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  1. #1
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    Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    I have complex trauma issues, PTSD, numerous health issues, depression, chronic pain, and panic disorder.

    I am trying to get my lif together, am on meds to help, and I am seeing a awesome therapist.

    My dilemma now, my loving husband of 20 years has heart issues. They wanted to do open heart surgery but said he would die on the operating table. They were going to just send him home to die until a cardiologist from the states was moving to our city and he was able to put in balloon stents. This was done three months ago. He is still having so much chest pain, he is on a nitro patch and spray. Every time he takes the nitro spray I want to call an ambulance.

    My body is in hyper mode, on full alert. I can't eat, I can't sleep.
    I feel his life slipping away from me, and he says he knows his life will soon end. He wants to plan his funeral, and I just can't do that, I refuse to do that. I know I am in denial that way, I just can't imagine life without him.

    Why...does a man who is so loving and caring have to endure such medical crisis. I just don't understand....he does not deserve this kind of life. And I know that someday soon, he will not survive, and it just kills me. He is my sole mate and best friend. We get along so great, and we do everything together. I would change places with him anyday. I just feel so alone and helpless, powerless that there is nothing that I can do for him.

    I just needed to tell someone. I just don't know what to do, or how to feel.

  2. #2
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    So sorry to read of your husband's medical issue @Hunter. It must be extremely tough for the both of you

  3. #3
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    @Hunter is he still having followups with the cardiologist?

    I'd also suggest you check with the hospital to see whether they offer any social work services for their patients and families. They often do when it's a serious or life-threatening illness.

  4. #4
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    I would certainly follow up with the cardiologist to let know you husband is still in alot of pain. Maybe something else can be done to help ease that pain. In regards to your husband wishes to set plans for his funeral well maybe it would ease his mind some knowing if anything happened you would not have to deal with all of it. It would put his mind at ease and not have so much worry on him. It does not mean he will die soon it just takes stress off of him. I hope you can contact the cardiologist soon If you can as said set up some supports in place for you and your husband with the social worker that will also help lessen some stress. Keep talking to us here ok let us know how you are doing.
    Words always stay inside ones soul

  5. #5
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    Yes meets with doctors and cardiologists. They say he will always have chest pains for the rest of his life. Basically take him home from the hospital as nothing can be done, his heart is too damaged and diseased, functioning at 65%.
    I am a wreck, I can't eat or sleep. I look at him and I am so angry he has to go through this

    - - - Updated - - -

    Yes, you are so right. It's just going to be hard, because up to now I would refuse to talk to him about it.

    My therapist is so awesome, without him, I could not deal with the crisis, and this site helps and so did your post.

    Will keep you all posted, thanks for taking the time to comment.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Yes you are so right, it's just so hard. He's only 56 and have been so many health crisis.
    I have an awesome therapist, without him, I could not function at all.

    I will keep you posted. Thanks for taking the time to comment, I appreciate it very much.

    Thank you

  6. #6
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    I am glad you have support in place for You and that your therapist is so helpful.

    It is so hard to see a love one in pain i understand

    You are doing good to talk here and I hope you can talk to your doctor about getting something for you to help you rest at night.
    Words always stay inside ones soul

  7. #7
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    Hi Hunter, sorry to hear what your husband is going through. Him and I are the smae age and pretty much the same problem (of course no 2 specific common heath issues are identical) But we both have major heart problems. Alo sorry in advance I get long winded on some subjects.

    Your posts are a little unclear as to if this just started or if he had previous heart attacks etc. Also the country, state, prov etc. can make a big difference in the treatment.

    The only advice I can give is just based on personal experience and the story of a friend of my best friend to whom they said 5 years max to live after heart problems decades and decades ago and as my friend said he was convinced and well seems everyone was wrong... he has buried 2 wives during this very long timeframe.

    Personally, my cardiologist last year when I was leaving his office said "This is the firt time where I'm optimistic when I say I'll see you in 6 months" I've had him as my cardiologist since 2005. When I gave him "The look!" saying: What? He responded with "Serioudly we never thought you'd ever make it this far.

    I had my first massive heart attack back in Quebec and was not supposed to make it through the night. That was June 27, 2001. 18 Years ago. The wife at the time whom they took aside at one point and told her she had a few minute to say her goodbyes passed away in 2015. (we were no longer together) Then a Stent in the right artery 10 days later. I was now good for another 20,000 miles the angio surgeon joked.

    I had a triple bypass in April 2002. Yes those 200,000 miles came in only 9 months. My main artery had blocked to 98% near the top. Another heart attack in 2009, 2 More stents Then one I found out I had had about a month after the fact later that I had suffered through and kept on working in March 2010 and found out after the fact that one of my grafts that had 2 stents put in the year earlier had totally blocked. I have 7 stents in all 5 in the heart (2 totally blocked) and 2 in the top of both femural arteries.

    I had 2 more stents put in couple years ago when they attempted a new procedure that was unsuccessful to unblock a complete blockage. I'm still here 18 years after they said I would not make it through the night and everything else since.

    Angina, it's is just a part of my life. The important thing is the need to realize that with heart problems in some circumstances activity is to be kept to a minimum. Some people with minimal damage can work back to top shape. 65% is still on the plus side. I have a close friend that has congestive heart and kidney failure and spent almost 2 months in intensive care through the last Christmas holidays. She wasn't supposed to make it. She's on dialysis 3 times a week now but she's doing better and mostly she's still alive!

    If his heart problems and angina are relatively new (as far as diagnosis) there is the potential for increased anxiety based angina. It's common at first. everything feels like you're having the next and final one. Over the years you learn to know your body signs and even them it can fool you.

    All this is simply to encourage you guys that even if he's convinced that he won't make it there's a very good possibility you might have to "put up with him" a lot longer than he thinks. I wasn't going to make it though that first massive heart attack nightI was convinced neyond a doubt I wouldn't see 40, then 45, 50, 55 and now maybe not the big 60 as that's a whole 3 years and 2 months away. And heck even my doctors are surpised I'm still alive and driving them crazy. My GP once jokingly said "Gary, Sometimes I wonder if you're alive, becaause of us, or in spite of us"

    There are new less invasive sugical procedures being developped like in all feids of medicine. But regardless of health at our age it's important to have our stuff in order so if it comforts him (I know it's hard for you) just go along. it will reduce the anxiety and the stress,

    A sick person feeds off his surroundings emotions and usually becomes more acute and sensitive to them. Best way to keep his stress down is for you not to be anxious and stressed expecially when he takes his nitro. Basic rule is always taught the same, if he needs a shot get into alert but soothing mode. Wait 5 minutes if not passed take a 2nd dose and if after 5 minutes still chest pain take the spray and call 911. Avoifing heavy meals and late meals can also eliminate many angina epsisodes.

    But e;iminating stressful or stressed out people from his immediate presence are a million times more effective at reducing angina and heart attacks than anything else!

    Hope it's encouraging in some way cause some times I lose track of if I'm being helpful and encouraging or plain annoying

  8. #8
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    He was diagnosed with diabetes 25 years ago. Since then he has had peripheral arterial bypass on his foot, due to no circulation.

    In 2004 he had a stent put in.

    He was to go bAck to work in April from his leg bypass surgery.
    But one week before he was to go back to work he had a major heart attack.
    He had three stents put in his main part of his heart. They wanted to do bypass surgery triple bypass, but said he would die on the table. They wanted to send him to Alberta to do a heart transplant, but again he would not live through it.

    His chest pains have been very severe since his three stents. He's on a nitro patch Nd takes nitro spray when needed. He can take three sprays before he has to go to the hospital.
    Your words are very encouraging.

    I don't know how to be so stressed out. I am in panic and hyper mode. I can't relax. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am a walking zombie.

    I am dealing with complex trauma and PTSD and chronic pain from a very severe car accident. I am so thankful that I have a very caring and compassionate therapist.

    Take care and thanks for the post. It's encouraging and great news for you. I am happy that you are doing ok.

  9. #9
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    I just feel so alone and helpless, powerless that there is nothing that I can do for him.
    I'm sure just your presence is helping him a lot. It may not seem like it, but it is.

  10. #10
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    Re: Just needed to tell my story so alone and helpless

    Glad you found some encouragement. Maybe he'll be telling the "worried newbies" stories: "hey lok at me... I'm still going" in 20 years

    Also great to hear you have a therapist you feel safe and comfortable with. Ask your therapist for any possible tricks for you to use if stressed out to, if not stay calm, to at least like a duck, seem calm on the surface when he has to take his nitro.

    Anothe trick I learned was when having chest pains (besides the obvious try and relax things) is to forcefully cough 3 times it has the effect of filling the lungs with oxygen even more than taking big deep breaths (also a good idea but slow deep full inhale and exhales) it's a good relaxation technique and also increases the blood oxygen level.

    I think i I had more angina out of fear of having "the big one" than from other things in the first years.

    I wish you vou two the best and that you guys find peace as you adjust in time.

    P.S. it's really heartwarming to read that you two are so close and still in love with each other after 20 years.

    Here's to the next 20

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