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  1. #1

    Empty

    ok, so my time away from "myself" pretty much just came down to more time to think about this crap. I guess, it is kind of impossible to get away from yourself though, lol. The only thing I find helps is to be at a place w/ people who keep you busy ie. going out and not coming home that night. I just feel really torn between everything, like if I realize I have a problem (ed) then shouldn't I be in a position to get help? but I don't know who to turn to. and I hate admitting to problems. you try to become the person who least deserves the help, you don't think you deserve anything better, so why would you deserve help, right? I was talking to a friend of mine today and she said that often our own fears and expectations are what make us feel stuck in a situation and not the situation itself. I completely agree that my fears of what will happen/people's reactions etc. and my expectations of having to live up to that perfect image (in all regards of my life) keep me from reaching out to those options, so I feel stuck... but how do I get around that????

    I honestly don't have a lot of hope that I will ever recover from my ed... and I am afraid that I won't ever be truly happy... b/c I find that now w/ getting amazing grades, having friendships, having a job/volunteering, and doing all the things I've always wanted to do things are great but at the end of the day there's this big void. a whole lot of emptiness. what was scary was that she (the person I talked to) could see that I wasn't happy which bugs me b/c I don't want to be "that" person but it's a relief somehwat but again I'm thinking of a million and one ways to "repair" that... you can't succeed at this battle if you're fighting yourself!!!! I've been fighting ME now since nine years. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to keep on living this "perect" life, to achieve all of those goals I have only to find myself 40 and miserable.... I can't see any ways out.... I couldn't even manage to go to counseling (granted, the fit just didn't work, but I couldn't even do that)! I'm in a position where I'm expected to be competent, have all the answers etc. there's no room for "ok, hold on, actually things aren't ok and everything that you ever thought about me is wrong". I got to the point last year where I couldn't even recognize myself anymore in the mirror- that's scary.

    I never thought I was depressed. Or I didn't want to believe it. Like w/ everything else. I said, just today, no I am generally happy but obviously there's times when things aren't as good.... I don't even believe myself but I can't help but think this way! I don't know why I push away every person that has every wanted to help and yet cry for someone to please help me. I feel like screaming a lot and I can't so it just ends up being this deathly scream inside my head- so loud it could break windows, yet it's silent. I can't cry. I don't feel. I feel dead a lot, did I say that before? I *c* so much yesterday and what do I feel like? nothing. I had gotten over si and was better w/ eating and before I knew it I was back where I started. if I can't go and get help, then will I ever be ok on my own??? will I be able to fight this myself????? Is there ANY hope???????? I have none right now.

    plssss.... anyone????

  2. #2

    Empty

    I've always thought I could fix myself, but I'm not so sure anymore.

    I think getting help is a good idea.

    I have been wondering about happiness lately. Wondering if it is a choice we make. I'm not sure.

    I think sometimes we get so down and so depressed that getting out on our own is too much. I don't know. I know if getting outside help was something I could do right now I would do it.

    I don't think anything I wrote makes any sense. But I wanted you to know that I can relate to what you are saying.

  3. #3

    Empty

    at the end of the day there's this big void. a whole lot of emptiness.
    There's the key, I think. What is that void? What's it about? All that activity and distraction doesn't seem to be able to fill it up... why not?

    I couldn't even manage to go to counseling (granted, the fit just didn't work, but I couldn't even do that)!
    But you talk as if that was your 'fault" -- the problem with the fit wasn't your "failure" -- it may not even have been the counselor's failure. It's like any other type of relationship -- sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

    Therapy DOES work though and it will in your case if you give it a chance. Step one is definitely finding that right fit, though.

  4. #4

    Empty

    Oh honey, I am so so sorry that things are like this for you it really hurt me to read your post (because of you not me) I just feel so much for you and I just want to reach out and help you and give you all the answers, but I don’t have any answers to give you. I know that you are saying about not getting help, but sweet heart you need to, I do not know how you do this when it is such a difficult thing to do. It was hard for me to get help but that was because of my low self esteem, not the reasons that you have identified.

    Hun no one has that ‘perfect’ life it doesn’t exist but yet often we still try to show that we do, this isn’t being true to yourself the real Heather didn’t come out until I started to tell people that no Heather wasn’t happy, even if everything seemed to be going right, under there was a Heather desperately saying let me out I can’t do this anymore it is too much.

    You are right about the distraction thing, works for me as well and the other thing I do is I often get involved with other peoples problems so much and ignore my own, which isn’t healthy.

    I think it is good that you have identified this but you need to act on it, I wish I could tell you how but in relation to this my experiences are some what different and I am not an expert, lol.

    I really think that you need to talk to someone and get this off your chest, I am not even suggesting a professional but even for now just a person, or can you do phone counselling for now? Because of the things you have said about going to see someone.

    I am always here if you want to PM me and talk about things and get stuff off your chest, I am never too far away :)

    Wish I could help but please except some ((((((((hugs)))))))) and some fairy dust ******* (if ok).

    Heather…

  5. #5

    Empty

    yeah I always thought and I guess still think so to some extend that I can fix myself too. it did make sense what you said Janet- thanks for replying. I hope that you will be able to reach out and get the help you need.

    see that's why I feel so bad though, so torn, b/c I feel like there's all these people out there who want to get better, who want the help and I'm taking that away from them almost... like when I went to counseling I felt like I shouldn't be there, like someone was more worthy of that... I do feel incompetent b/c I couldn't manage to go to counselling, I was the one who went and now I feel like I threw it all away. I tried, I opened up my LIFE to someone who I had known less than an hour shaking each minute and then I ran.. I guess saying that this is my fault and seeing things as my own fault in general justifies the way I feel. I'm not saying therapy doesn't work, I'm saying that I don't think I will ever get to that point.

    I can't tell you what that void is about... I don't know.... that's what's so frustrating and hopeless b.c I feel no matter what I do or what happens it's there. and yes, I stuff my days full w/ distractions, running from one place to the next, I guess one b/c those things make me feel good, but also to run away from myself, from life.... I can't tell you how many days that;s all I want to do. get away.

    thanks Heather *hugs* I was reading this study that said that one of the reasons why people got help or tried to change their ed was to live an authentic honest life- and just be themselves... I don't know what that feels like, to be honest w/ myself, w/ others...to just be me.... is it all bad? all good? I guess there's a medium but I just don't see how those 2 combine... I always focus on other's problems too, consciously or unconsciously.... w/ my family I'm put in that role, w/ friends and others I guess I take on that role myself.... why are all the things that make me feel good about myself so wrong???? why do I always need those things to make me feel good? to validate me? they don't at the end of the day anyways!!!! you know, I try to pretend and obviously it's working but I can't shake that feeling of being so hopeless, so defeated. I'm trying to "be happier" by I guess minimizing problems, which works for so long but I'm afraid that those things will still be there...waiting for me around the corner. they always have been, they always will be.
    lol, what was that fairy dust? it blocked it out...

  6. #6

    Empty

    I can't recall Eunoia... are you taking any medication now?

  7. #7

    Empty

    none. I never told anyone about any of this in all these years.... so no, no meds.... but again, I can't even go to therapy... I don't just want to take meds...ugh.

  8. #8

    Empty

    I'm not suggesting "just" meds. Are you familiar with the term "anhedonia"? Could that be the void? Have you considered that you are suffering from dysthymia or depression?

  9. #9

    Empty

    no, but I do get joy out of things... there's so many things I love to do and that make me happy. it's just that at the end of the day that's not enough b/c I know that it all seems so fake. I know about the past. I know about the present, where as noone around me does.
    to answer your question, have I considered dysthimia or depression? yes. but what's the point of adding something else to my list of issues... is that the void? I don't know. I think that if I didn't have to deal w/ this ed and wouldn't feel as helpless w/ family stuff that things would be a lot different... always having to pretend wears on you. I guess I've just done this too long...

  10. #10

    Empty

    I know that it all seems so fake
    Isn't that a form of anhedonia?

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