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Thread: First Time Reaching Out..?

  1. #1

    First Time Reaching Out..?

    I'm really terrible at talking about myself. I've already deleted three attempts at starting this thread, I'm just going to ignore my instinct and keep going this time...

    I guess people can call me, spiral? Or amber.. or whatever.

    I'm 30, I'm trying to be better. I've been struggling with multiple mental and physical health problems since I was a kid. Only formally diagnosed for any mental illness in the last 3 years. Most of my life I've felt pretty alienated, I'm hyper-emotional, reactive, I rarely if ever channel my emotions in an angry, hostile or outwardly negative way. Definitely inwardly negative though. Teachers and counselors always used words like insightful, empathetic, intelligent, creative and whatever to describe the more positive characteristics of my identity? But used words and terms like.. Reclusive, low self-image, low self-confidence, low impulse control..
    in 2014 I was formally diagnosed for the first time after being admitted to an outpatient program after attempting to take my own life, they admitted me against my will. Although once I was there I assessed things and realized it was really where I needed to be at the time. I was diagnosed as 'Possible Rapid-Cycling, Bipolar Disorder 2' with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder/PTSD also I experience chronic cycles of Insomnia and Hypersomnia depending on a variety of factors I'm sure. In January I was admitted again to the same outpatient program for suicidal ideation, and diagnosed the same with Borderline Personality Disorder tendencies added to the cocktail.

    I have one child, who is currently (and for the past 6 months) not in my care, but in the care of close family. I see, and speak to my little one often but he lives elsewhere so that he may have a stable and secure environment that I am aware I cannot provide currently. As much as it hurts me, and as much as I hate it, as much as I feel that it makes me a terrible mother. Part of me knows I'm making a good decision, my little one is 8 and I involved them in the decision making regarding the situation, they are very much aware that I love them and I am here for them for anything they need at any time. They are happy, and doing well in school, and I don't think I can offer them an environment that is conducive to their absolute well-being. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this. Prior to the last 6 months we have always lived with family, i've always had someone there to support and supplement my shortcomings and weaknesses in ability.

    I have never really been able to hold a job for longer than a few months, I have severe problems with time management and punctuality, I react too strongly to things and over think and dig myself into a psychological black pit and I isolate myself, even not during a severely or moderately depressive period I experience the same hyper-emotional reactions to things that do not warrant that type of response.

    When I'm trying to be a normal person, I play/write/sing music, guitar, I paint and draw. I like to make things, but I am most passionate regarding learning about people, and feelings, and psychology and psychiatry, I've dreamed about going to school to be a psychiatrist, or social worker, or pharmacist, but I've never been good in school, due to severe social anxiety.

    I am living on my own for the second time, with my boyfriend. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, but is very supportive when he can be. We have our moments.

    I don't know what else to say here, so.. Oh, I am on medication. Venlafaxine, Lamotragine, Clonazepam, Propranolol and Pantoprazole for the stomach upset caused by the Venlafaxine... But still nauseous almost all the time..

    Ok. So hi, that's sort've parts of me I guess. Don't know what I'm expecting or hoping for here, but I feel like it's a start for me, reaching out to other people experiencing similar things. I don't open up to almost anyone about my problems, I'm very quiet, and I internalize everything.

    xx

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  3. #2

    Re: First Time Reaching Out..?

    Hello, Amber, and welcome to the Psychlinks support community. I'm glad you persisted in writing your introduction. I hope we can provide some of the support you're looking for.

  4. Re: First Time Reaching Out..?

    Hi Amber I know it took a lot of courage to post and I too an glad you are reaching out for support here. Have you ever looked in to taking some courses on line in the field of psychology. Just something to think about glad also you are able to stay in in your child's life .
    Words always stay inside ones soul

  5. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    North American lakes and rivers
    Posts
    4,819

    Re: First Time Reaching Out..?

    Hi Amber. Welcome to the forum.
    ~ Allow yourself to be the light that the world so desperately needs. ~ Unknown

  6. #5
    Join Date
    Sep 2012
    Location
    Australia
    Posts
    2,416

    Re: First Time Reaching Out..?

    Welcome, Amber! You did so well to go ahead and post, it can be such a difficult thing to do! Proud of you.

    It sounds like you really have done the best you could with the very difficult mixture of things that you have to deal with, and just being alive every day is something to be proud of.

    Never forget the idea that new possibilities can happen once we find the right supports and resources for us... there is always hope and possibility out there... even if we are a long way from seeing what it could look like just yet or how we could get there just yet.

    Hope you find some interesting things to read around the forum. And yeah, it can actually be a really nice thing even just to be an onlooker most of the time... It can still create a feeling of being connected.

    Nice to meet you

  7. #6

    Re: First Time Reaching Out..?

    Amber, you do have a lot of disorders listed and as I was reading your introduction I was wondering what your life must be like. Personally I have always questioned mental health diagnosis because so much of it is done by opinion. It's not like getting an MRI and observing a dot on the screen and saying, "There it is, it is definitely bipolar disorder." I wonder how many separate items you list that could actually be the same with different names? I am not picking on you, I'm just curious.

    I was diagnosed Bipolar in 2006. I always knew I had it, but I needed the diagnosis so that I could get medication because I was beginning to act out more aggressively. I do both extremes, depression and mania. It is in mania that I become a danger, especially to myself. Suicidal ideology has been a companion of mine since I was in my teens. In 2013 I had a massive stroke and wasn't found for 6 days. I was in a coma for awhile. When I did wake up I had no clue where I was, or who I was and you know, that was okay. I didn't know I had been out and I equated it to a peaceful experience. My concept of death changed. I lost the fear associated with it, but at the same time I found a challenge, once awake, to overcome the limitations the stroke left me with.

    I guess in a sense to have contemplated my self inflicted death for so many years and be right on death's doorstep, I found a will to survive that was stronger than my ideological insanity.

    Anyway, thanks for sharing so openly.

  8. #7
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,745

    Re: First Time Reaching Out..?

    Welcome to the forum Amber!
    Change begins when you practice ordinary courage

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