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  1. #1
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    Exclamation I Hate Who And How I Am

    This is probably just more of a vent than anything else.

    I am really upset right now,with who and how I am. I HATE when things happen that I don't understand.

    One day last week, my husband and I went to a restaurant. The waitress took our orders and then was laughing at me. I was thinking what the heck is she laughing about. It bothered me,but I let it go.Later that night, I was talking about it with my husband and asked him why she had laughed. He said when I ordered, I sounded like a little kid. He imitated what I said to show me how I looked and sounded. He thought it was 'cute'.

    This really,really bothers me. I seriously don't remember doing that. And it makes me feel panicky to know that I could do that and not even know at all.And it makes me wonder how often I do things like that and don't know.

    My therapist has been telling me all along that I have a dissociative disorder, but I always think he's mistaken. I have told him many times that he's wrong. Now though, I am wondering if maybe I say or do things in sessions and don't know it. I cannot stand the thought that it's possible.

    I feel pretty freaked out and scared right now. How could I do something like that and have no clue that I did? If I really do things like that, then I don't think I ever want to leave my house again or even be around people. Maybe I need to be institutionalized. Maybe that would be the best thing. Cause I sure the hell don't want to be this way. And I especially don't want to continue humiliating myself like that.I almost wish I hadn't asked my husband about it, maybe I would have been better off not knowing at all.

    I don't want to be this way.And it makes me hate who and how I am. If I really am this way,I'm not sure I want to live at all.

    ---------- Post Merged at 11:39 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 09:00 AM ----------

    BTW, I don't really expect any replies. I'm sure people don't really know what to say anyway. I'm sure people don't even really understand either.I don't expect anyone to, cause I don't even really understand it all myself.

  2. #2
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    Re: I Hate Who And How I Am

    Whatever it is, dissociation or something, it ISN'T your fault. I'm sorry you've been through so much and you hate yourself, but none of this is your fault. It's the stuff that happened to you. Not your fault. It sounds like you have a good therapist. Try to trust in him and what he thinks and that he can help you with this.

  3. #3
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    Re: I Hate Who And How I Am

    I don't know anything about dissociation. But the restaurant incident sounds more to me like negative thinking, and I know lots about that because I do it all the time with my depression. The waitress was probably not laughing at you, but because she thought you were making a good joke. Think about it, what waitress would actually laugh AT a customer; she wants a good tip, doesn't she, not an angry customer who might leave or complain to her boss. And why not take your husband at his word, he thought you were cute; why not believe him. I'm just saying, consider the evidence and don't jump to conclusions or mind-read other people.

  4. #4
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    Re: I Hate Who And How I Am

    No,it was more than just negative thinking.My husband agreed that she was laughing AT me. This isn't something I have just twisted in my head. I am not jumping to conclusions or mind reading.

    ---------- Post Merged at 04:19 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:26 PM ----------

    I appreciate the replies. I'm just going to forget about this incident. There's nothing I can do to change it anyway.

  5. #5
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    Re: I Hate Who And How I Am

    Quote Originally Posted by Cat Dancer View Post
    Whatever it is, dissociation or something, it ISN'T your fault. I'm sorry you've been through so much and you hate yourself, but none of this is your fault. It's the stuff that happened to you. Not your fault. It sounds like you have a good therapist. Try to trust in him and what he thinks and that he can help you with this.
    Been thinking about this again, because I discussed it during my last session. My T said it was just another instance of dissociation.

    Maybe instead of just forgetting about this incident, like I said I would, maybe I should just accept that I really do have a disscoiative disorder. I would probably do much better if I would just accept it instead of always trying to deny it. Pretending it's not true isn't going to change anything.But maybe if I accept it I can start getting better.

    You're right CD, it isn't my fault. It's the stuff that happened to me. I need to let go of thinking that somehow I am at fault, because I am weak or not trying or something. I have spent way too much time trying to prove to my T that I don't dissociate when I should spend time trying to overcome it.

  6. #6
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    Re: I Hate Who And How I Am

    Yeah... it's so often that even as the patient or 'health consumer', we've got to challenge views or stigmas that we might be carrying about mental, psychological and emotional health. Ironically sometimes we battle stigma coming from within (although outside is where we often first learn it or receive it.)

    Choosing a sense of unconditional selflove, self-acceptance, and self-compassion is probably half the battle. And it can be a battle.

    Those attitudes can be a challenge to cultivate or stick with. Especially if opposite attitudes are around us or have been in the past. But they can be very big helpers on our path. They help time, energy, and thoughts to be more easily channelled towards stuff that progresses or supports our wellness.

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