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  1. #11
    Join Date
    Jan 2013
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    11

    Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    Quote Originally Posted by Clancey View Post
    Cheryl, I haven't posted on this forum in years. I was sent an email by psych links and by chance stumbled across your posts. Like you, I married a narcissist.
    Add me to the list of "married a narcissist" only mine lasted 26 years. I'm a slow learner, I guess! We separated roughly a year ago after 2 fruitless attempts at marriage counselling. He forced me to leave, yet to family & friends he frames it as me leaving him.

    His gas lighting techniques are so pervasive that I actually went back and printed emails that he has sent over the years, put them together in chronological order so that when I start questioning myself and thinking maybe I did do these horrible things he says, I can refer back to the book and remind myself of past things he has said and done ... including posting nasty comments about me on Facebook.

    .I don't dwell on these emails anymore but sometimes if I start feeling guilty, I need the reminder. After a year of ups and downs, I have created a peaceful place for myself, meditating did help a lot- it is new but it helped me get to place of gratitude rather than resentment. It helps that we now live in different countries so I do not have to come face to face with him very often.

    I still find him intimidating, I still get a sick feeling if I see his name on my email inbox or worse if his number shows up on my phone, but I am getting stronger and healthier. He still is playing head games with me I am sure but time and distance have certainly helped.

    Now I begin every day with a feeling of gratitude and every time I walk into my very modest but MY place, I smile.
    Last edited by making_art; November 17th, 2016 at 05:53 PM. Reason: Added spacing for easy reading

  2. #12

    Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    There is such a thing as a covert narcissist that can lay in wait for years before their mask slips. Eventually the symptoms all reveal themselves. I truly understand that sick feeling when I see evidence that the "Narc" has tried to contact me. Even Cheryl described some physical manifestations she experiences.

    Years ago I was mugged in Rockville, Maryland. To this day, if someone I don't know gets too close to me, I jump. I was a victim. In dealing with Narcs we are victims. Their goal is to take us over and control us until they are ready to throw us away. They contact us to get what is called narcissistic supply. It's like a drug to them.

    If by chance I encounter the Narc, I do what is called "Gray Rock." It's the idea of walking down a stream bed and thinking what attracts me to any individual gray colored rock? Nothing and so I become boring and unattractive which generally gets the Narc to move on.

    The whole concept of what a narcissist is and does was mind boggling to me. It took a long time for me to understand that they were missing empathy. They do not feel love. They do not know what it feels like to be hurt. If they upset you, they get a charge out of it.

    I asked myself, "Was everything a lie?" Unfortunately the answer was "yes." To cover up what they lack, they learn to mimic what they observe others doing.

    I never have really understood cancer. It takes over the body as it's host, eventually not allowing it to function and therefore killing it and in turn killing itself. I see narcissism as being the same way. The difference is they move onto another host or victim, but eventually they run out of potential victims, especially when age catches up with them. Most of them die alone having destroyed all of their relationships of the past. Sad?

    All depends on our own abilities to heal, as to how we feel about that. That was a good post Potcake, I hadn't thought about meditation. You also speak of gratitude rather than resentment. I have been struggling with the word "forgiveness." I still have a lot of anger.
    Last edited by making_art; November 17th, 2016 at 05:51 PM. Reason: Added spacing for easy reading

  3. #13
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    11

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    Thank-you for your posts. I have not fortunately met people before my current husband whom I would call the behaviour of abuse (I do have disagreements) so sometimes it has to be pointed out to me, like above, that B's behaviour is ABUSE. See I thought his not replying to emails was because he did not want to, not that he was sending an intentional response by no response.
    Have not got a good handle on the term "gaslighting", have seen it in books about narcissists but never saw the movie that term seems connected to.

  4. #14

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    Cheryl, As with many subjects, they come with their own terminology. You learn it by researching the subject and applying it to your own situation. By ignoring you and only talking to your adult children, he is sending a message to you that there is something wrong with you and you are not worthy of his time.

    Let me share with you something that happened to me this past summer. An old friend came to see me. I had not talked to him in 5 years. I had bought a townhome and he showed up at my door. He started telling me that the way I had my furniture arranged was incorrect. The TV was in the wrong place and I needed to buy a recliner. He then asked if I had adequate food. I opened the refrigerator for about 30 seconds and he stated that he could clearly see that my food was out of date. The food was not out of date and I could clearly identify that he was gas lighting me. (Trying to convince me that I couldn't properly take care of myself.)

    I decided to play along, to see where it would go. Eventually he arrived at the point that I needed help and that I needed a guardian. Of course, he felt he was the man for the job. A guardian has access to everything you own. I politely declined his offer. He approached me a month later wanting me to invest a large sum of money into a business deal. I once again declined. Funny, but I don't hear from him anymore. I'm getting the silent treatment, lol.

  5. #15
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    11

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    First time I have felt up to writing on here again. Interesting what you wrote Clancey. My father (91 years old) died Nov. 24th. I wrote an email to my husband and each of his adult children to let them know. Have not heard anything from the children - people say that is incredible. Husband sent an email but never showed up at any of the services. I have initiated divorce proceedings - this presenting all different feelings too, one is that it does not seem that husband wants to protest divorce at all and that makes me feel sad.

  6. #16

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    Cheryl,
    Sorry to hear that your Father passed, it is so hard to let go, holding on to just memories. No longer able to hear their voice or feel their touch. 91 is a long life, but if your relationship was close, 91 is not long enough.

    When you have the time, do some reading under Lindsey Ellison. (Narcissism & Divorce)

    Your husband, most likely has moved on and is looking for, or romancing his next victim.

  7. #17
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,518

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    I am sorry for your loss, Cheryl.




  8. #18
    Join Date
    Oct 2016
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    11

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    How did it get to this - my husband dies, I work hard and with God's help find a man, get married and then I leave the raging man. Now back to Saturday evenings alone.

  9. #19
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,518

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    It's so hard to feel alone, and it affects so many people these days. I think that actually is quite helpful to remember - realising that we are never 'alone' in feeling alone - those times come to all of us, and there are lots of people out there just waiting to connect.

    Some people find it helpful to seek out different kinds of connections that they may not have really done before... It's good to remember that dating or a relationship is just one way of feeling connected, and is not the only way. Community noticeboards or websites like Meetup help a lot of people to find interest groups or things that they can start slowly or do at their own pace, in a structured sort of a way that feels safe. Speaking of Saturday night, be sure to check out your community notices, local websites, etc as lots of places have more happening these days in the area of free local events and community gatherings.

    A lot of people benefit also from a feeling of connection, feeling valuable, and feeling meaning through participation in some sort of volunteer activity or community activity or things like that.

    Getting involved in things like this can be really supportive as a backup so that we never feel like a relationship is our only 'thing' and our only connection, etc. Some people also find that the kind, compassionate listening and support of a therapist or counsellor is a wonderful backup and support as we travel on the journey of our life, and it can also offer wonderful guidance in finding healthy friendships and relationships when we are ready, and in knowing what to look out for to avoid bad ones or deal with challenges that come up in life.

    And online groups like this can help us feel connected, too.

    Hope that you can remember there are lots of opportunities to connect, Cheryl - hope that you will find some nice connections when you feel ready.

  10. #20

    Re: Hard to Believe Narcissistic Ex-husband's Self Control

    Cheryl,
    Do you realize how lucky you are? You married the clown in the middle of 2014 and it's the beginning of 2017, not quite 3 years. You were able to identify his disorder and get away from him before a lot of serious damage took place. Back in November, member "Potcake" shared it took her 26 years and her concluding line was "Now I begin every day with a feeling of gratitude and every time I walk into my very modest, but My place, I smile."

    Wow! That's a powerful statement.

    What is our object in this life? Is it not to live a happy and healthy life? Someone once shared that people seek two ideals in life, one is love and the other is acceptance. When we feel out of balance, we are usually missing one or both of these ideals. The Bible tells us that there is a time, for all things. "A time." Have you made it through the divorce, yet?

    I color in coloring books and do jigsaw puzzles. While I am creating I ponder events of my life and like Potcake, I'm thankful, thankful to be free to live my own life. If love finds me again it will be at that time when I have healed and have something to offer someone. Right now, I am trying to find my true self, again.

    Give yourself time, Cheryl, there is no need to be in a hurry. You are so very, very lucky.

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