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  1. #21
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    Trustee is what i had stated Darkside as well it is the only way to protect your sons interest it works i can tell you that much a trustee has only your SONS interest ok
    Words always stay inside ones soul

  2. #22
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    The way it stands now there is nothing to be trustee over. If any of his money is left (which I doubt) it is in her possession. She is not going to give it up willingly and my son isn't going to support any action against her.

    I'm not going to be grandiose or overly dramatic about it. I want him to stay here for a month and see how things go. In a few weeks, if all goes well, I will bring up the subject of living here permanently. Then I can address the money.

    What I suspect is that in a few weeks he is going to want to go back to his mom's house. But even then maybe I can have a positive influence on him. That's my goal anyway.

  3. #23
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    until her house of cards comes crashing down on her head there's not much you can do. Have a great month with your son - that's worth more than money anyway!
    Change begins when you practice ordinary courage

  4. #24
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    Quote Originally Posted by rdw View Post
    until her house of cards comes crashing down on her head there's not much you can do. Have a great month with your son - that's worth more than money anyway!
    She keeps finding ways to keep that from happening. She's been in and out of financial trouble since she was 18 years old. She's 52 now.

    I really don't care what happens to her ... only what happens to my children - particularly the two youngest ones who are still dependent on her. My 17 year old daughter has become a tyrant. She will have deep emotional scars to heal later in life - if she is wise enough to see it.

  5. #25
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    Here's what has happened today. I want to know what you guys think about it.

    My son has been here for a month and he has been adjusting well. I try to find things to do, but I have not pushed him. He says he is comfortable and happy here. His mother has been talking about coming to pick him up so two nights ago I decided to talk to him about staying here permanently. He immediately liked the idea, but I told him to think about it for a couple of days. Last night he said he wanted to stay here and go to school this year and he was going to call his mother today and talk to her about it. We talked about what her reaction might be and he was very perceptive. He knew she would be emotional. When I came home from work today he had spoken to her and his sister. He said they were both upset and shortly after that I got a text from my daughter.

    This is what her text message said:

    You aren't taking my brother from me. You already took away my hope for having a "daddy", you cannot have him too.
    I have not heard anything from my ex-wife but she has obviously enlisted the support of my daughter to fight by proxy. I did not respond to the text and I will not.

    My son told me a little about his conversation with his mother ... and later his sister. The gist of it is that, I am manipulative, sneaky, mean and that he is abandoning them and I have been trying to get one of them away from my ex-wife because I lost custody in the divorce. (I didn't contest custody - I believed it was best that they stay in the home they knew with their mother.) He said they told him I am a bad person and that he will suffer if he stays here ... not to mention that they will suffer if he does not come home. They also told him things like I live in a bad neighborhood and he will be in danger if he lives here and goes to school.

    His reaction to all of this was really something. Perceptive, mature and rational - for a 20 year old with Aspergers. He was not at all rattled by anything they said. He said he knew their reaction was emotional and not rational, and he told them, "I am old enough to decide where I want to live and I want to live with my dad now." He said he also told them it was not because he was unhappy living with them or because of anything they had done, but because he just wanted to be with his father. Their response was that I was "stealing" him from them. (Their words - as though he is property.)

    I have been concerned about him staying at his mother's house for awhile now. She spends all her time and money on my daughter and does not have enough left over to teach him to drive, buy his prescriptions, take him to the dentist or buy him clothes. I send her $525.00 a month (US) for child support but very little of that is spent on him. When I found out in June that my ex-wife had taken his college savings money. (see the OP) I really thought it was time for him to move here. So I am motivated to get him away from there and with me. Not just because of the money but also so that he can begin to learn how to take care of himself. He doesn't even know how to do a load of clothes or wash dishes.

    I'm happy my son is dealing with this so well. He may decide to go back, and I told him that was fine if that is what he wanted to do, but I think he is determined to stay here.

    On the other hand ... I am not dealing with it so well. About one-half of me is okay with this but the other half is reeling. Whenever I have dealings with people who are willing to go to such emotional extremes including blackmail I begin to question myself. So rattling around in my head are questions like

    maybe I am a monster
    maybe I am manipulative
    maybe I am a bad person
    maybe I am wrong about this

    I guess this is normal when faced with this kind of thing and it really isn't about me so I am trying to plan how I will deal with it when it comes time to discuss it with his mother. My goal is to NOT engage her on an emotional level. To only discuss the merits - pros and cons - of him living here and what it is that he wants to do. If she and my daughter want to accuse me of "stealing" my son or brainwashing him I will have to do my best to not stoop to that level.

    That is going to be hard because of the sheer force of the emotion. They will do everything they can to trigger extreme emotions in me and I have got to resist the temptation to get down on that level.

    Any words of advice or encouragement (or criticism for that matter) are appreciated.

  6. #26
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    I read a statement awhile ago in an article or post that essentially said " what other people say or think about you is none of your business". As long as you are clear within yourself, and your son is happy to stay with you, just enjoy the moment and the pleasure of his company for however long it lasts. He's happy; you're happy and the rest well whatever . I think it sounds like a positive move for you both as long as you can stay out of the fray.
    Change begins when you practice ordinary courage

  7. #27
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    Quote Originally Posted by rdw View Post
    I read a statement awhile ago in an article or post that essentially said " what other people say or think about you is none of your business". As long as you are clear within yourself, and your son is happy to stay with you, just enjoy the moment and the pleasure of his company for however long it lasts. He's happy; you're happy and the rest well whatever . I think it sounds like a positive move for you both as long as you can stay out of the fray.
    It's a little tougher when it's family - especially a child. But I do realize that my daughter has no idea what she is saying or doing.

  8. #28
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    Darkside, it sounds like this is going to be a good thing for both you and your son. Enjoy! Another way to not become so attached to what other family members of your son are doing or saying is to think of it as their way of coping with the adjustment of change. Change is more difficult for some people than others.They will adjust over time.

  9. #29
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    I suppose it wouldn't be conceivable at some point to welcome the daughter to your house when she is considered an adult? Or are she and her mother really deeply entwined? Sounds like she is "the Golden Child" - the one who gets everything (praise, money, things, etc) while everyone else gets nothing (such as your son, from whom mom took away his money earmarked for his education).

    Do you have some kind of family therapist you can go to for advice? (forgive me if I missed that you stated this in another post)


    I have found that sometimes it is a lot tougher for someone to recover from being "the Golden Child" than it is from being "the Scapegoat." At least the neglected one has to learn to do things on his own, figure things out on his own, and gain survival skills, etc. Usually the Scapegoat can see, before everyone else, that what is going on is wrong. Which is why he is the one abused or ridiculed or stolen from. Any attempt at showing the truth of the situation is met with some kind of punishment, whether it's directly on him, or he is ignored and his sister is lavished upon. It sounds like your son might have become the neglected one, at least between he and his sister and his mom.

    Whereas the overly indulged one is more likely to fall to pieces out in the real world, because they have this false idea that everything will work for them all the time, and that they are wonderful so no one will hate them no matter how they behave, etc... The Real World is a real stunner for them. Just imagine when a crisis or just a regular bad day comes up - the GC has no tools to understand how to cope. Back when she lived with mom, mom did her thinking for her, controlled everything. The daughter is so used to living in this controlled lab setting, anything that constitutes independence or change will blow her mind. It's also tougher to come to the realization that this "love" she gets from her mother is twisted: not love, but a form of control. A way of crippling the daughter and making her dependent on mom, and also see any kind of change as a threat (such as her brother moving in with dad).

    I understand that if she pulls away from her mom, it's going to be a tough battle for the both of them, as her mom will see the daughter's attempt at independence and breaking away to be her own person as a threat/abandonment. And then mom will likely make things bad for you and your son. Your daughter, like her mom, will likely be on guard, thinking you will try to "trick" her into leaving her mom. If she is asked to stay with you, she will immediately say something like "I can't do this to mom." But at least, I was thinking, you can say then that you offered for her to come live with her brother and you. If she refuses, then she can't say you are "stealing" him away. I mean you aren't really stealing him anyway, he's an adult, but you get what I mean. The offer is there, and she has a choice, and it will be clear when she makes her choice.

    I really wish you well, and hope you and your son enjoy each other's company. And I hope I am wrong about all of this going on between the daughter and her mom! Perhaps a good family therapist will confirm or advise differently.
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  10. #30
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    Re: Not sure if I should do anything about this ...

    This is related to my codependency, but I don't want my daughter to hate me. My ex-wife knows I don't care what she thinks of me so she is using my daughter to fight her battle. That really makes me angry and it should. But I can't control what she says or thinks ... unfortunately, my ex-wife can.

    ---------- Post Merged at 02:26 PM ---------- Previous Post was at 02:04 PM ----------

    Quote Originally Posted by jollygreenjellybean View Post
    I suppose it wouldn't be conceivable at some point to welcome the daughter to your house when she is considered an adult? Or are she and her mother really deeply entwined? Sounds like she is "the Golden Child" - the one who gets everything (praise, money, things, etc) while everyone else gets nothing (such as your son, from whom mom took away his money earmarked for his education).

    Do you have some kind of family therapist you can go to for advice? (forgive me if I missed that you stated this in another post)


    I have found that sometimes it is a lot tougher for someone to recover from being "the Golden Child" than it is from being "the Scapegoat." At least the neglected one has to learn to do things on his own, figure things out on his own, and gain survival skills, etc. Usually the Scapegoat can see, before everyone else, that what is going on is wrong. Which is why he is the one abused or ridiculed or stolen from. Any attempt at showing the truth of the situation is met with some kind of punishment, whether it's directly on him, or he is ignored and his sister is lavished upon. It sounds like your son might have become the neglected one, at least between he and his sister and his mom.

    Whereas the overly indulged one is more likely to fall to pieces out in the real world, because they have this false idea that everything will work for them all the time, and that they are wonderful so no one will hate them no matter how they behave, etc... The Real World is a real stunner for them. Just imagine when a crisis or just a regular bad day comes up - the GC has no tools to understand how to cope. Back when she lived with mom, mom did her thinking for her, controlled everything. The daughter is so used to living in this controlled lab setting, anything that constitutes independence or change will blow her mind. It's also tougher to come to the realization that this "love" she gets from her mother is twisted: not love, but a form of control. A way of crippling the daughter and making her dependent on mom, and also see any kind of change as a threat (such as her brother moving in with dad).

    I understand that if she pulls away from her mom, it's going to be a tough battle for the both of them, as her mom will see the daughter's attempt at independence and breaking away to be her own person as a threat/abandonment. And then mom will likely make things bad for you and your son. Your daughter, like her mom, will likely be on guard, thinking you will try to "trick" her into leaving her mom. If she is asked to stay with you, she will immediately say something like "I can't do this to mom." But at least, I was thinking, you can say then that you offered for her to come live with her brother and you. If she refuses, then she can't say you are "stealing" him away. I mean you aren't really stealing him anyway, he's an adult, but you get what I mean. The offer is there, and she has a choice, and it will be clear when she makes her choice.

    I really wish you well, and hope you and your son enjoy each other's company. And I hope I am wrong about all of this going on between the daughter and her mom! Perhaps a good family therapist will confirm or advise differently.
    Everything you have said is exactly right. She is the golden child and my middle son is the "neglected one." The oldest is the scapegoat. He was blamed for everything.

    Last fall my daughter had a meltdown over a boy. The boy lives here and so she came for a weekend to stay with me and to see him. At some point he broke up with her and she went to pieces. She did not want to go home because her mother wanted to "fix" everything rather than listen to her grief. I let her cry on my shoulder and stay over another day. In the end, I encouraged my daughter to go home and to finish the semester at school and then we could talk about her moving here. I renewed that offer over Christmas but she decided not to move.

    My ex-wife is manipulating my daughter, but as the GC my daughter is manipulating her mother too. She has said things like, "my daddy would buy this for me ... maybe I should move in with him." I give her limits (yes I will fix her car or her laptop, but not buy her a $500 dress) but my ex-wife is afraid to tell her "no" out of fear she will leave.

    She will have a difficult time when she goes off to college next year, but it might be good for her to get away on her own. Whatever happens I will try to be there for her.

    I have a therapist but it had not occurred to me to see a family therapist. For some reason I had always thought of them as treating a family unit together rather than counseling one family member without the others present.

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