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  1. #1
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    My brother in law died...I am crushed

    My beloved William died on December 25 without any signs or symptoms. He had called me on Dec. 24 for lunch as we always met for coffee or lunch. I was busy doing errands and said no. He said come on sweetie have lunch with me so after him asking several times I met him. And I am so grateful that I did because 12 hours later he was in the ER fighting for his life. I won't go into details but he suffered three anyrysms and went paralyzed. I was told that his condition was guarded and if he lived the next 24 hours that he would most likely survive. So every hour that went by I prayed and prayed and was hopeful that he would live. Then we were all called to the hospital to say our farewells because he was being taken off life support. So I was hoping and praying for him to live hour by hour and it was the machines keeping him alive. I'm angry at the person who gave me the false hope. Its been 2 weeks since hes been gone and I can't seem to stop crying. I've known him for 30 years and I called him my brother..I loved him as my brother. Now my brain is playing tricks on me because during the day or when I wake up its like nothing is wrong and I have to ask myself is he really gone. The pain and hurt that I am going through is God awful. We were so incredibly close and the thought of never seeing him or being with him just breaks my heart. For the past week I've been self medicating myself with alcohol and oxycontin to try and numb my pain. I know that I should tell my therapist this but I'm scared to. I can't think or talk about William without crying. I'm completely and totally heartbroken. His brothers and sisters are taking things better than I am. Sure they miss him and have cried for him, but they said they got closure from the funeral service and now they're fine. Then I'm crying my eyes out most of the day. Not sure why its affecting me so bad, I loved him like the rest of his family.
    What angers me is the suddenness of it. No sign no symptom no nothing. Here today and boom gone tomorrow. That's what's hurting the most. I think it's better to not love and care for anyone because in the end you just up and die.

  2. #2
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    Re: My brother in law died...I am crushed

    I am sincerely sorry to hear about your loss, @Hunter.

    There is no easy way to grieve a loss like this. It does get easier, slowly, with time but the loss will always be there and will always affect you. Even anniversary dates may continue to be hard years later. It's like there's a body memory or something. I have suddenly felt down and sad or depressed on several occasions and not known why until someone reminds me or I look at the date and realize it's the anniversary date of one of the losses in my own life.

    What angers me is the suddenness of it. No sign no symptom no nothing. Here today and boom gone tomorrow. That's what's hurting the most. I think it's better to not love and care for anyone because in the end you just up and die.
    The two worst losses in my life, my mother and my daughter, were both like that and I can certainly identify with the sentiment of wishing you could avoid any attachment to people to save yourself the hurt when they are gone (it's the same with loved pets actually), but of course that's no way to live, even if it were possible.

    As always, take this one day at a time (or one hour at a time if you need to) and express what you're feeling as often as you are able to, here or with people in your "real life". There is no way through grief except to process it and talking does help to process it in time.

  3. #3
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    Re: My brother in law died...I am crushed

    Sorry for your loss, Hunter. Like David says, take it easy on yourself.

    The Traumatic Loss of a Loved One Is Like Experiencing a Brain Injury

    ...As with any injury, an emotionally traumatized mind requires a period of recovery and rehabilitation. We don't return to our usual activities immediately after heart surgery, yet somehow we expect to bounce back after the mind scramble of losing a loved one. "With grief, the mediator between the right and left hemispheres of the brain - the thinking and feeling parts - is impaired," explains Marlo. "The task is to integrate both, so you're not drowning in the feelings without thought as a mediator or silencing feelings in favor of rational thinking."

    Research suggests that you can encourage the integration of the right and left hemispheres with activities from medication to psychotherapy to massage...

  4. #4
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    Re: My brother in law died...I am crushed

    I know everyone grieves differently, but how long approximately until the pain and hurt lesson. I can't eat or sleep. I've lost 21 pounds. All I do is cry. We were really close and I loved him so much. What is hard for me to understand is that his 2 sisters are feeling ok with his death and have said they've only cried a few times. My mind and heart is assessed with his death. He's all that I can think of. And my brain is playing tricks on me where I don't think he's dead then I have to look at his obituary to tell my brain that yes he's actually gone. Trying to fall asleep is the hardest. Any comforting words are greatly appreciated. Thank you.

  5. #5
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    My brother in law died...I am crushed

    First, there is no timetable for grieving. There is only your pace. It will take as long as it takes.

    Second, all the things you are experiencing are "normal" for grief.

    You will survive this. None of it will be easy but you will survive it. Believe it or not, one day you will be able to remember good times with him without crying and gasping for breath. One day you will even be able to laugh again at funny things he said and did.

    One step at a time, Hunter. That's all you can do.

  6. #6
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    Re: My brother in law died...I am crushed

    I'm sorry for your loss Hunter.
    Try not to compare yourself with his sisters - they'll have their own responses and you'll have yours and all are ok/normal even though it's difficult.

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