I've only been on SSRI medication for a few months now. I had a good dialogue with my doctor and after I went through CBT he suggested Cipralex, so I've been taking 10mg daily since September. He is normally pretty conservative about giving people prescriptions so the fact that he wrote me one indicates to me that we have a trustworthy relationship and he has confidence in my intelligence and honestly, which makes me pretty glad.

I haven't had any huge, life-altering experiences because of side effects, but I did experience a lot of drowsiness. I think that the feelings of being drowsy and fatigued were because I was getting used to the medication because I noticed that through out November and December I wasn't feeling as tired, or as consistently. But sometimes I will be more awake and creative in the middle of the night and feel compelled to stay up til very early morning hours because I don't mentally 'feel like' falling asleep. I still get the feeling of being tired but it only happens sometimes. Sometimes I'm able to fall asleep and wake up at more regular hours.


I have guilt because I started Cipralex in September and the first little while was draining for my levels energy and wakefulness. I was absent from classes as often as I could get away with it last semester because of the physical toll of commuting back and forth such a long way. I got a C+ in one course, and while I'm not normally someone who weeps over bad grades, I feel guilty and even lazy because I could have easily knocked a B or B+ from the course if I fought a little harder. The sense of being drowsy or drained also put me behind schedule for processing paperwork for my student loan because I didn't feel "strong enough" to deal with the bureaucratic system and get out to the banks or post offices. I don't have any real track record of issues with authority but all the paperwork and convoluted government language and the overly-formalized, firm and unfriendly atmosphere made me anxious - overwhelmed and stupid and like I didn't know what was going on.


I'm not sure what the criteria is to determine whether my current meds are "the right ones for me". I also don't think now is a good time to experiment and test-drive other meds because I'm in the middle of school and at my job we're in the middle of enacting an improvement plan for me. I have not disclosed my anxiety disorder to any supervisors for a few reasons. (I work in a large department and it would be too awkward to disclose my condition to every direct supervisor I happen to work with on a given day, I don't know what my accommodation needs would be, and I fear being stigmatized and taken less seriously by colleagues, or treated like a hazard or like I am less capable than I actually am). I'm not sure what to make of times when I'm tired or restless.