I'm really terrible at talking about myself. I've already deleted three attempts at starting this thread, I'm just going to ignore my instinct and keep going this time...
I guess people can call me, spiral? Or amber.. or whatever.
I'm 30, I'm trying to be better. I've been struggling with multiple mental and physical health problems since I was a kid. Only formally diagnosed for any mental illness in the last 3 years. Most of my life I've felt pretty alienated, I'm hyper-emotional, reactive, I rarely if ever channel my emotions in an angry, hostile or outwardly negative way. Definitely inwardly negative though. Teachers and counselors always used words like insightful, empathetic, intelligent, creative and whatever to describe the more positive characteristics of my identity? But used words and terms like.. Reclusive, low self-image, low self-confidence, low impulse control..
in 2014 I was formally diagnosed for the first time after being admitted to an outpatient program after attempting to take my own life, they admitted me against my will. Although once I was there I assessed things and realized it was really where I needed to be at the time. I was diagnosed as 'Possible Rapid-Cycling, Bipolar Disorder 2' with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder/PTSD also I experience chronic cycles of Insomnia and Hypersomnia depending on a variety of factors I'm sure. In January I was admitted again to the same outpatient program for suicidal ideation, and diagnosed the same with Borderline Personality Disorder tendencies added to the cocktail.
I have one child, who is currently (and for the past 6 months) not in my care, but in the care of close family. I see, and speak to my little one often but he lives elsewhere so that he may have a stable and secure environment that I am aware I cannot provide currently. As much as it hurts me, and as much as I hate it, as much as I feel that it makes me a terrible mother. Part of me knows I'm making a good decision, my little one is 8 and I involved them in the decision making regarding the situation, they are very much aware that I love them and I am here for them for anything they need at any time. They are happy, and doing well in school, and I don't think I can offer them an environment that is conducive to their absolute well-being. I feel a lot of guilt and shame about this. Prior to the last 6 months we have always lived with family, i've always had someone there to support and supplement my shortcomings and weaknesses in ability.
I have never really been able to hold a job for longer than a few months, I have severe problems with time management and punctuality, I react too strongly to things and over think and dig myself into a psychological black pit and I isolate myself, even not during a severely or moderately depressive period I experience the same hyper-emotional reactions to things that do not warrant that type of response.
When I'm trying to be a normal person, I play/write/sing music, guitar, I paint and draw. I like to make things, but I am most passionate regarding learning about people, and feelings, and psychology and psychiatry, I've dreamed about going to school to be a psychiatrist, or social worker, or pharmacist, but I've never been good in school, due to severe social anxiety.
I am living on my own for the second time, with my boyfriend. He has Borderline Personality Disorder, but is very supportive when he can be. We have our moments.
I don't know what else to say here, so.. Oh, I am on medication. Venlafaxine, Lamotragine, Clonazepam, Propranolol and Pantoprazole for the stomach upset caused by the Venlafaxine... But still nauseous almost all the time..
Ok. So hi, that's sort've parts of me I guess. Don't know what I'm expecting or hoping for here, but I feel like it's a start for me, reaching out to other people experiencing similar things. I don't open up to almost anyone about my problems, I'm very quiet, and I internalize everything.