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  1. #1

    Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt

    I am 43 years old.....not a mixed up teen..... I have had suicidal thoughts from a young age and throughtout my life have made various attempts to take my life.

    I have just discharged myself from a psyc. hospital. I was sent there 3 weeks ago after attempting to take an overdose. I was angry at myself for failing and angrier at my partner for "saving" me. I tried to make quite sure that I had taken a fatal combination. I am a nurse so, am quite aware of potentially dangerous and lethal medications. My partner woke up during the night and found me before it was too late. She allowed them to resuscitate me twice....this made me angry.

    I should be feeling better but I don't. I don't know how to find the motivation to want to live. Everyone expects me to suddenly be interested in life just because I have spend time in a psychiatric facility. Should I be feeling different?

    Desiree

  2. #2

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    Being hospitalized for observation after a suicide attempt isn't therapy, Desiree... it's just crisis intervention. I wouldn't expect you to suddenly feel nappy or even happier after that experience.

    But I would encourage you to consider that you now have another opportunity to make changes that will matter to you and to those who care about you.

    You're a nurse, you said. Do you know what resources are available in your area and how to access them?

  3. #3

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    I am aware of the resources available to me.... I have been having therapy every second day as my psychiatrist feels that I am still too unstable to be trusted. I have not been able to identify why I have a need for destructive behaviour at my age.

    I have always had this pattern of destruction and although I have been able to keep it at bay for many years, it has always been a part of me. I have a loving partner, she is willing to be patient with me. She is willing to help me where she can..... I have no major problems in my life......

    I am having difficulty in trying to want to live. I just feel tired of everything and at the moment am struggling to care about the hurt I will cause others if I do this selfish thing..... I am at the point where I don't necessarily want to die but, I don't want to live........ I am trying to rationalise my feelings and thoughts but, am unable to.

    Desiree

  4. #4

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    I am at the point where I don't necessarily want to die but, I don't want to live........
    Personally, when I am living in a gray area where life is interesting but doesn't seem worthwhile, I like the following, rather stoic ideas:

    "You cannot separate the good from the bad. And perhaps there is no need to do so, either." --Jackie Kennedy Onassis

    "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." --Marie Curie

    "There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so." --William Shakespeare
    Anyway, it's easier (or less difficult) for me to ignore or deconstruct my negative thinking than it is to be very positive about the nature of life. Of course, a big problem with depression is overthinking/rumination.
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  5. #5

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    Hello, fellow nurse, and welcome to the forums!

    In what area of nursing are you employed? It's a stressful job, as any of us who are involved in healthcare services well know. In some ways, we who care for others often take on their problems as well as our own. Sometimes, it's difficult to draw the lines we need to draw to keep ourselves shielded from depression. This isn't a weakness, but it is most certainly an aspect of the work we do that needs to be addressed.

    As you well know, just being hospitalized doesn't cure anybody of anything. As David pointed out, it's just a crisis-intervention...that applies whether we're removing a recalcitrant gallbladder or interceding to protect against emotions that have gone out of control. One is not that different from the other. Each indicates that something isn't working properly. We may be able to stop the emergent symptoms, but it takes awhile to really heal, eh?

    I'm glad to hear you're getting professional help, and glad you're seeing someone often. During this time, as you know, it's important that you do so. This is the time when you can bring all the old hurts and fears out for examination and find better ways to cope with them than you might have used in the past. It isn't easy, luv. I know. However, it's well worth the effort. There is a brightness beyond the dark. Sometimes, if you try very hard, you can see just a gleam of it ahead of you. Keep trudging on toward that gleam. We'll be here to help and to reassure when you need us.

    Feel free to contact me. We do have a bit of common ground.

  6. #6

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    I did neurology and neurosurgery for 13 years. Was doing orthopedics when I was medically boarded in July last year. Had done this about 6 years. I have been at home now for 7 months and know that this contributes to the way I feel about life. Some of what I feel comes from having to stop working..... but, I have had these suicidal tendencies from age 14. This is just part of who I am and how I think.

    I realise that being in the psychiatric hosp. for 3 weeks was only crisis intervention and I realise how important my therapy sessions are. This is possibly what is making the slightest difference. It is very difficult to suddenly stop thinking a certain way. This pattern is almost like second nature and therefore is difficult to realise how I am feeling until I am in a very dark period. There have been times when I have been able to redirect my attention which has ultimately resulted in me not making an attempt...... I am just having more of a problem coping after being unsuccessful this time.

    I have been smoking "pot" for a while which does seem to help me to cope more. I am able to relax once I have smoked. I am sure this is mainly why I have been resisting the urge to try again to end it.

    Desiree

  7. #7

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    It is very difficult to suddenly stop thinking a certain way.
    Yes, which is why more emphasis sometimes needs to be placed on the behavior aspect of cognitive behavior therapy since it is usually easier to change one's behavior than one's thought patterns.

    Also, for me, novelty is the greatest enemy of despair. In other words:

    Depression is not simply the antagonist of happiness. Instead, despair might be caused by the loss of the brain's essential plasticity. A person's inability to change herself is what drags her down.

    SEED Magazine, "The Revolution Is In Your Head," Feb/March 2006 issue, pg. 65
    (According to the scientific magazine SEED, it is now being speculated that part of the reason that antidepressants and exercise help depression is because they help foster neurogenesis, the creation of new brain cells, which may help to increase the plasticity of the brain. At least in rats, exercise and antidepressants have each been shown to increase the production of new brain cells.)
    "What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

  8. #8

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    life is hard butbi s it really worth your life? i know i am only 17 and i kno wprobably a lot less than many but is it not possible that if your attemps were not successful.. it is not your time or that deep down there is part of you that is unsure ... death is never a way out in any case espaeciall with all the possiblities of help that are open to you.. stay strong i know it is hard to come back and face the world that you tried to escape but it is are world and with you in it it just makes it a bit more special... think positive even though it is hard sometimes the glass is half way full and not half empty.. hang on from a girl that looks up to you as someone that can make it
    :icon_flower: :icon_sunny:
    Life is all a perception. Do you see what I see? ...
    The more I fade away, the more they want me to stay...

  9. #9

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    Thanks everyone, I don't really know what to say.... I am a nurse, I am intelligent, I should know better!!!. I am struggling at the moment but am holding out.... I have not been entirely open with you.
    I was addicted to diet pills, coke & dope, I was busy detoxing after my failed attempt and I have screwed it up again. I had been smoking dope again which was helping me to have the will to continue to live...... I have done a bit of coke..... I will tell my psychiatrist on Monday. Therapy has been helping a little... I think!. I am not feeling as "down" as I was.... probably due to therapy.... or possibly due to the drugs??? I just need some advice, direction, whatever.
    Desiree

  10. #10

    Re: Having to face life after unsuccessful suicide attempt!!!

    Step 1 is to get off the coke and diet pills and stay off them. If you feel you absolutely must have something, at least confine it to pot - not that pot is good for you but at least it's less destructive than the other two.

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