...I have been recieving ECT's for about two years now, and I have actually been almost depression free for that time. I still have ups and down once in a while, but NOTHING like what it was like before I began the treatments. No, it is not fun, but the alternative is usually several hospital stays in the year, or worse, suicide. I have lost large portions of my memory, but I don't mind trading that for the chance to be depression free. Overall, shock treatment has been a good treatment alternative.

However, my psychiatrist who performs the treatments is a colossal B*tch! She doesn't listen, she interupts me every time I try to speak with a loud, naselly "Hanh?" She gets irratated with me easily and lets it show, and she is jealous and suspiscious of my other psychiatrist who has been my doctor and therapist for going on ten years, even though it was him who encouraged me to seek treatment with her in the first place! She threatened to stop being my doctor about three months ago if I didn't let her handle all of my med changes and decisions, and my other doc (DR. L.") graciously stepped aside so she could indeed handle all of my med decisions. He actually cares about my well-being, and I can tell that she doesn't give a d*mn as long as I keep paying her fee.

Why don't I fire her? I would love to! I fantasize about it! "Guess what Dr. R! You are the most idotic, insensitive, greedy, egocentric little germ I have ever met! I have decided to FIRE you!" Alas, Dr. L. keeps telling me that inspite of her being the biggest jerk in the universe, she is also the only game in town. He doesn't want me to stop with the ECT's because I have had so much success with them. I am having them once every four weeks (she recently changed it from every three weeks) and all the way up until two weeks ago, the ECT's combined with med therapy seemed to be working groovy.

But now it doesn't seem to be working as well as it should. I have been struggling to get out of bed in the morning. I have to fight myself (and sometimes loose) to keep from going back to bed once I do get up. I don't want to talk to my family. I feel as if they are putting a ton of pressure on me all of the time. I just want to be left alone, all of the time. I hate having to answer any questions at all. I resent any demands on my time. I just want to sleep all of the time. ALL OF THE TIME! However I don't want to call Dr. R. Especially since she doesn't always return my calls. Sometimes she just ignores my calls or has her secretary (who should have starred in "Night Of The Living Dead, she is so personable...) call me and try to scheduale one of Dr. R's whirlwind appointments of five minutes or less, which I have to wait up to forty-five minutes in the waiting room to have!

I am glad that Dr. L is a psychiatrist, or else I would have a VERY low oppinion of the field. I just wish I could afford to pay him what he deserves rather than the pittance he accepts from me. (Many years ago, he told me that if he didn't need the money, he would have paid me to treat me because of my DID, but that 's a different story...)

Anyway, now that the ECT's seem to not be holding as they did before, I am now seriously comptemplating actually getting rid of Dr. R. I am so tired of having to suck in and ignore all of the crap she gives me.

Sorry this was so long. Thanks for listening...

Allegro