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  1. #1

    Emotional distress

    durr, what a non-descript title.

    Today, my nana died, I called my boyfriend and asked him to come home for a few minutes so we could talk. He kept saying he would, and finally, when he didn't, i called him asking when he'd be here. He said he was entertaining, and wouldn't be coming. Needless to say, I broke.

    I went to the pub where he was hanging out, and there he was with this girl, who happened to be all over him. I introduce myself, apologise for interrupting, and ask if maybe I could talk to him alone. I explain the situation to him, and how I was afraid to be alone for fear of hurting myself. I have past issues with drug abuse/self injury, and I've been free of both for nearly two years now. I didn't want to slip back into old habits. He said I could stay, and I proceeded to drink (I know, stupid) while listening to him and htis girl have an animated conversation while I'm being ignored. Eventually, I'm on my fourth vodka and sprite and still disturbingly sober, when his friend Derek showed up. Derek is...confusion. Sometimes I absolutely despise him, but most of the time he seems like a pretty nice guy. Right off the bat, Derek and I start talking (we have a lot more in common than i do with my boyfriend, but for age reasons (he's 13 years older than meand the fact that there's zero attraction to him on my part, we're just acquaintances). The bar is loud, so you have to lean in to talk to people, so derek and I were having a conversation with my head practically on his shoulder. No big deal, just a little awkward because I have a huge personal space radius.

    Derek and my boyfriend (mikey) leave the table briefly so I get to speak to the girl, who tells me she met my boyfriend online and he had skipped work to go meet her that day. My jaw nearly hit the ground, she told me how surprised she was that he had a girlfriend, I was like 'nah, don't worry about it'. I mean, why drag this innocent girl into the quickly brewing crap with my boyfriend?

    It gets better, after refusing my requests for a hug, he invites this girl to stay with us for the night. He's now in bed after a discussion where he threatened to break up with me, while I'm hiding out upstairs and she's sleeping on the bed.

    Is it wrong of me to have asked him to just have her stay elsewhere? and maybe warn me next time he runs off to meet random people off the internet?

    I'm annoyed because my grandmother's dead, and now I don't have the freedom to express myself, because my comfortable space is being invaded. A secondary annoyance is the fact that after dating for two years, and dumping all my friends for him (now that was a stupid idea), he still hasn't let me into his private life.

    I've tried discussing this with him in an objective and logical way, but he just gets angry. Sometimes I feel as if he uses the threat of breaking up as a weapon or tool of control. While he certainly has very manipulative qualities, I'm not 100% sure he's all that bad. I've been in abusive relationships in the past, and I swore I'd never let myself do it again, and I'm afraid I may have let this one slip by. I'm also equally disturbed that Derek seemed to pick up on and care about the emotion a lot more than mikey. It's a bit strange, because I don't know derek all that well for starters, and he usually comes across as very cold and logical, as opposed to warm and comforting.

    Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this conflict without risking the relationship?

  2. #2

    Re: emotional distress

    hi Pip... i'm sorry to hear about your loss...and to hear that your boyfriend is less than supportive right now. i won't comment further except to say i'm glad you wrote on here because others here i'm sure will have options\ideas and definately support for you right now.

    thinking of you. *s*

  3. #3

    Re: Emotional distress

    Pip, as I was reading your post, to be blunt what popped into my mind was "what a selfish, narcisistic, manipulative, insensitive clod he is!".

    My advice is to dump him with the speed of light. Not only was he not there for you to support you when your grandmother died but on top of that he brought home his new online girlfriend? That's beyond insensitive. That is an unmitigated jerk with zero redeeming features!

    You can do better. A LOT better! (In fact, it's hard to envision how you could do worse.)

  4. #4

    Re: Emotional distress

    Very sorry to here about your lost.

    In regards to the bf, oh my god, I have to agree with David a 100%. You can do much better it all up to you!

    Your not alone we are all here.

    Life is what you make out of it!

  5. #5

    Re: Emotional distress

    Does anyone have any advice on how to approach this conflict without risking the relationship
    i wasn't going to comment at all.. because of this sentence.

    but i'm thinking since earlier and what i came up with is this.
    it takes two ppl to make a relationship work... but there is only one in your relationship.. YOU!! it doesn't work like that...

    you need time away from him at the min.. just to see what has been happening.. to look back on things... like your post... and to grieve for you gran...

    maybe it worth thinking about.... a little time away from him??? as a start maybe...

  6. #6

    Re: Emotional distress

    thank you so much.

    I know I need to break up with him. WHile he's a nice guy most of the time, there are just too many little things about him.

    I made him an orange book when he was in south africa with his parents over christmas where I told him how much I loved him, and I continued to add to it frequently.

    At this point my life is pretty much locked into him and his, so I'm somewhat afraid of breaking up. It might cost me not only financial stability, but an education, should I have to quit school to work fulltime instead of just parttime. While he does make me hate myself, it's a small price to pay for someone to talk too and help me out.

  7. #7

    Re: Emotional distress

    I'm very sorry about your loss ((Hugs))

    I agree with David as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by notsureanymore

    it takes two ppl to make a relationship work... but there is only one in your relationship.. YOU!! it doesn't work like that...
    Very true

    wishing you the best

  8. #8

    Re: Emotional distress

    While he does make me hate myself, it's a small price to pay for someone to talk too and help me out.
    That's not a small price, that's a HUGE price to pay. If you stay you'll eventually completely lose who you are.

    I'm really sorry about your grandmother too.

  9. #9

    Re: Emotional distress

    wow. I am really sorry about your grandmother. and I am really sorry that this guy is your boyfriend. not only is it very insensitive of him not to leave the bar and take you home, after you explained the circumstance to him and told him you were afraid of relapsing, but he expected you to sit down so that he could keep on having a good time, while you were suffering? and then to suggest that this girl he met on the internet come home w/ you guys? for what? I am amazed that you made it through all of that with only a fight at the end, where he manged to make you doubt your actions and not his. hun, you did nothing wrong. and as difficult as it may be financially and even emotionally b/c on some level obviously there is an emotional attachment and you said your support system has suffered, but you are paying way too big a price to continue to be in this relationship. It sounds like it's more conveniant than anything, but even if you have to take some time out from school, your education won't run away where as your happiness can fade away after continuously having to put up w/ his insensitivity. would you want a friend to react in this way? no. so why would it be okay for a boyfriend, right? maybe you can talk to your school and explain the situation, they often have some sort of emergency financial aid, if not they can maybe lead you in the right direction to get some help. what about your family? are they in the picture at all to lend you some $? it's also kind of intersting that you said you know nothing about his personal life after having been w/ him for 2 years where as he knows about yours. again, where is the balance? the trust? you should not have to hate yourself, you should love yourself b/c you like being w/ him and he makes you feel good, not hate yourself b/c he makes you feel like his servant but helps you out a bit financially and has some good qualities. personally, I think most people have some good qualities, but his bad ones clearly outweigh the good ones. you can easily find someone w/ those few good ones again, and even better ones, and not the bad ones. you really do deserve so much better than this!

    also, anyone who uses the threat of breaking up in response to wanting to discuss the relationship is really not being fair at all, and just being manipulative. why does he do it? b/c he knows his line works.

  10. #10

    Re: Emotional distress

    I agree with all of the above...

    he is using emotional blackmail to keep you for his needs...
    i know that doesn't sound very nice..
    and i'm sorry if it upsets you.. but i think you know this already.

    You are worth more than 1000 guys like him ok..

    be brave and make the right move... FOR YOU.

    thinking of you..

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