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Thread: Mixed Messages?

  1. #11
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    Hi jellybean.

    Well, if it wasn't diagnosed by a professional in the first place, maybe you could at least confirm it with the psychiatrist?
    I don't believe in self diagnosing, although quite often I've had a sense of something that was going on before dr or psychiatrist did and been right. I could stop calling it ana or an eating disorder, and just say I go to very unhealthy extremes to lose what I know is an unhealthy amount of weight, but since it's not something I normally talk about, I haven't spent a lot of time thinking what to call it. (99% of what I know about anorexia came from knowing someone who had it and died because of it. The rest came from legit news sources, and not from me looking for them online.)

    I probably will work up the courage to talk to the psych before I bring it up to my dr and then he can tell me what he thinks, but in the meantime, I have this knee jerk reaction to people even hinting they think I'm fat, and the last time my dr triggered me in a big way, I didn't even stop to think, I just dove straight into taking less than 300 calories per day. I was smart enough to take my meds with soy milk so as not to burn out my stomach, and I also made sure to take vitamins and sometimes a bit of pedialyte - not sure that's spelled right - but basically it was full-on voluntary starvation, so I'm not sure what else to call it except extreme, dangerous, and not normal. So if the psych says I'm not anorexic or whatever, that's fine, but I still get triggered and I still need to carry on working hard to not let it happen again. I agree that having his help could make a big difference in stopping that kind of reaction, and if the psych agreed with me that it might be good if the dr got off my case, that would be even better. As for telling anyone else, not in a million years. I've said it here, but that's different, I don't even want to think what kind of grief it would cause me if anyone where I live knew.

    Instead of putting yourself through the stress of uncertainty?
    I think the only actual stress I feel around this problem is when my dr starts nagging at me about my weight, or when I have to make an appointment, wondering if he's going to bring it up. It's not what I'd call stressful fighting the compulsion. It's very hard work, but every time I win, which is more and more often, I get stronger.

    Thanks,

    BB
    The way to do is to be - Lao Tzu

  2. #12
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    Oh gawd, I HATE HATE HATE when someone mentions my weight, too.

    I've had the doctor tell me I'm slightly over the BMI by about 20 lbs. YARGH!

    But I believe the doctor and swallow my pride a bit. He didn't say I looked fat or that I needed to lose weight though, he actually apologized for telling me what the BMI indicated... lol

    People who really make me mad, though, are those people (there aren't many, but there are some) who think it's their job to tell other people that they need to lose weight. They do it with the pretense of being concerned or being "helpful." HAHAHAHAHA!

    People who do that, I've found, are more likely trying to make themselves feel better by making someone else feel low. And they can cover themselves by doing it "out of concern." Puh-SHAW!

    People who are real friends would ask how you're doing, and maybe invite you swimming or out for a walk, or on some kind of adventure... Camping, for example (if one likes it) involves a lot of walking and sometimes canoes and hiking or whatever... Real friends who know you are watching your weight will not bake a huge fattening cake with loads of frosting and offer you another piece. With friends/family like that, who needs enemies???
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  3. #13
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    Hi jellybean

    Real friends who know you are watching your weight will not bake a huge fattening cake with loads of frosting and offer you another piece.
    I mostly tend to attract the kind of people who think weight loss is some kind of competition Once in a while - not very often since I don't exactly have what could be called a social life - someone will invite me to have a coffee with them and then buy something sugary and gooey to go with the coffee without asking me if I want something to eat. Even though I've said over and over that I don't care for sweets, people either pretend they don't hear me or just plain don't believe me. It's very frustrating that they choose not to listen or take me at my word - I guess the idea that someone just isn't tempted by food is hard for some to understand - but it's also almost funny that these kind of people usually never notice that I don't actually eat those "treats" they put down in front of me because I'm very good at distraction. If they do notice, I say something like I've just eaten, so I'm saving it for later. The birds around here, especially the ravens - and my neighbour's goat - just LUV me If someone asks if I want something, I say no thanks and yes I'm sure I don't want anything, but if they do it without asking me, I don't make an issue of it and I don't feel guilty not eating it.

    I'd love to be able to go swimming - floating in a warm pool would feel sooo good - or for a walk or whatever, but I get all the exercise this gimped old body can stand just getting from day to day, though I'd make an exception for that warm pool as long as I didn't have to wear a swim suit

    Cheers,

    BB
    The way to do is to be - Lao Tzu

  4. #14
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    I'd soak in a nice hot tub with a tee shirt and shorts... lol I don't like sports or anything, but I'd swim a few laps or something. I love walking, hate running. Got a gibbled ankle. Can't even wear heels anymore. I'm a tee-shirt and jeans/running shoe kinda gal. Nothing fancy, just more practical, I spose...
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  5. #15
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    Hi, I am so sorry you have lived with an ed. I know first hand how painful they are. My mother and father were the authors of my ed. My dad sounds like your doctor. When I was a normal size he wanted me to be "painfuily thin". He was not a bad or mean person. He was unconscious re what he was doing. Because it was how he was raised. His parents were in the fashion industry. And he dealt with models because he too was in the fashion industry. Same with my mother. Although she was mean and agressive about it. My brother and I both developed eds. She now sees maybe it was not the best thing to starve. But that is only because she sees the bald patches on my head. And she knows why they are there.

    Sounds like you might live in the UK. If so, I am wondering if the samaritains could help lead you to any assistance available where you live. I am not at all trying to dissuade you from talking with the professionals you already see. Just wanted to suggest that in addition.

    I know how wacky eds can be. The warped thinking. I think I can safely say this because I am the owner of a very warped mind when it comes to body. Sad. And as I said, my brother had it also. Not as bad as I. I hope with all my heart that you can get some relief from the pain. And of course that you can find a way to not restrict etc. Sending many hugs if you would like them

  6. #16
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    Hi Sunflower. I like that name, sunflowers being one of my favourites. Thank you for your kind words. Reading about your parents, I could almost imagine what that would be like, that kind of constant pressure and seeing that so-called "ideal" all the time

    She now sees maybe it was not the best thing to starve. But that is only because she sees the bald patches on my head. And she knows why they are there.
    Does she have any kind of remourse? I hope so!

    I think my ED lives on my own doorstep as in it mostly came from me, partly wanting to be invisible, partly from seeing how "the fat kid" in school got treated, and it didn't help that my Mum, who cooked like she was feeding a small army, was always pencil thin except for the thickening around the middle all the women in that line have gotten by their 30s at the latest for as many generations as I have photos or tintypes for. Even with that tum though, she never looked heavy. She was taller than me, and could look elegant without even trying, and she loved that she could do that and people would admire her so much for it. I saw pictures of her when she was younger, and she could have stepped onto any fashion runway today. Worst of all, she could eat anything and never gain an ounce. I'm shorter by 5 inches than she was, and she said I was "stocky" - in that little tone of voice that said "stocky is not good, stocky is not attractive, you will never be elegant, you will never be able to look good in nice clothes" - but was expected to clean my heaped plate. I think now that it was her way of making sure I was always inferior, especially since, when I look back at old photos, I was actually quite pretty. I wish I'd known that at the time, it might have helped. Anyway - here I go with the rambling - as far back as I can remember, I had what used to be called a "nervous tummy", and when I was 13 I found out I could very easily get rid of those huge suppers. It made me feel like I had a secret power over what felt like her mission to make me fat. I guess that sounds a bit crazy The more success I had in staying thin, the safer I felt, and the more addictive it got. I haven't purged in a long time, basically since I started having to take meds, and I really hope I can carry on staying away from the extreme dieting. One day at a time, but def time to put my dr and psych on notice and hope they can help without going overboard (or worse, not believing since I don't look like I've ever been 100 lbs in my adult life).

    I'm not from the UK, but my Mum and Gran were, and I still have relatives over there. Between my Gran and a couple of cousins, I picked up some expressions and slang, and I often have people looking at me waiting for translation . It likely doesn't help that my favourite TV shows - I don't watch a lot but am addicted to the ones I do - are produced by ITV and BBC. I don't think I've heard of the samaritans, so I likely we don't have them here. Are they like Rotary or Lions' Club?

    My dad sounds like your doctor. When I was a normal size he wanted me to be "painfuily thin".
    That's so sad and scary to me. I think girls growing up really need their Dad's approval, and if mine had been like yours, I'd be an even bigger mess than I am now. (Is it ok if I send you a big hug?) I know I wanted my dad to think well of me, and maybe he did, because he didn't have expectations of me as long as I pulled my weight - no pun intended - on our little farm, and bless him, he never once hinted that he wished I'd been a boy, which I've seen happening with other farm girls. I used to wish he'd stuck up for me a bit, or maybe showed me in some way that I was ok just the way I was instead of just never saying anything negative about me. Looking back, I think I must have been ok in his mind, because he never had a word of complaint about my being able to work as hard as any boy. He never said a word about my shape and size, maybe because it didn't matter, or maybe because he didn't notice. He was quite easy-going in most ways, and I think, looking back, that he kind of lived in his own world since I could see even as a kid that Mum and Gran could have made his life total h*** if he didn't have a way of shutting some things out.

    Well, there I go again, rattling on and on. I plead lack of sleep for this one. It was a short night and I'm looking at a long day. (That's my story, and I'm sticking to it )



    ---------- Post Merged at 07:35 AM ---------- Previous Post was at 07:25 AM ----------

    Having just heard that Maya Angelou has died, I'm going to go ahead and post this here because this poem has always inspired me and helped me see myself a bit more kindly in a way I can't explain. I can't relate to being a black woman in America, especially back in her younger times, but so much of what she wrote and said really spoke to me. I hope that's OK to post this here.

    You may write me down in history
    With your bitter, twisted lies,
    You may tread me in the very dirt
    But still, like dust, I'll rise.

    Does my sassiness upset you?
    Why are you beset with gloom?
    'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
    Pumping in my living room.

    Just like moons and like suns,
    With the certainty of tides,
    Just like hopes springing high,
    Still I'll rise.

    Did you want to see me broken?
    Bowed head and lowered eyes?
    Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
    Weakened by my soulful cries.

    Does my haughtiness offend you?
    Don't you take it awful hard
    'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
    Diggin' in my own back yard.

    You may shoot me with your words,
    You may cut me with your eyes,
    You may kill me with your hatefulness,
    But still, like air, I'll rise.

    Does my sexiness upset you?
    Does it come as a surprise
    That I dance like I've got diamonds
    At the meeting of my thighs?

    Out of the huts of history's shame
    I rise
    Up from a past that's rooted in pain
    I rise
    I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
    Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
    Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
    I rise
    Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
    I rise
    Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
    I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
    I rise
    I rise
    I rise.



    Feeling so awfully sad,

    BB
    The way to do is to be - Lao Tzu

  7. #17
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    Re: Mixed Messages?

    *huggles* to all of you with ED... ♥ I know it isn't much, but it's what I have to give.

    I can't say that I had an actual ED, it was more of a behavioral, self-esteem thing. During the first couple years of high school (a difficult transition for a 12-yr old) I had some turbulent friendships, where they turned out not to be so much friends... And I also had other issues from the past plaguing me, to the point where I was punishing myself but not eating all day. And trying to stop the racing thoughts at night by reading and reading until I couldn't keep the book up without nodding off. I would be awake until 3am, then have to go to school the next day, and feel sick to my stomach (not to mention frequent migraines), and not want to eat breakfast, and not want to make lunch (because in my teen brain, feeling as crappy as I did in the morning, I would NOT want to think about food or prepare food either). So I was always pale with dark circles under my eyes.

    Finally an old school friend that my mom really liked asked me why I didn't come to that high school (instead of the all-girls school I did), and my mom was like, "What a great idea." Phft. She didn't let me when I asked her in grade 9 to be transferred somewhere else. She said I would have to stay, or "Wait a while" to see if I would "get used to it" and so on. Which really meant, "Tough. You stay."

    Blah blah blah. So it wasn't an ED....

    But I don't know if that was an ED, and I haven't had those issues since.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

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