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  1. #1
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    It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    I don't think I have the energy to explain. It sums up to feeling more depressed than usual. It's frustrating whenever you talk to someone about adulting and said person gets so hostile.

    And then my friend freaked out on me (in FB Messenger) after I had asked what I had thought was a reasonable question in a Pug Group on Facebook. I have a Boston Terrier but my friend said it was okay to join the Pug Group because my Boston Terrier/Frenchie cross is Medium Pug size. He has a blast when he's hanging out with all his buddies. There was a poll put up on the group wall and I asked if another question could be added to the poll.

    Well, she seemed to assume I knew there was drama all week going on (in a Pug Group!?!) and when I said I didn't she practically asked me if I was stupid/blind.

    She said started off the conversation with this:



    Apparently she just has a potty mouth/fingers when texting.

    I told her how I felt triggered because, as I mentioned, my David has already gotten pissed at me for asking what I feel are reasonable questions. My tone is even and calm, I think. He just doesn't like to deal with adulting because he's been through enough crap for several people. Especially finances. But it's imperative that we DO work on our finances. He needs to work on not being so defensive and hostile just because he is the one who needs to get more work. He has so many options, not just getting more students.

    I rarely have arguments with either my husband or my friend. And it was messages, not talking on the phone/in person, so there was no tone except the one inside my head. Which wasn't a very nice tone.

    I'm willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. My husband apologized and said he didn't mean the things he'd said, and that he just lost it on me trying to accuse me of blaming him for the lack of our funds.

    He's playing World of Warcraft again and he's getting carried away again. I was very happy today that he spent some time with me outside. He still feels guilty, but there have been a few times in the last few months where he was unnecessarily angry or accusing of me of... I don't know what...

    It was very triggering. Somehow everything was my fault... Even though I wasn't implying that "everything" was HIS fault. Even though it feels like I drained out all my veins for the amount of time he was sick. It would be nice if he could do the same for me.

    I'm so tired of being the "Responsible One." I want to be taken care of. Obviously David isn't ready to help anyone, and barely interested in helping himself.

    I just don't know what to do. I'm not trying to push him into doing something before he's ready. If I don't say anything then I'm letting myself down. If I say something to encourage or ask him if he can do something, he flips like a switch from 0 to Broil...

    Thanks for listening. Let me hear some encouraging words, maybe a wee pep talk. Or maybe post cute photos. lol
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  2. #2
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Both of those situations with your friend and husband sound really stressful.
    It definitely seems like the one with your friend came out of nowhere for you since it was based on FB stuff that you had no idea about.

    I'm not great with talking about relationship stuff but I can certainly post a link to some cute dog gifs.

  3. #3
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Obviously David isn’t ready to help anyone, and barely interested in helping himself.
    What has he been like in the past? e.g. Before he met you: Did he have a history of living off of other people or often borrowing money? Has he ever been almost homeless?

    Has he ever been on disability insurance for depression/anxiety/etc?

    How many hours a week is he working now? How does that compare to a couple/few years ago?

  4. #4
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Is he interested in or getting psychiatric care?

    Would you be better off financially on your own? (Personally, that would build resentment in me real quick, especially since the underlying issues -- like addiction -- are often more than financial.)

  5. #5
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    If his income was not the issue (e.g. he got a big check every month), what other issues exist that cause resentment? Is he apathetic about things in general? Or just things that are not game related?

    He’s playing World of Warcraft again and he’s getting carried away again. I was very happy today that he spent some time with me outside.
    Have you considered giving him an ultimatum -- it's me or the Xbox (or whatever it is)?

  6. #6
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by Daniel View Post
    Is he interested in or getting psychiatric care?
    Or going to couples counseling?

  7. #7
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Sometimes a single session of couples therapy can be helpful/affordable.

    Some of the blog posts at Psychology Today:

    Marriage Problems? Here's an 8-Step Rescue Plan

    Couples Therapy: 15 Essentials That the Best Therapists Do

    A Giver and a Taker

  8. #8
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Three Reasons to Leave: Abuse, Addiction, and Affairs

    Researchers have long reported that financial problems are the top area of conflict for most couples, and that communication is the second most-cited reason for marital discord. While that may be true, these problems pale in comparison to the severe and devastating consequences resulting from abuse, addiction, and affairs...

  9. #9
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by gooblax View Post
    ...I can certainly post a link to some cute dog gifs.
    Oh yay! Thank you gooblax! You're a gem!




    Sent from my Hollycopter using SlappaSquawk
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

  10. #10
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    Re: It's Been a Rough Couple of Weeks

    Quote Originally Posted by Daniel View Post
    What has he been like in the past? Before he met you: Did he have a history of living off of other people or often borrowing money?
    - His father had passed away a couple of years before we met online. He was living with his mom at the time but he had his own business. He sold basketball, baseball, football cards and memorabilia. Also he had a settlement from a company he worked for because when he was laying pipe/conduit dirt fell on him and it damaged his back. He had 2
    laminectomies before I met him. The money from the settlement allowed him to buy a hot tub to help his back. I thought he was comfortable with money & was just staying with his mom due to health issues and helping his mom at the time.

    Has he ever been almost homeless?
    Yes. Before he met me, while his dad was still alive, his "Friends" had an idea that if the 3 (it might've been 4) of them went to (can't remember which state) they could get work, etc. But they ended up using him for his money, and one of them even stole his really nice long coat. His dad had to come and get him. He's also tried to get into business with a neighbour who was selling swimming pools, but the neighbour ended up stiffing him for money.

    As a couple we ran into the unfortunate scenario of leasing a van and coming up to Canada to live. Turns out you can only bring a vehicle across the border if you outright own it. So we had to drive it back to the US within, I think they gave us 3 months.

    When we were going back to the US, I was certain we were instructed to go back to the Canadian entrance once more just to let them know & see the vehicle. But we were a bit rattled because when we explained what we had to do to the US customs, they freaked out and got a dog to inspect our vehicle for drugs. lol lol Wouldn't even let us go pee until they'd searched the van.

    I just thought David/I had a string of bad luck mixed in with some bad choices. But you're allowed to make mistakes in your life, especially in your teens-to-20's... Right? lol


    Has he ever been on disability insurance for depression/anxiety/etc?

    He was on disability, in the form of the settlement from his back injury. But then apparently he blew a bunch of it by purchasing me a diamond ring. It was valued at $9000 USD. But when we got it appraised more recently, we were told the person who sold it either didn't know what the hell he was talking about or intentionally mislead David. It's a big and shiny ring. But it was appraised in Canada as $3000 CAD.


    How many hours a week is he working now? He used to work as much as maybe 20 hours per week. But since all the health problems he has had 3 students... And gotten 1 more after our "Divorce Talk." And he says he thinks I'm pressuring him.

    How does that compare to a couple/few years ago?
    Let's say before there were major issues with his health, or in between his life-threatening or extremely painful health issues: he was up to, I think it was, 15 students. That was way too many. We figured out more recently that we could survive on 8 or 9 students, although 10 would even provide a bit of a financial cushion.

    His father was very physically ill, as well as emotionally, and was an alcoholic. Dave Senior had issues with his back to the point where he'd lay on the floor, moaning in pain. He also had a blood disorder, and David (Jr) also had an issue, hence his spleen was removed when he was 12.

    To tell you the truth, I came to the conclusion that my David has something really odd going on. I Googled all his symptoms and concluded MAYBE (because one shouldn't diagnose oneself or loved one on the Internet! lol) he might have Noonan's syndrome. Noonan's is an odd syndrome, as it can present in SO many different ways.

    David has inherited some sort of degenerative bone issue and blood disorder from his father.

    David (I found out only in the last few years) was diagnosed to have ADHD as a child. He's not currently on medication for ADHD.

    He has Valgus Orbitus in his elbows (created really bad tennis/golf elbow for which he had to receive Physio)...

    He had cancer and is considered cancer free since Jan 2019 (5 years after surgery/chemo/radiation), but to make sure to remain that way, he's continuing to take Tamoxifen for 5 more years. Side effects include arthritic-like symptoms in his joints.

    He's had neck surgery for a herniated disc that ruptured.

    He's had his bowel resection and previous to that, several years of diverticulitis bleeds/infections. I guess there was too much going on (or cancer, neck surgery) to be operated on before 2017.

    He also had the oddest horrible leg cramps as a child, where his mom had to take him to the ER for help. She worked in a hospital, so she had already tried Tylenol & hydration.

    He was so skinny when I met him. His butt had no fat.

    He's got bad hearing, bad eyesight, and my benefits can cover either/both, but he doesn't seem to (ever) want to take advantage of this and get prescription lenses.

    The End (I think!)




    Sent from my Hollycopter using SlappaSquawk
    (Formerly JollyGreenJellyBean)

    My dog is a human whisperer.

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