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Thread: I need to know?

  1. #11

    Re: I need to know?

    Why has this anger turned into anxiety and lots of tears that I just don't seem to be able to release? I have been fearful of this intense anger feeling because it seems to have had a grip on me for what seems like ages! I don't like it!! I am very surprised how much energy this thing uses up!! I am so tired!! I haven't spoken to anyone for about 3 days for the simple fact that I don't want to lose my temper with anyone, this is not really anybody's fault!! Maybe if I slept for a few days, by the time I woke up, this emotion would have passed?
    In 3 words I can sum up everything I have learned about goes on!!

  2. #12

    Re: I need to know?

    Because we often use anger to mask anxiety and fear and/or depression. Anxiety or fear or depression often feels "weak"; anger feels "strong". These are illusions of course. Anger is destructive when it's carried around and often leads to self-injury or other self-destructive behaviors. Letting the anxiety or fear or depression come through to the surface is healthier because that allows you to deal with the real issues and the sense of vulnerability you feel so often.

  3. #13

    Re: I need to know?

    Letting myself feel the anxiety and fear makes me more open to being attacked!! (Not necessarily physically!) I guess I'm not going to win this battle!! Maybe all of these nasty emotion things can be switched off for a while? I mean, I hope they can!! Do we have to feel an emotion all the time? Can we be without any of them for a while?
    In 3 words I can sum up everything I have learned about goes on!!

  4. #14

    Re: I need to know?

    You can temporarily suppress or repress or numb but you can't avoid dealing with them sooner or later.

    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

  5. #15

    Re: I need to know?

    I'm afraid that they might hit me too hard and I will be alone with them!! I understand I can't avoid them forever and I know I will have to face them sooner or later!! I'm very worried about that!! What if I can't cope with them? I don't have anyone to help me through it!! Yet again I will be facing the difficulties by myself!! The very fact that I am alone in all of this hurts so badly!! Sometimes, all that I need is a big hug to feel that I am safe and that someone cares, but it's not going to happen!! I appreciate all the support you guys give, but unfortunately none of you can actually give me that hug or that safety!! I feel like I'm in a small wooden boat in the middle of an immense ocean without a paddle or a light!! It's so scary!!
    In 3 words I can sum up everything I have learned about goes on!!

  6. #16

    Re: I need to know?

    It is scary but we are here to help each other. Keep working on finding someone to help you so that you will not have to face it alone. When I am alone it is difficult and it does hurt. You reminded me of my first time in a canoe. My partner and I took the wrong branch of the river and overturned. We lost our paddles but we survived and so did our canoe. Silly story I guess and with no paddles we did have to portage the rest of the way. It was a long, cold walk, but I can smile about it now. You are right though, it was not so scary having a friend with me when it happened.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Sep 2012

    Re: I need to know?

    You are asking good questions here, Lonewolf. Well done.

    I know that a hug is a wonderful, healing, and helpful thing, and it is hard to think of something that can replace it.

    I guess one important thing to remember sometimes... when we start to feel sorry for ourselves, etc... Sometimes something that can make us feel less alone and feel less bad, is remembering that there there are so so many people in the world that do not necessarily have a person to hug at the times that they would like to have one. Even people who are lucky enough to be in relationships - well, relationships do not always last forever.... Many people have a spouse who works away from home for periods of time, sometimes long periods of time .... All sorts of things... Sometimes we trick ourselves and think we are the only one, we must be 'worthless' or something, or only people who have been wronged have nobody to be there for them... and it is just not true.

    And people who do have good families - many family relationships do not mean having someone living in the same home, for hugs and things like that at any time. People have their own lives to live, and have their own concerns to deal with every day. The healthiest people are those who, as much as they can, can look after themselves and soothe themselves, and get at the root of the difficult feelings so as to in time get those difficult feelings to happen less or be less overwhelming.

    There are also people who never learn to grow up and become independent (whether physically or emotionally ) - and they live their lives overly attached to another person or people via unhealthy, overly dependent strings. This is not healthy either and comes at a great cost too, and these patterns can then pass down again to another generation. The cost is great and affects many surrounding people, and is not a thing to wish for. And what happens in the end? Nobody lives forever. Nobody can be there absolutely all the time. Nobody 100% always responds in the best way that we would like them to, even a good friend or a good partner or a good family member.

    These unhealthy relationships are filled with fear because being overly dependent on someone, being overly attached to someone, always has a lot of fear underneath it. Because we never really know what is going to happen or how long someone will be around. Even in positive, secure relationships where we can trust someone and feel we know what they will or will not do, something can happen from outside events and the world is unpredictable.

    So it is so important that we all do think of options of how to soothe and be there for ourselves, because it is never 100% reliable that someone else is there for us at those times. Also, once we are able to do that in good ways as often as possible, we start to feel better and function better......

    ....and of course, the result of feeling better and functioning better is..... our self esteem begins to change. We start to just feel better generally, and see new options in our lives. Little by little we then become more and more attractive to other people; we get better and better at friendships or relationships; or even just acquaintances if we are not at the stage of succeeding at deeper friendships and relationships... or, we start to feel more confident about deepening or growing an acquaintance to a friendship. (Being overly needy and too reliant on someone else for 'something we need' can sometimes be the difficulty some folks have in keeping friendships or relationships. So that's another great benefit that comes with being there for ourself. Of course though, established and trusted friends can and should try to be there for each other sometimes in a way that they can manage and at a healthy level.)

    Each step we take, like asking the right questions and finding ways to cope as you have been doing, moves us in those directions where we can be more likely to have those positive things in our lives - even if not all the time, then some of the time. So you can feel good about yourself that you have been doing these things - and you can keep reminding yourself, that you are not the only one in a situation where you have to find ways to be there for yourself and be kind and good to yourself, to soothe difficult feelings. Knowing that this is just the way life is, this is healthy and normal, helps you become more confident and successful with connections and friendships or relationships. It also helps you become more capable of and interested in other interesting, rewarding, and positive things in life. It helps us to be not too overfocused on people, connections, relationships, support, etc - because these things are just one aspect of life, after all. It's never healthy to put one aspect of life in an overly important place, and doing that is often what makes those things more difficult to manage and succeed in.

    Let me think.... Pets are a wonderful thing that many people find positive and reliable in their lives, and some pets are huggable too. I know you are able to have your cool snails but they are not the most huggable! And as far as I remember, the more huggable things like dogs or cats were not an option for you where you are living. I suddenly had a thought, though - Sometimes there are places where there are animals who are waiting to be adopted, and the staff there are more than happy to let the animals have interaction with people? I wonder if sometimes when some hugging is in order, whether there is a place like that which is not too far away from you? I don't know....?

    Another thing that some people swear by, is having something cuddly to hug even if it is not a living thing.... some people do love to have a pillow or a big stuffed animal that they still find physically comforting to grab onto and hug. Nothing is as good as the real thing, but sometimes they physical feeling can be replicated a bit.... Some people also say that they actually hug themselves tight, and tell themselves, " I care about you. I am here for you." YOU count as a supportive person too! I have read about people who keep doing this and find that their self-esteem and comfort level does improve. You are as important and as valuable as anyone else on this planet, Lonewolf. And you caring for you, and being there for you, counts as a good thing. xox

    And we do care for you and our virtual hugs are always here.... Even though they are not the same as a physical hug, they do mean that we care about you and we value you, and we want good things for you. xox

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