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  1. #1

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    why does my mom enjoy putting down my friends? it's one thing for her to put me down, and make me feel like crap, but why does she have to insult my friends? she tends to get in these moods where she's very sarcastics and blames me for everything and says that I don't ever admit I'm wrong, which is not true (the things I don't admit to she doesn't even know about.... and she's talking about other things) and that I'm always the perfect one (she thinks that I say that I am above everyone else- which I've never said!). she does this when she's mad or upset or hurt and at the most inapprporiate times ie. when I'm about to go out or leave for school or even have an exam.... I don't know why she does this. when I try to say something she'll say she doesn't want to talk about it or keeps on twisting everything I say and is very hostile and sarcastic. so no matter what I say or do I'm the "bad" one. She blames me for a lot of things and yet expects me to fix things whenever there's an issue (family wise etc.). Then she'll call me up to tell me "let's forget about things" after she just called to yell at me for no reason or made me feel like the last piece of dirt on earth. I don't just get upset when she does this, but I physically break down sometimes, I can't take her doing this anymore.... she almost waits for me to tell her about a problem w/ a friend only so that she can say how bad person "x" is, but they're still my friends and she's my mom so she should be supportive and not judge others only to make me feel more like crap. I didn't ask her for her opinion, they're my friends, not hers, they are good people but it's like whenever they do one little thing wrong, she calls them bad people right away. and she almost seems to be proud to say so. she remembers the bad things about my friends or my sister's friends only to pull those out whenever she can- but they're humans, and I have my faults and so does she. she wants me to trust her w/ telling her things and then as soon as she knows she take the opportunity to throw it in my face how "bad" they are, how "bad" I am..... I don't get why my own mother does this. she's really not that bad, only when she gets in her moments.... but it's so hurtful. I have no defense against her, no way out of feeling like absolute DIRT after these conversations.

  2. #2

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    Does your mother have friends of her own? Did she have many good relationships growing up? This might be a personal question, but what is her relationship with your father?

  3. #3

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    I know that dealing with parents is very hard. You can't change them and that's tough. Have you ever tried talking to your mom about this when she's not in one of her moments? Maybe your mom doesn't realize how much it hurts you or maybe she is hurt when she sees that one of your friends hurt you and only knows how to express herself when she's in her moment. I say this because you said she's really not that bad.

  4. #4

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    talking to my mom is like talking to a wall sometimes. at least when it comes to a difference of an opinion, if she feels that she's right that's the only way that it is... I have tried, I do try, but I also just give up most of the time... but sometimes it does surprise me how much of a (negative) effect this has on the way I feel, physically, emotionally, mentally.... it definitely would help if she had a better support system herself, but since we moved she's had trouble making new friends.... (this was a long time ago though). I've said this b/f; I feel as if she's living her life through her children. It's enough to deal w/ everything else, and I can't get away, so how do I deal w/ this??? there are good things, it's just that when this happens it breaks every level of trust or chance of me ever opening up, or being honest, or feeling like I as a person am good enough....

  5. #5

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    Well, you said that your mother is living her life through her children. If this is true than you have to remember that when she criticizes you, she's in a way really criticizing herself. Maybe it's easier for her to be openly critical of you instead of herself. If it's taken her a really long time to make friends then she's probably jealous of you and your sister for having friends.
    I believe you that she's not "bad". Maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with her own problems or bad feelings that she has.
    This must be so hard on you while you're trying to deal with your own secret problems. I can just imagine. But, remember that you never have to feel that you're not good enough - I honestly think that your mom is criticizing you instead of herself. She probably doesn't realize how much she's hurting you either. It's easy to take things out on loved ones because they're less likely to run away/leave our lives.
    I realize that this would be a future goal - definitely not immediate - but family therapy might help. I know you're just working on getting yourself there right now.
    Just try your best to not let her comments make you feel low - however, I know that's difficult.

  6. #6

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    Wow, Eunonia, sounds a lot like my Mother...A lot of times, I just tell her that I don't like to talk about people behind their backs and I don't like to listen to other people doing so. They usually can't make an excuse for continuing to do it because its just good manners. BUT that sometimes doesn't work. It's just something you can try from time to time and may save you from the pain from time to time.
    you should always listen to calmincense....

  7. #7

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    thanks calmincense... and welcome to the forums! :o) the thing w/ my mom is, she used to be pretty level-headed... she would be an all around good mom w/ her good and bad days. now, she's becoming more miserable day by day, so a thing like "good manners" doesn't really exist anymore- she says that putting down other people has no meaning to her- no emotion is connected to this, so she doesn't feel bad. She feels she's justified in her ways, even though it's more that she can't cope w/ her own problems. Personally, I'd say she feels hatred and jealousy and anger... but she won't listen to any of that b/c again, in her mind, she's always right (ironically she tells me that I'm the one saying I am always right...).

    do you think your mom usually understands what you're trying to say? does rationalizing work for you? doesn't seem to work here....

  8. #8

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    Thanks for the Welcome, Eunoia. How old is your mother?
    you should always listen to calmincense....

  9. #9

    Why does she think she's justified to say these things?

    in her 50's....

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