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Thread: I need help

  1. #1

    I need help

    Two months ago my wife left me. I found out a week later she was having an affair for over a year. She was sexually abused as a child for 14 yrs. We are both in counseling now. Individual counseling for now. She says the affair is over and she wants to work on us. She tells me that she loves me and that all the feelings are coming back. Everything seems great. My kids are happy. The problem is that she has her own place now and says she does not want to come back until she works out her internal problems per her couselors advice. My problem is that I feel like im losing my mind. I break down and cry for no reason. I feel lost and empty, alone and depressed constantly. I dont know why. I feel we will be back together in a couple of months . But how do I get through this. Its affecting my job and everthing else in my life. My doctor put me on Welbutrin. Is this normal and if so how do I get through this. I just feel so alone. And to top it all off her counselor told her we should not see each other for a while. But it seems ike the more we talk about things the more we become closer. Help me please!!!!!!!!

  2. #2

    I need help

    I forgot to mention that we have been married for over 14 yrs. Our 15th anniversary is Jan 5. Also she left me 2 months ago

  3. #3

    I need help

    You've had a loss, hon. Of course you're upset. Who wouldn't be? The feelings you're experiencing are, indeed, normal under the circumstances.

    Give the Wellbutrin a chance to take hold. Try to find things to keep your mind occupied, as much as possible. Let her work through her issues as you work through yours. Talk out your feelings with your therapist in an honest and forthright manner, and ask for advice as to coping skills and other mechanisms to help you work through this difficult time.

  4. #4

    I need help

    Of course it is affecting your work and all other aspects of your life at the moment.

    You are grieving and at the same time you are hoping that the two of you will get back together and it will be the way it was before any of this happened. It won't be.

    That's not really a bad thing. The status quo is what got you to this point. You cannot go back and really you don't want to. What you want to do is go forward, fix what needs fixing, remember what doesn't need fixing, and learn how to get to know each other once again and to let the relationship breathe and grow.

    You are seeing a therapist. Assuming s/he is experienced and comeptent, you need to let the rest take it's course. I know right now you are probably feeling a lot of different emotions, including fear and hurt and anger. You need to feel and express and work through those things, and then you need to work on looking at rebuilding the relationship.

    There are a few good books on dealing with such issues that you might find helpful.


    Spring, Janis A., & Spring, Michael. After The Affair: Healing The Pain and Rebuilding Trust When A Partner Has Been Unfaithful. HarperCollins, 1997

    Lerner, Harriet. The Dance of Connection: How to Talk to Someone When You're Mad, Hurt, Scared, Frustrated, Insulted, Betrayed, or Desperate. HarperCollins, 2001

    Gottman, John. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert. Three Rivers Press, 2000

    See also:

  5. #5

    I need help

    But how will I know if she is just manipulating me or if she is sincere. I want this to work and I know it wont be the same. But I just want to know what direction to go. And not knowing what direction she wants to go is what is bad. She said she has stopped seeing him but how do I know for sure? This is just bad for our entire family. She tells the kids she wants us to work out but is she filling them with false hope. I just dont know how to talk to her or anything else. I try to act normal and she will say you act like nothing is wrong. Which is how I need to act.

  6. #6

    I need help

    At a certain point, you have to make a leap of faith - you decide to trust or not to trust. This is for you as much as it is for her.

    If she betrays that trust again, so be it. You will know what to do then. But you cannot live expecting it to happen because that will destroy the relationship as quickly as another betrayal.

  7. #7

    I need help

    Its just hard with her living away from home and less than a mile from where her lover (who lives with his parents at age 33) on back roads. I want to trust her . I really do. I just want to know for sure which way she is heading.

  8. #8

    I need help

    Also financially this is destroying me. I am going under fast. I can survive about another month or two and then i will have to file bankruptcy. I cannot support 2 households.

  9. #9

    I need help

    I cannot support 2 households.
    That is another and very realistic issue, of course. I don't know if the counselor is aware of this but s/he should be. If you're wife is going to be living on her own for more than the very short term, surely it is her responsibility to support that arrangement, or move in with family or friends or whatever.

  10. #10

    I need help

    Her counsler is aware of it. SHe can support her seperate house but we based all the bills at my house on 2 incomes. I will not be able to make and her counsler doesnt seem to care. SHe wants us not to have any contact. My counsler who works for her thinks we should have contact. I do not know what to do. She is my best friend and I miss her.

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