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  1. #1
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    What should I do?

    A couple of months ago my husband and a few friends went out of state to visit a friend. On one night, they all got very drunk, and my husband and one of the friends ended up in a very seedy strip club while the other friends went to eat something. My husband said he was approached by one of the girls in the club, but after he told her he didn't have any money, he was left alone. In the meantime, the other friend disappeared, and when the other friends returned from eating, they were denied access to where the missing friend was. The next thing my husband knew, police showed up because the other friends became very concerned about the missing friend (apparently the guy they were all visiting didn't want them to go in there to begin with). After the police informed them that they couldn't do anything, my husband went looking for the friend and found him behind a curtain with a woman in lingerie sitting on his lap, apparently receiving a lap dance. My husband apologized for interrupting and waited outside that area for about a minute, at which time his friend emerged. The next morning the friend who disappeared received a phone call because his credit card company was concerned about a charge for several hundred dollars placed on his card the night before by the strip club. When my husband returned home, I could tell he was not being very honest about what went on that night (he had given me some details), and after I confronted him, he told me about what his friend did and the charge on the card. The friend had asked all the guys to never tell anyone, and that he would find a way to hide what happened from his wife. My husband believes that the place just took advantage of a very drunk man and charged up his card, but even by his account, the friend was gone for a long time. I promised my husband that I wouldn't say anything to the friend's wife, but I feel very uncomfortable with the position we are in. We have known this couple for more than fifteen years. Given the charge on the card, I think it is likely the wife will discover something, and then be upset at us as well since my husband was one of the "idiots" that behaved badly that night. Her husband was also the one bent on visiting such a place prior to the guys all becoming drunk. What is my responsibility here? I strongly believe that friend owes his wife the truth, but I don't feel comfortable involving myself in their marriage (which has been rocky at times). Any thoughts? I feel really bad for her, and I am upset with him for trying to create secrecy between my husband and myself.

  2. #2
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    Re: What should I do?

    In my opinion, it's not your place to intercede between the husband and wife on this issue. You're right. The charge on the credit card may well give him away. If it does, it's between the two of them. It shouldn't involve anyone else.

    I can understand you being upset with this man for the situation he created, but...let's face it...your husband was there of his own accord and any secrecy between the two of you was your husband's responsibility, not someone else's. He did come clean about what happened, so deal with it and put it behind you.

    Each of these men is an adult. Each made decisions for himself. Nobody was twisting anybody's arm, and nobody was the cause of anybody's problems except the individual himself. If the other man's wife is upset at you because her husband made a jackass of himself, that's her mistake.

  3. #3
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    Re: What should I do?

    I agree with what you said. I told my husband when he tried to excuse his friend's behavior by saying that he was "dragged off", that his friend was an adult and responsible for his behavior, drunk or otherwise. I guess I'm afraid of the actual confrontation that I sense coming from the wife. We have discussed a little bit of what the guys did, and she's the one that acts as if all the other wives are all over-reacting, and that the guys going to strip clubs, buying other women drinks, etc. was acceptable. I can't help but think it is just an act, and that maybe she just doesn't know how to deal with her own situation, or maybe she just feels so little for herself that she is willing to accept her husband's behavior (though I'm certain she doesn't know the full extent yet). I think that if she has to face it, it may get ugly. If she asks me if I knew, I won't lie, but how do I explain to what will probably be a very emotionally wrought person that it wasn't my place to tell her, even though we are friends. And on top of this, my husband seems to be acting uncomfortable with getting together with this couple now, I think maybe because he feels so guilty for his part in it, and doesn't want to have to face the wife. As a side note, my husband has now become a bit on the jealous side. When I went out with a girlfriend recently, he acted as if he was o.k. with it at first, but then called me repeatedly, and acted mad for a few days. He has made comments that he was worried about other guys while we were out. Another friend of mine said she thinks he is super imposing his bad behavior on my situation, and feels guilty, causing him to be insecure. He's never done this before, and we've been married for fifteen years. I know he feels stupid for his behavior(he doesn't normally go out and get drunk and rowdy like they did that night), but I feel like I'm being punished by his guilty conscience. I just hope to get things back in balance soon, I guess I'm still irritated at my husband's initial dishonesty.

  4. #4
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    Re: What should I do?

    I agree with ThatLady. The other point that I'd add is that even if you were to go and tell the wife what happened, you might well find that she wouldn't appreciate you doing that - indeed, you might find that both she and her husband are now furious with you. It's their marriage. Let them handle it.

    I know he feels stupid for his behavior(he doesn't normally go out and get drunk and rowdy like they did that night), but I feel like I'm being punished by his guilty conscience. I just hope to get things back in balance soon
    I would suggest you put it to your husband in exactly that way - and point out that you haven't "misbehaved" in 15 years so why should he think you would suddenly start now?

  5. #5
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    Re: What should I do?

    Different people have different reactions to situations. Some spouses don't seem to mind if their significant other goes to strip clubs (male or female variety) and participates in the goings-on. Other spouses are mortified by such behavior. It's something that needs to be settled between the couples, since we aren't clones of one another. We have a right to think differently about such things. The important thing is that each member of a couple understand and accept the boundaries of THEIR relationship.

    It sounds like both the wife of the "misbehaving male" and your husband are trying to transfer their own feelings of angst (and/or guilt) to other people. As one of those other people, you don't have to accept that burden. If the wife comes to you ranting and raving about why you didn't tell her, you can quietly explain that her relationship is HERS, not yours, and that you would have been interfering in something not your responsibility. She needs to deal with what happened in the way that's right for her. As for your husband, you need to sit down and have a good long talk about what happened, who was responsible, who did something of which he's ashamed, and who must bear the blame/shame for that behavior. You do not deserve to be placed under scrutiny for something HE did, and I'd make this quite clear to him.

  6. #6
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    Re: What should I do?

    I just wanted to make it clear that I had no intention of going to the wife, my fear is when and if she confronts me. I'm not sure how to win in the situation that her husband and my husband created. I guess I'll wing it if it happens. I'm not very good with messy situations, I tend to be a very up front person and typically avoid "skeleton in the closet" situations. I agree that each of the husbands are responsible for their own actions, my husband keeps saying that his friend was "dragged" away by a girl, and that he hadn't eaten all day and accidentally got drunk (and the rest is history). Excuses, excuses....Mostly I find myself disappointed in my husband giving in to peer pressure and doing something he was not comfortable with, and then being dishonest with me (even if he was trying to protect a freind). Perhaps if the wife comes to me, I will tell her it is best she speak with my husband, as he was there. Sort of killing two birds with one stone?

  7. #7
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    Re: What should I do?

    "Accidentally getting drunk" was long ago rejected as a defense for criminal acts like impaired driving and assault. I don't think it stands up any better as an excuse for infidelity.

  8. #8
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    Re: What should I do?

    I like the "dragged off by a girl" part! That must have been some girl! Amazon, perhaps?

    In all seriousness, if the woman comes to you to discuss her husband's behavior (or your husband's, for that matter), I'd just tell her that since I wasn't there, I really have no knowledge of what occurred and would not be comfortable speaking of an issue I know nothing about. If she chooses to take it to your husband to discuss, that's her problem...and his.

  9. #9
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    Re: What should I do?

    I agree with ThatLady and Dr. B. It is not your responsibility to worry or arrange another person's mistake. We are all adults and should be held accountable for our own actions. Don't feel bad. You had nothing to do with what happened, and frankly I think that involving yourself in the situation would be a mistake and a burden.

  10. #10
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    Re: What should I do?

    I understand what you're saying about the accidentally getting drunk defense, but I don't know if my husband's friend is making the same claim as my husband (as it appears it is his possible infedelity that appears to be in question). I think my husband is making that claim because typically he is the one that stays sober while everyone else makes fools of themselves (he comes from a family with alcoholics, and has always seemed a little uncomfortable with drinking and the behavior associated with it, at least where he was concerned). I think just getting drunk and not being in control of himself made him a little afraid and ashamed. But again, even on his part it's just an excuse. I don't have a problem with "letting loose" a little, as I do it my self on occasion, but since he seems to have a problem with doing it himself, I'd appreciate it if he'd either avoid it all together, or relax just a little (maybe trust himself more), as he appears to be making it something of a burden for me as well (the situation with me going out with the friend). As far as I can tell, my husband didn't actually do anything that night that I'd have a problem with. The problem I have with him is his dishonesty and strange behavior upon returning. If anything, the only thing that I can think of that I disapprove of as far as that night goes, is that I think he followed the crowd a little too much, rather than doing what he was comfortable with. Sort of a "grow a set" (if you know what I mean) situation. That behavior does make me uncomfortable, especially in a grown man. P.S. Maybe she was an amazon, my husband did say the strippers weren't very attractive....

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