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  1. #1

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    Ten years ago I was diagnosed with depression. It took me five years to realize the importance of taking my medication regularly. I have made many mistakes in my life due to sexual abuse and child abuse. Please understand that I have taken responsibility for all of my mistakes and am not trying to use my childhood as an excuse for remaining in a rut, but unfortanately I still have issues to deal with. The main issue is fear. I especially have a fear of facing financial situations. I feel good if I am paying everything on time, but as soon as I am unable to pay one bill, I stop paying all of my bills. Then I ignore the phone, do not listen to my voice mails and of course everything gets worse. I recently had my car repossessed and I know this is because of my fears. I do not blame anyone for this except myself. If I would have just spoke with the finance company I would still have my car. The lady at the finance company told me that I was foot-loose and fancy free. If only she knew. I wish that were the case. I am just a woman who is stuck inside of her fears and unable to deal with my finances as soon as I think I am going to fail. I think I am self-destructive. I try do things that will improve my life, such as attend school, work everyday and try to learn something new everyday, but I think maybe i do not feel I deserve a better life. I think maybe I am punishing myself. I don't know. I just don't know. I tried to call my county mntal health organization, but I've benn on the waiting list since May of 2004. I canot afford a regular therapist, so I guess starting Monday I will try and research to find an affordable therapist. I so need to get out of this disaster that I am in. I now have to tkae a cab to work and I do not know how I will get to school. This is extremely expensive and not helping me at all. I just wish I could crawl in a hole and just go away. I hope that someday I am able to get over these fears and stop hindering myself.

  2. #2

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    Have you thought about talking to a credit counselor for assistance in managing debt? I don't know what the situation is in Illinois but in Ottawa there are such services available free of charge.

    I'm also struck by the statement that since your car was repossessed you now have to take a cab to work and school. Why is that? Is there no bus service available? Could you not arrange to car pool by offering to pay a portion of gas costs? That sort of thing is common in this area, especially among students.

  3. #3

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    Unfortunately, there is very limited public transportation. There is only one city that offers public transportation and it does not serve where I have to go on a daily basis. I am going to take your advice and speak with a credit counselor. I am also going to seek therapy as I feel that for some reason I keep myself limited in all areas of my life. I know that I am very intelligent and can find a better paying job that will challenge my intellect, but I am extremely fearful of pursuing a different career. I do think that I am self destructive and I wish I could find a magic cure to overcome this. If I ever want to achieve my dreams I am going to have to work extremely hard to overcome my obstacles.

  4. #4

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by zeborah
    If I ever want to achieve my dreams I am going to have to work extremely hard to overcome my obstacles.
    And you have started...

  5. #5

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    Thank You

  6. #6

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    two comments. 1st I think finding a therapist like you have been doing is a great start, b/c they may be able to help you overcome your fears and in the end self-destructive behaviours. 2nd, in terms of your financial situation could you set up some kind of system that would help you not only manage your finances better in general but also make sure that you pay your bills on time etc. (I guess that's the idea of a credit counselor). but my point is there is a way out of this, you said you're pretty good w/ keeping track of your finances until one thing doesn't get paid and then your fear takes over and everything goes downhill from there... working on your reaction and how to better handle this situation if it comes up, and meanwhile making sure you don't destroy your credit etc....


    in terms of the cab situation, my school has this program where you can carpool if you want (you pay in advance I'm assuming), fortunately we have great bus connections etc as well but it's just a thought... maybe you could even look into setting up a carpool system like this yourself (w/ other people obviously). contact someone at your school maybe? or offer to pay someone where you live (for their gas) to drive you at least some of the time, that'd still be much cheaper than taking a cab!!!

  7. #7

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    Yea, i was actually thinking of asking my dad if he would consider renting me his car for a couple of weeks. I was thinking maybe that would be cheaper than the stupid cab and then I wouldn't have to miss any school. But of course, I'm afraid to ask him. Stupid "fear"!

  8. #8

    My Fear Is Causing Me To Drown!!!

    ask (I realize this is much easier said than done) buuut you never know what will happen until you try. It definitely sounds like a much cheaper option than a cab! if you think this is too anxiety provoking though or too confrontational (given the history etc., depending on what "terms" you're on) you could consider askin someone else the same thing (to "rent" you their car for a while). good luck

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