overly aggressive and even belligerent and obnoxious. Sometimes when learning to be assertive, we make the mistake of using too much force making people become defensive and they cease to cooperate. It's like using a cannon when only a pea shooter is necessary.

    Assertiveness training can be arranged with your therapist where you can rehearse and practice to hone your skills.

    In summary, you cannot expect everyone to agree with you, and when you have a situation of disagreement, look for common ground where both of you can compromise.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    I really need to work on assertiveness. I guess it shouldn't matter rather people listen to me or not, but I would like it if people at least considered and thought about my point of view on things. Maybe the problem is that it's so hard for me to accept others point of view and that's why others don't accept my point of view. How can I be more flexible instead of so opinionated. It's so hard for me to change my mind on certain things. Once I form an opinion in my head it's stuck there.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    CrystalDreamer,

    How can I be more flexible instead of so opinionated.
    I've been accused of being opinionated as well, so here's the way I've tried to moderate my views. Opinions are based on information we gather, so for me, information gathering never stops. That way, I'm free to modify and even change my opinion, as long as the opinion change is supported by the facts.

    In many situations, facts and information can change with time, people can change with time and circumstances can change with time, so by constantly updating my knowledge, my views can change.

    This concept can even apply to disagreements or conflicts with people. If you ask the other person to explain their position, you may discover something in what they say that might change your mind about them or the situation.

    I think the key to being able to accomplish this, is to keep an open mind and keep your ego in check. Accept the possibility that you might be mistaken about an opinion you have formed and that you are willing to revise that opinion based on newly discovered facts.

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    Re: Afraid of my Anger

    What about a subject that seems to be solely a matter of opinion and there seem to be no facts to support rather it is right or wrong. How do you determine what is right and what is wrong then.

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