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  1. #11
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    So he has 4 students but needs 8 or 9 to pay the bills?

    David (I found out only in the last few years) was diagnosed to have ADHD as a child. He’s not currently on medication for ADHD.
    In addition to getting hearing aids and glasses, his best bet may be to consider getting evaluated for any possible current mental health issues, such as depression resulting from chronic pain. If he would do better financially on disability payments from the government, that may be worth considering as well (and may be more likely to get approved for a mental disability than a physical one -- as is often the case in the US.)
    ďOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.Ē ~ Rumi

  2. #12
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    He used to work as much as maybe 20 hours per week.
    I have worked almost that much (16 hours/wk) while on disability (SSDI, which gives more entitlements than SSI). And since I was only making minimum wage basically, the government did not consider my monthly income to be that of "substantial gainful activity" -- which means I could keep everything I made and my disability payments.

    While the situation may be very different in Canada, it may help to talk to a disability lawyer if it doesn't cost anything for an initial consult. (Disability lawyers are everywhere in the US and free until backpayments are awarded.)
    ďOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.Ē ~ Rumi

  3. #13
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    BTW:

    Quote Originally Posted by David Baxter
    Yes depression counts. Anything which prevents you from working counts.

    But you will need thorough documentation and you will need to demonstrate that you are following all appropriate medical/psychiatric recommendations to recover.

    You are going to need to demonstrate that you are doing and/or have done all you can to get well.

    Talk to your family doctor first. See what he can recommend and what he can suggest.

    Millions of people take medications and most find one that works for them without side-effects.

    How Hard is It to Get ODSP for Severe Depression?
    Quote Originally Posted by David Baxter
    I would recommend that you get advice from Legal Aid and your doctor.

    ODSP is a bureaucracy. For reasons that escape me, they seem to deny most claims the first time around, almost as if that's their policy, but many are approved on appeal.

    ODSP - Not officially diagnosed, and not sure what to do. - Page 2
    ďOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.Ē ~ Rumi

  4. #14
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by Daniel View Post
    Is he interested in or getting psychiatric care?

    Would you be better off financially on your own? (Personally, that would build resentment in me real quick, especially since the underlying issues -- like addiction -- are often more than financial.)
    OMG... Resentment is right. But I was trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. I thought perhaps he wasnít well mentally, so how could I tell him what I needed him to do? I wasnít sure if I was being fair.

    It got to the point that he is getting MUCH easier to talk to.

    Also I had a bit of an epiphany today.

    He told me that because I have the degree, that I should make the money and heís work part time and look after the dog and house, etc.

    Somehow, in my lack of brain while on the ADHD meds, perhaps, I think I missed something.

    I asked him if he thought since I was the main breadwinner that he thought I somehow should be the one with all the financial responsibilities and pressure. I said to him, itís not a problem to work part
    time and look after the house, but you still have to help enough financially so that itís actually equal.
    I told him the way things are going right now, I feel taken for granted. I said if I was in charge of making all the money and that money had to pay bills, it wouldnít be ďourĒ money. I said his money and my money would be in separate bank accounts. Heíd have his, Iíd have mine. However I am doing all I can and itís not enough. I could be working as a teacher with my degree and probably making a lot less & having less benefits if I was teaching Arts Education instead of where I work now as technical support.

    I also pointed out, look, Iím off work right now because I canít go back until this whole thing is straightened out, or at least on the right path. I feel that if I go back to work too soon without the entirety of the many steps we need to take, well everything is just going to slide back into the Gong Show again.

    And even though Iím off work, I still get paid 75 percent of what I normally make. I pointed out that even though Iím not working, Iím still getting paid plenty of money.

    We also got a good tax return because David was listed again as my dependent.

    Iím going to make him understand if I have to repeat myself daily. Which Iím trying not to do. I asked him why doesnít he feel self-motivated to take care of the finances with me? How does that show me heís mentally well????

    So tomorrow, one of the major steps we have to make is to open a new bank account. Our legislated financial counselor advised us it would be a good idea to remove our income from our current one in case the creditors come after us. So thatís what weíre going to do tomorrow.

    I know that all the credit is ruined under MY name (2 credit cards & a personal line of credit), but we both made this happen, so even though the law says itís all on me, he seems to understand that Iím not the only one who needs to step up.

    Iím worried his brain is gonna somehow twist that into it all being on me.

    I did remind him that if we are divorced, the debt is gonna be halved. I havenít said anything about the possibility that since he wasnít making enough money that there is a tiny possibility that heíd be given more of a load.

    Iím sorry, Iím really overwhelmed by whatís going on and by all these questions.

    I am pretty sure there still IS something wrong. At least I hope there is. Because otherwise I should be mad as hell at him. This is all the more frustrating when he wonít get help. And he projects at me frequently where heís talking to ME like I should be doing something more.

    I said Iím seeing a psychiatrist, a
    psychologist, and an ADHD coach. How is that not helping myself? Not to mention all the CBT Iíve had in the span of about 15 years.

    I asked him too, because he seemed to think somehow that itís my mentally unwell perception thatís a problem. lol Like I donít have a REASON to be alarmed/concerned, and thereís no reason to encourage/push him to do anything. WTF, I am worried heís got this fantasy that the tax return is going to keep us afloat forever, somehow. I donít know how long itís going to last if Iím making as much money as I possibly can and still weíre consistently spending $200 or more than weíre making with his contributions.

    It was like trying to hit him over the head with a heavy object, but his thick skull wonít let any reality get through. I feel like Iím in the Twilight Zone. lol

    Anyway, I think... I hope... He finally knows what he needs to do. If not, Iíll sure as hell remind him. I feel like Iím trying to build a sand sculpture in the rain.

    Now I know I am partially responsible for ďover-caringĒ for him. But if heís as well as he claims, I pointed out that Iíve been holding back, and I need to push him harder then. Even though thatís not supposed to be my job.

    I really really hope what we discussed has finally sunk in.

    If heís not mentally ill, then is he really just a lazy ******* who thinks I should be his money slave!?! lol Only reason I still havenít kicked him to the curb is because Iím pretty sure he IS depressed. And I have a feeling itís his normal. For him, his normal is being depressed. So thatís why he thinks nothing is wrong with him. lol

    *pulling out my hair*

    Heís supposed to go to Physio as well, but apparently he feels he canít do that at the same time that heís working on finances. This is another thing that is infuriating. Heís doing everything sooo slowly, and I feel I have no choice but to give him a poke with a stick once in a while, so that I donít real his fragile ego/fantasy that somehow everything will be okay... Or whateverís going on on that head of his.

    I was thinking of going to different psychologist because my current one doesnít have a lot of availability. So maybe Iíll get a marriage counselor and have David come with me. Iím pretty much planning to tell him that if he loves me heíll come. He said he would listen to me when I told him what I needed. I need him to come to a therapist with me.

    Iím almost to the point of telling him, look, if you think nothing is wrong with you, then Iím not going to see any therapists either. Iím going to ask to get weaned of my anti-anxiety and anti-depression meds. I donít know if that strategy will work, but it worked when I told him I wouldnít set up an appointment with my therapist until he set one up with his...

    My point is that he apparently cares for me more than he cares about himself. I donít know what else to do. After thinking about it, I realize I am pretty much turning my anger inward all over again, and I intend to do it.
    I donít make idle threats. I mean to keep a promise.

    Who am I kidding?! Iím heckiní lost. lol


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  5. #15
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by David Baxter View Post
    Or going to couples counseling?
    Well, weíre going to find out. I seriously want to set a fire under his butt. Or give it a few good kicks. *sigh*

    When do I push him and when do I hold back?!!


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  6. #16
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Oh man, I went and made an epic novel, there. Heckin’ shootin’ and other family-friendly “swearing.”


    Sent from my Hollycopter using SlappaSquawk
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  7. #17
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    He told me that because I have the degree, that I should make the money and he work part time and look after the dog and house, etc.
    Maybe he needs to feel more consequences, as in there is less money for things he thinks he needs.

    It obviously would not be wrong for you to save for retirement, etc. when possible.
    ďOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.Ē ~ Rumi

  8. #18
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by H011yHawkJ311yBean View Post
    Well, we’re going to find out. I seriously want to set a fire under his butt. Or give it a few good kicks. *sigh*

    When do I push him and when do I hold back?!!
    When you're fed up with holding back.

    Also, back to @Daniel's point,

    He told me that because I have the degree, that I should make the money and he work part time and look after the dog and house, etc.
    Is he in fact doing any of those things? Looking after the house? Cooking? Laundry? Looking after the dog? Taking the dog out for walks? etc., etc.?

  9. #19
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Since exercise can help with depression, maybe you two can go for more/longer walks, etc. together?

    For me, when we were living paycheck to paycheck, the other problem was less "date nights" since I was in survival mode. But even getting an ice cream cone at McDonalds or taking a walk somewhere new can be a way to spend time together and get some novelty.

    For depression/anxiety, I find it especially helpful to spend more time in public places or in Nature, both of which provide novelty.
    ďOut beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I'll meet you there.Ē ~ Rumi

  10. #20
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    Re: Itís Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by David Baxter View Post
    When you're fed up with holding back.

    Also, back to @Daniel's point,



    Is he in fact doing any of those things? Looking after the house? Cooking? Laundry? Looking after the dog? Taking the dog out for walks? etc., etc.?
    Yes he is! Heís even taken it up a few notches!

    Heís actually made plans with a friend to do some work on the house that have needed repairs for years. His friend is the reliable one.


    Sent from my Hollycopter using SlappaSquawk
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    My dog is a human whisperer.

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