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Thread: It's Christmas

  1. #1

    It's Christmas

    Christmas is here. That means that soon this severe depressive and angerful state will pass. Every year I go through this. I'm trying to figure out why I am so depressed during the holiday season. I think I know, but I don't want to admit that my childhood is still a major contributing factor in my life. You see I'm 39 now and I've been through therapy in the past and I thought I dealt with all of my issues. Well, even though I have come a long way, I still haven't dealt with my issues of low self esteem or the fact that stuff happened to me during the holiday season when I was a child. Let's see, where do I start. Well, this is hard to admit, but the first time I remember being sexually abused was New Years Eve in 1972. At least that my first memory of the long term abuse I suffered. I think it was sooner than that because I used to pull my hair out during my sleep and I had severe nightmares all prior to my first memory of the abuse. I'm angry because all of the signs of sexual abuse were there, but my mother never had a clue. At least she claims never to have had a clue. As a matter of fact, when I came out and told her of my elven years of abuse in 1985 she told me that I was lying. What a wonderful woman! Speaking of the self centered witch who has five children and should never have had one, with her every Christmas was the same. She used to yell and scream every Christmas Day, "Get out of my F---- kitchen, and other profanities at us. But then when my Aunts would get there, she would get drunk and then be so nice and tell us how much she loved us. Then there is the recent past. My little brother has taken over the tradition of Christmas Day. I admire him so much for this. He truly is a wonderful person and has a great family. I would love to spend Christmas Day with him, but I can't. The reason is my sister. She has issues with me. No matter what conversation I am having with someone, she makes rude comments. Now I know that I am an adult and am not the only one who has to deal with family members like this, but this is different in the sense that because I have gotten so good at ignoring her, she resorts to pulling my children off and telling them that I used to be a drug addict and a, well loose woman. I insist this is not true, but even if it were how can you tell children something like this about their mother? Anyway, in order not to put myself or my kids in harm's way, I will not be attending dinner at my brother's house. Instead I will be having a late dinner with my children because they will be in church with their father and my 19 year old will be at my brother's house. I am also having a friend over who's son is in California. So that's that. That will be my Christmas. Alone for most of the day, but hey what can you do?

  2. #2

    It's Christmas

    The holidays are a difficult time for many people, hon. You certainly aren't alone. Although not all people suffer the same terrible memories that you do, they have their own miseries that surface during the holiday season. It's not easy to see all the happy commercials, and the smiling faces when you're feeling low.

    There's little anyone can say to ease your pain. The only thing you can do is be thankful for your children and for the successes you've had in your progress toward the person you want to be.

  3. #3

    It's Christmas

    I am so sorry for your pain. I'm sorry that your sister is so hateful like that. That is sad. Is there any way you could go to your brother's house at a time when your sister isn't there? She sounds like someone you really don't need in your life at all.

  4. #4

    It's Christmas

    I suppose that after the first of the year I could go over there and maybe explain myself, but not right now. I really don't feel that loved by any one in my family. My step father doesn't lke me either because I am in college. He says that I am neglecting my kids by attending school. I just don't want to deal with anyone today. I really hate this time of year. It is a stupid holiday that brings people's sadness to the surface.

  5. #5

    It's Christmas

    zeborah, that sounds like a really rough time.... I think many people can relate in one way or another... holidays really do have a way of bringing up the good and the bad... or just to intensify the bad, like putting a magnifying lens on things while you get to look around and see everyone else's "magical" holiday season... you know though, I was saying exactly that and someone pointed out to me, that maybe it just looks like everyone else has this great christmas etc. and I think there's some truth to that.. how do I know that my next door neighbour doesn't have stuff to deal w/ just b/c I don't know about it? it really does seem like there are these "perfect" families out there but usually every family has some kind of family drama, the "black sheep", or "a" problem.... it's life. I know that doesn't make it any easier... but it's just to point out that a lot of this holiday stuff really is overrated, b/c as you said, it makes those w/ problems feel even worse and puts stress on everyone else... with the hope of having a joyous holiday season. As bad as things are though, I think we do have to remember that in the end, what matters the most? being w/ friends and family. in your situation, you have your kids and by the sounds of it friends and your brother... it may not be the "ideal" or "picture perfect" image but it's what's there... your kids will hopefully be able to differentiate fact from fiction (once they're old enough) and all you can do is try to have a good relationship w/ them.... you can't entirely control what others will say to them but you can control the type of relationship you have w/ your kids... could you maybe do a christmas dinner on christmas eve w/ your brother next year? at your or his house? you shouldn't be left out of that completely or feel like you can't go b/c of your sister... it's sad that she does the things she does... just as a side note too, you're not neglecting your kids just b/c you're attending school... in fact, I think you're teaching them a valuable lesson and showing them that it's okay to pursue their goals and dreams, no matter at what age.



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