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  1. #151
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  2. #152
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    140 Funny Quotes to Lighten Your Mood and Reduce Stress

    “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” ~ Jack Handey

    “When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.” ~ Erma Bombeck

    “Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’” ~ Steven Wright

    “The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” ~ Albert Einstein

    “Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” ~ Francois de La Rochefoucauld

    “Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.” ~ E. B. White

    “People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.” ~ Betty White

    “Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” ~ Socrates

    “Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” ~ Cullen Hightower

    “A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.'” ~ Claude Pepper

    “My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.” ~ Dave Barry

    “Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” ~ Helen Rowland

    “Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.” ~ Doug Larson

    “I have noticed that even people who claim everything is pre*determined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.” ~ Stephen Hawking

    “I may be a living legend, but that sure don't help when I've got to change a flat tire.” ~ Roy Orbison

    “If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

    “Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.” ~ Sam Ewing

    “From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.” ~ Jarod Kintz

    “I have never been hurt by what I have not said.” ~ Calvin Coolidge

    “A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.” ~ Graham Norton

    “Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.” ~ Betty White

    “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.” ~ Bill Murray

    “Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld

    “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.” ~ Greg Tamblyn

    “It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.” ~ Carrie Underwood

    “The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.” ~ Tom Clancy

    “Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.” ~ Abraham Lincoln

    “The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.” ~ Demetri Martin

    “If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.” ~ Steven Wright

    “I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.” ~ Unknown

    “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” ~ Bill Watterson

    “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” ~ Groucho Marx

    “You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” ~ George Burns

    “I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.” ~ Mitch Hedberg

    “The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.” ~ Scott Adams

    “I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.” ~ Jerry Seinfeld

    “My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.” ~ Tina Fey

    “You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

    “I don’t want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.” ~ Samuel Goldwyn

    “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.” ~ George Carlin

    “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” ~ Homer Simpson

    “I’d like to have a kid, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend 10 years of my life constantly asking someone where his shoes are.” ~ Damien Fahey

    “My esteem in this country has gone up substantially. It is very nice now that when people wave at me, they use all their fingers.” ~ Jimmy Carter

    “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ~ Linda Grayson

    “It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.” ~ Navjot Singh Sidhu

    “Sometimes I’m so tired, I look down at what I’m wearing, and if it’s comfortable enough to sleep in, I don’t even make it into my pajamas. I’m looking down, and I’m like T-shirt and stretchy pants? Yup, that’s pajama-y. Good night.” ~ Rebecca Romijn

    “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” ~ Winston Churchill

    “Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.” ~ George Carlin

    “What turning forty means to me? I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn’t used to have to do that, but now I do.” ~ Tina Fey

    “I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.” ~ Rodney Dangerfield

    “The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“ ~ Mark Twain

    “Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin

  3. #153
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    "A failure is not a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying."

    ~ BF Skinner

  4. #154
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    “Ring the bells that still can ring
    Forget your perfect offering
    There is a crack in everything
    That's how the light gets in.”

    “How can I begin anything new with all of yesterday in me?”

    “Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act.”

    “I found that things became a lot easier when I no longer expected to win. You abandon your masterpiece and sink into the real masterpiece.”

    ― Leonard Cohen

  5. #155
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    "You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story and hustle for your worthiness."

    "Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up."

    ~ Brené Brown

  6. #156
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    Worry ducks when purpose flies overhead.

    ~ C. Astrid Weber

  7. #157
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    "If we take it just one day at a time, with a positive attitude, anything is possible."

    - Alex Trebek

  8. #158
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    "Give up trying to be good at stuff that makes you feel bad."

    ~ Danielle LaPorte

  9. #159
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    "Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live; it is asking others to live as one wishes to live." ~ Oscar Wilde

  10. #160
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    Re: Quotable Quotes 14

    "Uncertainty is a friend, for its bedfellow is opportunity."

    ~ Paul Saffo

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