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Thread: New to this...

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2005
    Location
    United States
    Age
    44
    Posts
    207

    New to this...

    Damn... I just lost a whole paragraph. I had a really "smart" sounding intro. Words can be deceiving, ha-ha-ha.

    Anyway. I happened upon this site while looking for a Psych chat room, actually. I thought that talking to someone over the internet anonymously would be better than having to look someone in the face, if I reveal something sensitive. I was surprised to find a self-help site run by doctors. But Canadians have a much better grasp on the overall need of community healthcare than Americans do. Too bad I'm American, 'eh? (ha-ha...) Anyway, I joined because the postings I've read were answered with knowledgeable, yet un-condescending advice. I'm so sick of people trying to "fix" things. You can't "fix" mental illness. It has to be dealt with on a permanent basis, usually.

    I'm a really screwed up 33 year old female. I've got three great, gorgeous boys. Oh, and a husband of 12 years. Yup, you guessed it. Not necessarily the Cleavers, here. We've been a couple since we were 15. I come from the typical dysfunctional American Military family. My sister, 38 now, (from my mom's 1st screwed up marraige, along with my disabled brother) was sexually abused by my father until she moved out at 18. After, of course, I opened up a can of worms and told all. No, he didn't abuse me in that sense, that I can remember. That was shortly after I ended my own abusive relationship with a family friend who liked to screw little girls. Not a bit angry about it am I? (My parents didn't know about that until I told them when I was 22 or so.) But, I feel much better because after 20 years, I put the jerk in jail, albeit for only 8 months. I had a prosecutor and detective who both believed me. They totally raided his home with search warrants in hand and found some pretty good evidence, even 20 years after the fact. Yeah, he's a little dense, I'd say. On top of that, he confessed, and tried to blame it on me and my screwed up family. Pretty good defense, huh? Well, it didn't work.

    Since his prosecution, I've gone back to school for Nursing. I was in my second attempt at the time of his prosecution. You're only allowed two. So, naturally, it failed-- I had just had our third son. I had already dropped out on the first attempt to stay at home with our second son. So, I had to complete 960 hours as a State Certified Nursing Assistant, which was fun. And, I mean that. I love patient care. And, now I'm back in. My third attempt. Persistent, aren't I? I've re-taken Fundamentals and am going to start Medical Surgical & Pediatric Nursing in a few weeks. I think that maybe this is what has brought all this on. For the last week, I've been really despondent. Sleeping alot. Grumpy. Worrying about things I can't control. Hating my marraige (although, I hated it before this week.), and just in general, one really unpleasant person. I've even called out from work since Thursday. Three days lost. However, I really was sick. I even went to the Dr. last night. But I do know that had I not been so upset lately, I wouldn't be sick in the first place. (I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome and Bulemia, although I haven't actually "purged" in months. No, I don't have the urge to, either. I hope I've kicked it for good.) I am just flat out depressed, I think. It's not so bad today. The kids have finally gone back to school after Christmas break. And my husband has FINAL-FRIGGIN'-LY gone back to work in the office-- he can connect from home and work. (It's a curse..it's a blessing...it's a curse...it's a blessing...) Anyway. I finally have some free time to leisurely spill my guts to strangers on the internet. I don't have friends. I have one best friend in the whole world. Surprisingly enough, she is a successful PhD in Criminal Justice. She teaches in a major state university up north. I try not to burden her. She has her own issues. However, she knows the gist of things. I just play everything down with her. I don't want her to worry. She can't really be there for me while teaching and living her own life. But I love her to death all the same. We're buds. I don't have a good realtionship with my husband. I can't confide in him. In fact, I believe when (I hope...I hope...I hope...) I graduate from Nursing school (May 2007, May2007, May 2007, May 2007...) that we will divorce. I think it's over, we just are trying to get through school and the terrible two's! (Our boys are great-- 11, 7 and 2.) I'll never regret marrying, because of them. I love them so much I get overwhelmed just thinking about them. My children's future is everything to me. Even though our marraige may not work, I know our kids will have dedicated parents, regardless. I truly believe that children are the nation's future. I give my kids all the love and support and help that my parents neglected to give to me.

    Well, I could go on and on. I think I'm cured. I just wanted to vent. I think I need a shower. Then I will clean the house that no one seems to want to clean-- ours. Then, I'll try to resume life and not spaz at the prospect of actually becoming a Nurse one day. I still would like replies, if anyone has some "light" advice. I'm a non-commital person when it comes to "taking care of self". I literally do not have the time to commit to any one thing for myself. I'm still not very sure how I'm going to actually complete Nursing school, although I will come hell or high water. This is my last chance. This is the one thing I want out of my life for myself. I have done nothing in my life for ME-- well, except prosecuting a pedophile, which was pretty big. But, for permanence. This Nursing degree will carry me through retirement. It's my one goal for ME. My nerves are shot, now... I'll check later for replies. Thanks--POOHBEAR

  2. #2

    New to this...

    I'm not sure your description of yourself as "a really screwed up 33 year old female" is very fair to you, poohbear. Reading this post, it seems to me that you've come through a couple of lifetimes' worth of traumatic or difficult experiences and you're still moving forward in spite of that. You sound more to me like "a really determined and resourceful 33 year old female".

  3. #3

    New to this...

    Welcome to the board, Poohbear :0)

    How fortuante that you have 3 little men in your life, and how wonderful that you're back in school studying something that means so much to you. I too have finally went to University to study Psychology. It always was one of those things that I thought was out of my reach. But...not anymore! It's humbling, it's challenging, it's nerve wracking, and I love every minute of it.

    Lana.

  4. #4

    New to this...

    Sheesh! I agree with David! You're something special, hon! You've really come through a lot and you're still moving forward. You need to give yourself a pat on the back!

    Nursing school is grueling, to say the least. I remember quite well. However, the outcome is also very rewarding. It's well worth the time and effort expended, but it is definintely stressful. It's not surprising to me that, with all you have on your plate, you're experiencing some difficult times. The fact that you're keeping your bulemia at bay, taking care of your home and children, and making the best you can (for the moment) of a bad situation with regard to your marriage say a lot for the strength of character you display. Kudos to you!

  5. #5

    New to this...

    Hi again Poohbear - and welcome!

  6. #6

    ...

    hi ,
    welcone and i hope that this site permits you to feel good asbout yourself and not consider yourself as someone that is no good because you are not you are going threw difficult things but that does not mean that you are no good or keep a hold on ,. we are there for you
    :)
    ashley-kate
    Life is all a perception. Do you see what I see? ...
    The more I fade away, the more they want me to stay...

  7. #7

    New to this...

    that was such a nicely done intro! I didn't even realize there was an introductions forums when I 1st came here...lol. it sounds like you have a lot going for you, even w/ all the struggles, and have made it through a lot... w/ 3 beautiful boys and a career ahead of you. that's something to smile about!! one thing about your best friend whom you mentioned, I understand w/ not wanting to 'burden' her but I'm sure she would be able to handle knowing more once in a while or just how things are going... it's something to think about. but it's so great you have her, I find distance is no match for a real friendship. I'm glad it's not for yours either. :o)

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