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  1. #1
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    No reason to live

    Well I think I've hit rock bottom yet again. I feel I have no reason to live. Struggling with PTSD, major depression, anxiety and panic disorder, hubby's critical illness, and my latest horrible hit and run accident.

    So my neurosurgeon tells me that I have to have spinal fusion surgery, inserting pins and rods in my neck. I was released from hospital hours ago, as I got a blood clot in both my feet from all the swelling in my body, was told within 24 hours had I not gone to the hospital that I would have been dead. I would have been ok with that, as what reason do I have to even want to live.

    I can't work because of my accident, can't get benefits from my vehicle insurance because it was a hit and run. I am in so much ****ing pain that I want to scream. Hubby needs me 24/7, he's very frail.

    We are living off his health insurance which pays $ 1300 per month, our mortgage is $ 1400. Bill collectors call from 7 am to 11 pm. We will be losing our home and vehicle with a month or so.

    My husband has started to verbally abuse me, calling me a loser and a burden. Financially he's right, he says because of me being in the accident and not having money coming in, we are going to lose everything he has worked for. What can I say he's right.

    Honestly, the only reason I want to live is my four dogs who I love very much. But mainly, because I would miss seeing my therapist weekly sessions.

    I am having so many flashbacks and nightmares if the abuse. I can't eat, I can't sleep, my brain is totally dead, I can't concentrate, can't remember the littlest thing. I am literally brain dead. My brain kicks sending me messages to just kill myself, not sure where they are coming from, or why they are coming from.

    I have just had too much happen to me.

    Am seeing my therapist on Wednesday do I tell him how I am feeling?

    I am trying to stay positive and optimistic, but why should I?

  2. #2
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    Re: No reason to live

    Am seeing my therapist on Wednesday do I tell him how I am feeling?
    Yes. Absolutely. No question about it.

  3. #3
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    Re: No reason to live

    Ideally, your husband would be seeing a social worker (or other mental health professional), such as from the hospital.

  4. #4
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    Re: No reason to live

    My husband has started to verbally abuse me, calling me a loser and a burden. Financially he's right, he says because of me being in the accident and not having money coming in, we are going to lose everything he has worked for. What can I say he's right.
    Seems like you are both in hell and, in his case, he is blaming the only other person he sees all the time. It's an unfortunate side effect of caregiving sometimes.

  5. #5
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    Re: No reason to live

    We will be losing our home and vehicle with a month or so.
    Is selling your home ASAP an option?

  6. #6
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    Re: No reason to live

    Does your husband see himself as a loser and a burden (as with depression exacerbated by heart failure)? Or maybe he is consciously trying some abusive power play?

    What does he want you to do that you are not doing already?

    Is he blaming you for being hit by a drunk driver?

    Does he have any neurological deficits?

  7. #7
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    Re: No reason to live

    Selling our home is not an option, we owe more than it's worth, housing pricing has dropped dramatically.
    The hospital is not helping in any way, severely under staffed.
    My husband does blame himself for not providing for us. I am doing everything for him, and I mean everything, I am wearing myself ragged caring for him, yet trying to care for myself.
    Seems like he is blaming me for the accident, hell I was at the wrong place at the wrong time.
    I am going thru my own personal traumas.
    Thanks for posting.

  8. #8
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    Re: No reason to live

    To help you with expenses, maybe your therapist can help you find an agency that can help you. Here, Catholic Charities is a big agency that helps people locating resources.

    There is also the United Way: Help Starts Here - 211.ca

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