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  1. #1

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    Hi well I have been away for a while haven’t been up to being on here to be honest.

    Anyway here is why: it is long so I will understand if you don’t read it!

    I went through a real weird patch where I was trying to get rid of everyone and only help people but not get anything in return, I didn’t want help, I dunno it was weird and I was pushing everybody away.

    I have had a lot go on both good and bad and I decided to put it all in the one post and if it get’s too much don’t worry just stop reading, it is all good.

    I feel yukky right now, I am going through a HUGE self hate patch actually, I really hate myself right now. But that is besides the point here is my story (well my story over the last few months):

    Anyway I have put the following under headings, so you can choose what you want to read, lol!

    Triggered
    First thing (well I think it was first), I had an awful flash back of when I was the R word when I was 11 and it happened by this student teacher who was visiting from America and then the very next day I had to go to class at uni and the lecturers were talking ALL about student teachers and about things like teaching and how our child hood impact on how we teach etc… well this really up set me. I stayed for the whole lecture and then I left straight away and went to the toilet (to avoid people seeing me cry) then I came out and heard one of my ‘friends’ talking about me and saying that I have recently been a little sensitive and I didn’t appreciate it (long story) so I told her I was sorry and had to go home as I was meant to meet her for dinner, anyway I really thought that what they said in the lecture was well it is hard to say but it needed clarification so at my next class I spoke to one of my teachers and she agreed and it was changed :) but after I had been made to feel bad, lol!

    My health
    Then I got quite sick, I am having less sleep than normal (and I usually don’t have a lot), plus I stopped eating and am only just getting back into that now. Then I have taken myself off most of my meds – gone down from 13 to 4! Also I feel down an escalator and am already having physio for a bad neck and back.

    Mobile Phone messages with old flat mate
    She has been quite nasty in messages back to me when I have been simply asking for the keys back and stuff like that, I can’t ring her because my number comes up and she won’t answer it, she told my brother to get ****** the other day, sigh!

    My sister
    Has as usual been going through a lot and she collapsed after one of her exams! The exams she was doing were end of School ones so she has now graduated high school :)

    Self Harm
    I posted about reverting back to self harm well I did and now have constant urges it is the only relief that is working at present so I am really struggling with this.

    Flat mate problems
    My brother now lives with me and one night he was playing Country Music and I simply said to my flat mate that I hate it when he plays this as it reminds me of my old flat mate (she sings country music and I am still hurt from a lot of stuff she did – she still isn’t talking to me – she left on bad terms!), well she turned around and said ‘I don’t want to hear about it’ and went off at me, well I reacted by sticking up for myself (this doesn’t happen often) and she went off. Well I had to leave that night as I was so angry so I went for a walk and was still out at 1:30am and I got picked up by the Police, well she just expects everything to be ok now and there is no talking, I am meant to just get over it!
    Then I went away and came back and some of my stuff was missing and all of my files were deleted from MY computer and an assignment question that I needed was missing, no one would have done it other than my flat mate!
    Then all this caused arguments with my flat mates mum of course!

    Uni Friend
    A friend of mine was the R word on uni campus about 3 weeks ago and she told me but didn’t want anyone else to know, so I have been trying to help her, but then I had to go away, well I then came back and I spoke to the social worker who is on campus and she was great but gave me some advice to call this person on campus to see if my friend could perhaps sit her exams away from campus as she is too scared to come back right now, and I got such a negative response and was told that the uni couldn’t do a lot, I was so upset but the women took my name so I politely kept pushing for information and telling her how unfair this was etc… then I had to give up. Well when this happened to me my mum (shock horror) actually rang the uni and so I got into contact with this person from the Vice Chancellors Office, well when I got a negative response from the other person I rang her in tears (as I was crying after the other women) anyway then she said oh no and did EVERYTHING possible to help my friend. The uni will have counselors ring her so she doesn’t have to come to campus to see them, also they will arrange for her to do her exams in several months so that she has a chance to recover a bit and there is heaps of other things that they are going to do for her. Anyway I was upset as I thought they were going to do nothing and it ended up they are going out of there way to help, but I tell you what the whole experience has had me triggered for one, also I am angry etc… for my friend and am guilty as I didn’t report mine and maybe if I did things would be different now.

    Advocacy work
    The uni is now going to set up this group of people, all females, and they are going to be there to help female students if they are attacked on campus and they can do it anonymously or through phone, email or face to face and it is going to be so great! Anyway and I am helping make students aware of the risk of being attacked on campus.

    I have also gone into advocacy work for child abuse as well!

    My trip
    Well I went away and went to a 21st and it was great! But also on the trip I had to stay with mum which was so hard… but the worst part was that I went to both of my parents house while I was away and it made me so sad they are living in pig sty’s there homes smell and are filthy, at my dads his fridge is all rotten and so are his cupboards, so I am hoping to go back and clean for them soon, sigh, it was an awful trip all round :( And then one of my mum’s neighbors is verbally abusing her children and this really hurt and I am writing a letter about it now, because they don’t need taking off her but she needs support.

    Secret
    I have this horrible secret to keep and can’t tell ANYONE as it will harm someone if I do and its so hard to live with, it actually affects me as well!

    Death of friend’s baby
    At 2 weeks old! Friend very messed up as you can understand but she had too much brain damage.

    Then there are other friends who are not doing well after my friend’s death and I am still TRYING to stay strong for them.

    Counseling
    I went to the counselor and took her a piece of paper talking about some abuse from when I was a child, yes I actually FOR ONCE gave her details!!!

    Other stuff
    Then this isn’t to mention normal uni stuff and the other stuff I am already dealing with.

    *Sigh* now can you see why I have been so quiet of late, no one will believe all this stuff at time.

    Good stuff
    But there was good though i.e. the Girls’ Brigade thing and a few other bits and pieces.

    I just really hate myself and am too tired to do this anymore. I have a lot to deal with and 2 to 4 hours sleep a night (when I get that, lol) just isn’t cutting it!

    Sorry to bore you to tears, I doubt anyone would get this far anyway, I wrote a book! I just didn’t want to do individual posts I wanted to get it all out.

    Anyway I must go, I still have my sister and mum here and this is requiring a lot of my energy right now!

    Thinking of you all and wishing you all well.

    Heather…

    P.S. I just want to omit myself to a Mental Hospital and be over with it!

  2. #2

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    I read it to the end, Heather. It wasn't boring at all. You've had a lot to deal with, especially lately, and in spite of it all you've been trying to take some steps toward healing and regaining a sense of control over your life as well as trying to help other people. I'd say that's pretty remarkable.

  3. #3

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    Thanks David,

    You deserve a medal for reading that to the end!

    Thanks for saying that is pretty remarkable, I don't see that but appreciate what you have said, I also appreciate that you read it to the end.

    Heather...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Location
    Australia
    Age
    33
    Posts
    789

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    Wow Heather, that's heaps to be coping with all at once! I made it to the end as well, I didn't think it was boring at all. It sounds like you're doing an amazing job to me. I imagine it would be extremely tiring, though. I hope it feels a bit better to have got it out, and that things pick up soon.

    All the best
    Meg
    "As far as we can discern, the sole purpose of human existence is to kindle a light of meaning in the darkness of mere being." - Carl Jung

  5. #5

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    happy you were able to get things off your chest hun. that must have taken a lot of courage to write and no, it wasn't boring! no wonder you feel the way you do w/ all of that going on. what strikes me though is that you still have this incredible drive to help people, to make things better, and you're doing something about it- you're using your own experiences and your past to help others, not just your friends but I mean by trying to help victims of abuse of all kinds.. I know it's hard for you and we're always here for you, k??? but just be sure to take one step at a time, don't take on too much and know where your boundaries are- if something doesn't feel right- stop, if something feels like it's too much- stop, if you just need a break- stop. I think it's really important that you also lean on all the people that you do have in your life that are able to support you and that know about some of the things so you can be open w/ them, it sounds like you have a lot of caring profs and other people that are able to be there for you (if you let them), including your therapist. I think what you're doing w/ trying to help people who have been abused and raise issues about abuse is what I feel I'm doing w/ ed's.... how I'm invovled in a lot of things related to them and always trying to do more, help more.... part of it is from own experiences, sure, but I think we're in a position where if you can take some part of that stuff and turn 10% of it into something good then it makes such a HUGE difference to all of this.......

    Secret
    I have this horrible secret to keep and can’t tell ANYONE as it will harm someone if I do and its so hard to live with, it actually affects me as well!
    you can't even tell your therapist??? what about another therapist (ie. drop in counselling) who you won't have to see again??? whatever it is, it won't harm them Heather, just make sure the person is in a situation where they're safe and able to process what it is and have some kind of training preferably in order to help you w/ it.... there is nothing ever so bad that you can't talk about it.... we've talked about suicide right? abuse? ed's??? those are nightmares themselves..... if it affects you then you have to do something so that it isn't getting too much for you hun.

  6. #6

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    Goodness, girl! You certainly do have a load to carry! The amazing thing is, you're carrying it and still have the strength and the courage to move foward with your own healing. I hope you take the first chance you get to pat yourself on the back. You're quite a person, hon! :-)

  7. #7

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    Thanks Meg, Eunoia and ThatLady,

    Meg – yeah it is tiring and I have time to do other stuff (on the odd occasion) however I don’t have the brain power, I often don’t even have the brain power to read emails and respond, lol! Thanks for saying I am doing an amazing job, I don’t feel as though I am but really appreciate what you said, congrats for getting to the end.

    Eunoia – yeah it took a lot out of me to write it but it is about time, I have been wanting to for soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long!!! Finally did it :) thanks for what you said about me always wanting to help people, that is just my personality I think, it really isn’t me, it is all good! The advocacy work is really quite hard for me at the moment, especially the stuff in relation to the R stuff, it is bringing a lot of stuff back actually! But it is important that I do this, it really is!!! The best thing you said was


    Quote Originally Posted by Eunoia
    but just be sure to take one step at a time, don't take on too much and know where your boundaries are- if something doesn't feel right- stop, if something feels like it's too much- stop, if you just need a break- stop.
    But I am bad at this, I always take on too much!!! But I am sure I will learn at some point!!!

    I appreciate you saying you are all there for me, I really do I may need support to get through this thing with my friend (the R word – I am unable to say it)!!!
    Yeah I have wonderful caring lecturers and I am thinking of doing my masters now!!! I dunno if I am mad, maybe I need a break first, lol!!!
    Good on you for doing stuff re ed’s as well that is great, it makes a difference if people know you have been there as well!

    Re: the secret – no can’t even tell therapist as she knows the person (I know she would say nothing and do nothing but for respect for the person I can’t do this). Drop in counselling or phone counselling may be an idea if it gets too much for me to carry we will see I guess! The thing about the secret is that if it gets out some one I care about very much may be in ‘danger’ – long story – but it is nothing illegal so don’t worry ‘bout that, lol!


    ThatLady – thanks I appreciate what you have said, I won’t insult your intelligence by saying you are wrong, but I find it hard to see myself as anything other than hopeless (self esteem issues I guess)! But I so appreciate that you said it, I really do :)

    Thanks again Heather…

    P.S. Today I went to a work work shop day today and I won an award, I was so shocked and had to ask if it was really me, and they were like yeah of course, lol!!! I was so happy :)

  8. #8

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    yay on the award hun! I guess even when you least expect good things to happen, they do... I think the advocacy work wouldn't be the same if you hadn't "been there", so it's understandable if it's difficult... who likes being reminded of something bad that happened to them? w/ time though and w/ your therapist it will get somewhat easier to talk about related topics w/out feeling like you have to drop everything and run to get away... but again, don't be too hard on yourself. it's perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed, to feel the way you do. but I just want you to make sure that you will reach out for help if you need it, think about it- you're trying to help others so that they won't have to go through what you did or if they did that they know they're not alone, right? along the same lines there's people out there who want to help you too, and help you get stronger and help you face your demons. if you take on too much and find yourself losing ground b/c you're doing so much, or so many things that mean a lot to you, maybe that's a sign that it is just that- too much. I'm not saying stop, but I am saying listen to your body, listen to your feelings... re: the ed advocacy thing, I don't tell people, I just try to get involved in things ed related (just thought I'd clarify)

    ...Heather, you're not wanting to tell your therapist out respect for the 'other' person, but what about respect for yourself? shouldn't that be as important, if not more? That's why I suggested talking to someone not related to what this is, this issue, the person.... but it is a bad secret right? or just a 'secret'?? do you mean the other person will be in physical danger? emotionally? or just ie. their position???

  9. #9

    Me over the last few months! MAY TRIGGER though!

    Thanks again hun,

    I really appreciate your reply and advise and the time you take to give it, but I always worry that you don’t give yourself enough time hun, but I am guilty of this as well!

    Yeah the award was such a shock, but it also felt so good :)

    I know what you mean about the help thing, and I give people the same advise, sigh, but I can’t take it! Maybe one day!

    That is ok if you don’t tell people re: the ed, you are still doing an amazing job just helping etc… and deserve a huge well done.

    Re: the secret I wish I could say more, you would understand better if I could and I am sure I could and all would be fine but while I can not be 100% sure of that my lips are sealed :( And what is self respect? I don’t think I know that one! LOL!!! It is kind of a bad secret, but no one will be physically or emotionally hurt though it is so hard to explain but if that were the case I wouldn’t do this, I mean if someone were to be hurt then I wouldn’t be allowing that, that isn’t coming out how I want it to but I am sure you get what I mean! It is more there position will be effected, sigh, you have no idea how much I want to tell you :(

    Thanks again Heather…

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