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  1. #1

    Absentee father....

    Although I had a "father" in the house, it felt more like I just lived in the same house as he did. Apparently I didnt get what a little girl needs from her father, and it has played havoc with my relationships with men, and I am still trying to deal with it.

    My father died in 2001 and I didnt feel much, nor did I cry. It felt the same as if a neighbor died or something..

    Can anyone relate to this?

  2. #2

    Re: Absentee father....

    I am unable to relate to this. Not because i get on fantastically with my parent, (that is farthest from the truth) but because of the lack of emotion, (we had all of the negetive ones, lol)
    But I was wondering, in what way do you percieve your relationship with him as different to how you feel it 'should' be?

  3. #3

    Re: Absentee father....

    Hi Phoenix... I am not sure of what you are asking , but I will reply as to what I think you are!

    I was never close to my father and actually is was a non issue with me until my therapist got into it with me. He said I didnt get what I should have gotten from a father, so therefore I am always looking for a father figure which has gotten me in trouble. I dont know how I should "feel" but I am puzzled when I hear women say they are a "daddy's girl" and still call him "daddy" even though they are grown! I thought it was weird actually.

    I never really had a relationship with my father. I viewed him as my mothers husband who went to work and paid the bills... Where I got that idea... I have no idea!
    Did that answer your question? Hope its not too confusing.

  4. #4

    Re: Absentee father....

    Although I had a "father" in the house, it felt more like I just lived in the same house as he did.
    i can relate to that.. when he died I didn't feel anyting at all (only went to the funeral cause i was supposed to, obliged to if you like)

  5. #5

    Re: Absentee father....

    Quote Originally Posted by sunset
    Did that answer your question? Hope its not too confusing.
    Lol, yeah, I guess so. Do you think that when you were younger you wondered why you wern't getting his attention? Do you think that you have noticed differences when viewing relationships between your g/f's and their fathers? Have you ever cryed (or experianced a strong emotion that you couldn't explain) during therapy when speaking about your father, or something related to him?

  6. #6

    Re: Absentee father....

    I never wondered about getting his attention, nor did I seek it, or even thought it was a "problem". I had my sisters to play with and my mother was nurturing, so I was fine... Or so I thought.
    I have noticed differences when my friends talked about their fathers, and I never felt the same way. In the back of my mind, I wondered if something was missing, but at the time, could not understand it. I always wanted a father... just not the one I had. Which has the pattern in my life, attaching myself to other men for a father figure, and then when they are gone from my life, I am devastated.

    Never had any emotion about my father, except for hate a few times, when he went after my twin sister. I wanted to kill him.. I guess thats a strong emotion.

    However, I have felt nothing for him at my earliest memory (around age 5) and the above happened in my early teens...

  7. #7

    Re: Absentee father....

    You mentioned hating him in your teens, have you hated him since then? or has it just been no emotion?

  8. #8

    Re: Absentee father....

    No emotion really. I felt bad when he got sick and died, but thats about it. I felt more for my mother because she was so close to him.

  9. #9

    Re: Absentee father....

    Well, sorry for asking so many questions, just wanted to get to know more of the story. I think that the reason that your t has mentioned your relationship with your father is probably because he/she has noticed some tension/*unusual* (I hate usuing that word, I don't mean strange) vacantness. Its worth while talking to him/her more so that you understand what exactly he/she meant by this.
    However, I don't think that there is a 'normal' father/daughter relationship. I always hesitate to classify things as normal anyway, because its all relative. If you felt no emotion when your dad died, then you shouldn't worry about it, shouldn't feel guilty, because its a result of the relationship that the two of you had.
    But, I'm not saying that your t doesn't know what he is talking about !!! because he may feel that you have repressed emotions towards him.
    I guess the thing to do, would be to delve a little deeper into it with your t.
    I hope this is what you were originally after??

  10. #10

    Re: Absentee father....

    I dont mind the questions at all Phoenix..
    I am not sure what I am "after", but I guess I wanted to know I wasnt the only one who has felt this way.
    It seems I lacked a fathers influence, at least enough to damage me even now, and I have no idea how it happened. It is frustrating to say the least. I keep asking my therapist why it affected me when It was not an issue growing up.. He said although I had my physical needs met as a child, I didnt get the nurturing and attention from my father, and he feels I push my feelings down, which is why it still is a problem for me.
    I still dont really understand the workings of a small child and what I must have thought, but I cant remember anything.... Like you said, I need to delve a big deeper and I think we are at that point in my therapy. It was a good session last night, and after the Dr described me, I felt like a mask was being taken off my face. I was relieved to hear him descibe me exactly and yet scary that I feel somewhat exposed....
    Hope that made sense....

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