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  1. #1

    Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    I didnít want to post again, I felt I had made a fool of myself enough previously, but I feel like Iíve dug myself a hole so deep I canít get out of it, so I just die, in that hole, because I couldn't find a way out.

    I tried reading things, in the last three hours Iíve tried reading about suicide, Iíve tried to forget about it, I tried to sleep, I tried to eat, I slightly mentioned my thoughts to a friend who promptly urged me not to do anything stupid and told me to call her tomorrow (Itís 3am here), and I tried laying down with my dog - Normally that stuff works and snaps me out of it in a heartbeat. I was thinking about just going and sitting on the bridge tomorrow morning if itís nice and just trying to sort everything out, but I doubt it will work. Iíve cried more in the past few days than I have in years before, I canít even stop it, I just randomly start crying which makes me feel even worse.

    This year, 2006, has just tormented me. Every month starting in January something bad has happened, Iíd tell myself, ďWell, it canít get any worse.Ē And then the next month something worse would happen, up Ďtil now, April, where in just the past week at least three things have come up, along with many more things from this month alone, alongside events from months previous. Iíve got ten strikes, with many elements, against me and have formally dealt with only one and just that one took me two months. Itís like the worldís out to get me and is trying to take my good friend down with me (Of those 10 strikes, she was involved in 5). I canít deal with it. Iím tired of it. I donĎt need this, I just want away from it all, I donĎt think itĎs going to get anything but worse. The only friend I have contact with outside of school, besides the one that chose to completely betray and insult me today, is moving soon and I canít talk to her about most of this because she was there, sheís dealing with it too.

    My parents arenít sure whether I SI or not despite the counselor telling them I did, so when they noticed fairly new injuries they threatened to ground me the next time I got hurt and then completely banning me from walking the dogs out to the area I take them off-leash to. Then my mom got mad at me for eating dinner on Tuesday so in rebellion I told her Iím not going to eat for a week/the rest of the week, she says sheís going to ground me and not allow me to walk the dogs ever again if I go through with it all the way. Weíve been bickering constantly and I canít get far enough away from her, and my dad hasnít even gone to Iraq yet. Here I am thinking about killing myself when the real test hasnít even began. Last time she snapped my brother, this time sheís after me. I donít need to be more grounded, which Iím positive that if she knew of this I would be.

    I canít even imagine life getting any worse for me right now, but it will, it always does. But what can I do now? I feel like Iím good as gone and nothingíll snap me out of it. Obviously I have some doubts, or I wouldĎve done it already since thereĎs at least six different things I could use in my room alone - IĎve been thinking about it and seriously considering it for days. I talked to someone else and ran them ragged with one of the strikes (Literally!) and was fine for a day but then the feelings just returned. I thought of calling a hotline thing, but I canít from the house phone, itíd show up on the bill for the cell phone, and, if it were even light out, thereís no payphones out here. Iíd talk to the counselor I like, but just the thought of her contacting my parents and them yelling at me later steers me away from that. I havenít even looked at her since the last time I talked to her on the fifth. And even if I did plan to talk to her we don't go back to school until Tuesday. It seems that it just gets worse with every passing day, I can't name a single good thing that happened this year.

    Iím sorry if Iím beiní a pest, but any suggestions? Iím extremely close, but not quite ready to give up just yet. I don't know how much more I can take before my mind is completely made up.

  2. #2

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Sorry things are going so rough for you.

    What about emailing someone?

    There's a site, http://www.samaritans.org.uk/ that you can go to and email someone here: http://www.samaritans.org.uk/talk/email.shtm . They will email you back and it's all confidential.

    Hopefully someone will come along with better advice.

  3. #3

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Can you fill us in a bit on some of the things that are happening, hon? Perhaps, if we have a little background on the kinds of things that are going on that are bringing you down, we can better help you deal with those things. Also, sometimes talking about what's actually happening and the problems we're facing helps us to deal with them better. When lots of things are going on at once, they tend to pile up and seem like one big, insurmountable problem. Dealing with them individually can make them seem less intimidating.

  4. #4

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    That Lady is so right. Try do deal with each one seperatly. Then it doesn't seem like there is such a mountain out there.

    I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down right now.

    You mentioned your Dad going to Iraq, is he in the service? My son was over there twice, once for the intial war and the second time he was in the suni triangle. He even volunteered a third time, but they would not let him go again.

    I know as a mom that was hard to deal with, being a child of a parent, that has to be really really difficutl for you.

    Try to post some of your things you are going through, unless it would be too stressful for you, but I think it will help those with the training to be able to help you better.

  5. #5

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Thanks for the link, I may try emailing someone.

    I can give you some of the things going on.

    In February there was the thing with my friend, a neighbor, also the mother of another friend, called the police on my friendís step-dad after he repeatedly hit her little brother and sister leaving bruises. I was there before and for a while after the police showed up, nothing happened and my friend ended up in a lot of trouble. I felt responsible. This is the only situation Iíve handled by talking to the counselor and it doesnít affect me anymore.
    In March I ran into a shady group of people while with a friend and four little kids she was babysitting. We got in a confrontation; the shady group of people hit one of the kids in the head with a rock, caused the youngest to fall from a 7ft drop, and threatened all our lives. My friend called the police and left me to deal with it. I found out that the friend I was with cuts herself, which is really the only part that affected me; especially since it was the day after the counselor Iíd called my parents for pretty much the same thing.

    And then this month I found out that a once very good friend that moved has become anorexic and has been drinking. I feel at least somewhat responsible for the eating disorder - Since sheíd always get mad at me because that was the way I ate Iíd jokingly encourage her to eat that way while she lived in the state. She took my horrible advice. I talked with a good friend about it while doing our run in Gym class, and, I didn't realize it at the time, but I ran her to the point she almost passed out just trying to keep up because I was upset and wasn't getting tired at a full sprint. The other day my good friend and I were scolded by strangers and were threatened that two different people were going to call the police but called that person instead and he came out with a lady with a pipe saying that we had pointed the gun at the people while in reality we had our back to the street and houses and were shooting cans and bottles off a fence. He said we could get charged with the destruction of the fence post and street lights even though we had nothing to do with it, then told us to get out of there before someone did call the police. The gunĎs sitting here on my desk. I found out that my good friend started cutting herself again and, unknown to me, was being forced to see a psychiatrist by her step-dad but hadnít been going. I wasnít there for her when I should have been, so she resorted back to that - My fault, again. And yesterday there was an altercation between the friend whose mother called the police in February and neighbors down the street. My friend and I got stuck in the middle of it because we were there, but didnít say anything to cause anger towards us. And yesterday a person Iíve gotten along with for four years turned and insulted me terribly.

    Thatís not all of whatís going on, but just a general idea. And thatís all alongside the problems with my parents and my own SI problems.

    My dadís a Polygrapher on Fort Carson, itíll be his second time being sent over to Iraq. My dad going to Iraq never affected me except the one time I watched the Nick Berg video, I could vividly imagine him in that chair instead, my momĎs the one causing problems. The first time he went my mom drove both me and my brother crazy, and at some points during that time I wouldíve considered myself suicidal and my good friends and pets would be there to bring me back to earth, but my brother didnít have that, twice during that year the police were called for physical fights between my mom and brother, and he was suspended from school for months straight, causing him to have to go to summer school to graduate in his class. He was her main target then, I just got what was left over, but now that he moved out Iíll be her main target and I know I can NOT take that with everything else going on. I doubt I could take that if everything else was going well. I can predict whatĎs going to happen, and just knowing whatís in store for me, I want to give up now, things wonít get better, theyíll only continue to get worse. I have nothing to look forward to, the bad will always far outweigh the good. Whatís the point?

  6. #6

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Hey Cheyenne,

    I am also sorry that you are feeling so down and the only thing that I can say is that I hope you get the help you need and you deserve because you are worth it. You are not being a pest and if there is anything that I can do for you...please just let me know. I too have been in your situtation before with not knowing if I could take the pressure and feeling so down and wanting to give up and until I could get to see my therapist, I came on this forum and it really helped get me through the hard times.

    I don't know if this is helpful but just try to hang on and remember that I do care.

    Take Care
    Nancy

  7. #7

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    the only thing that I can say is that I hope you get the help you need and you deserve because you are worth it.
    I totally agree with Nancy here.

    I say work at each thing one step at a time. Life is a journey of a thousand steps that we take each step at a time.

    and everyone who lives on this earth is worth the life that the good lord gives to them.

    Each one of us has something special and unique to offer to the world and to the people around us.

    It sounds like your mom has such difficutly handling your dad's leaving. And it is hard to deal with.

    When my son left here to go to war in Iraq, the first few days I could not do anything. I kept the pillow that he slept on, and would smell it so tht I could breath in his essence.

    And since he was security around the big wigs over there, I could not kow where he was at all, that was soo hard to handle. I would dread every car that came down the road.

    I also used to have dreams after the first beheading that it would happen to my son. It was so horrible. Once when he was home, he knew the links to them and showed them to my husband. I asked them to lower the volume as I did not wish to hear it. Nor did I wish to see it. I don't think that should have been online at all.

    I'm also sorry to hear that your mom takes her problems out on you. That isn't fair. It would be nice if you could talk to her about it.

    Just remember that everyone is here for you, and even though it is natural to think that you are to blame for others choices in life that are around you. It isn't your fault. We have choices to make in life and we make the decisions, not the people around us.

    Just stand tall, be proud of who you are, and work on yourself. Sure it isn't easy, but in the end, it is so worth it.

  8. #8

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Right on, momof5. There's no way that we should hold ourselves responsible for the life decisions of others. Each of us must take responsibility for our own decisions.

    Sounds like you're going through a really rough patch, Cheyenne. I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. One thing that might help is to divide all these things that have happened into sets of things you can do something about and things you can't. Get to work on those you can improve and put the others behind you. Those that should be put behind you need to include those where others made decisions that weren't, perhaps, the best decisions they could have made. Those decisions were theirs, not yours, and are not your responsibility.

    I'm really sorry about your mom, as well, hon. I'm sure your father's leaving is having an effect on both of you. As momof5 said, it's a shame you two can't sit down and talk this out. You could be of great support for one another during this hard time.

  9. #9

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Thanks, all of you. I really appreciate it.
    I did email the Samaritans thing, Iím not sure if itíll do any good, but itís worth a shot I guess.

    How would I be able to tell which situations I can improve on and which I canít?

    The thing is, Iíve never really learned how to get over things or just put them behind me. I can recognize things are not involving me but still be extremely affected by them. The thing in February was not my fault, not my problem, I wasnít involved in the slightest besides actually being there when the police were, but I couldnít get over that or drop it until I talked to the counselor I like about it. Thatís the only thing that worked. But since she called my parents Iím terrified of her, I avoid parts of the school she might be at and when I do come across her I look at the floor and try to get away. I canít talk to many people about anything at all, let alone my problems, but of those I can, nothing they would say made the same difference the counselor did. And I havenít been able to find a different way to get over or put things behind me. I donít deal with them and if the feelings they cause do go away itís only temporary.

    Today I treated myself to walking both dogs off-leash (Usually only done on Wednesdays) because I like to and I was hoping that itíd at least reduce the feelings so I could take a step back and try to work it out. But nooo, it only made it worse. My dog split her foot open and was bleeding everywhere and once we got back, of course, my mom was quick to yell at me and make me feel more guilty about it than I already did. Here was my dog, my reason for living, my reason to keep going, and I caused her extreme pain and discomfort. Thereís no way of flipping it that can make it seem any less of my fault. Just looking at her brings me back to tears.

    I realize that my dad going to Iraq isnít easy for my mom, but it seems like sheís always the same, just when my dad is there he keeps her calm, and when heís not there, for a few days or for a year, sheís just a pain. Heís not even leaving Ďtil later in the year, he just has training now. Provided that I do get through this, which I have doubts about, Iíll still be stuck with her from now until my dad gets back from Iraq - Not until late 2007. So Iíd just be holding on to go through more suffering.
    Neither of my parents know about half the stuff Iím going through, theyíd just get mad, ground me, or tell me to stay away from certain people, my friends.

    I want to believe it will get better, honestly I do, but recent events have made it impossible for me to be able to believe that. I want to give up now, I donĎt know why I havenĎt been able to yet, I just need to get it over with.

  10. #10

    Re: Difficult to Overcome This... *May Trigger*

    Today I treated myself to walking both dogs off-leash (Usually only done on Wednesdays) because I like to and I was hoping that itíd at least reduce the feelings so I could take a step back and try to work it out. But nooo, it only made it worse. My dog split her foot open and was bleeding everywhere and once we got back, of course, my mom was quick to yell at me and make me feel more guilty about it than I already did. Here was my dog, my reason for living, my reason to keep going, and I caused her extreme pain and discomfort. Thereís no way of flipping it that can make it seem any less of my fault.
    Cheyenne, I live with a dog and three cats. Animals do things like this. Then we look after them until the cut or whatever it is has healed. That's part of having a pet. It's not your "fault" that your dog cut his foot... it would only be your "fault" if you negelected your dog afterward, and ignored the injury and did nothing to clean it and do whatever else it needed to recover from the cut.

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