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Thread: Punishment

  1. #1
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    Punishment

    hello, well i never really spoke about this aspect of my abuse but i was really confused .. during my abuse i was burned and well as a self mutilator i find myself repeating the same gestures at the same spots as my abuser burned and the impact brings my calm at the same time i feel that i am continuing the punishment i deserved then but i don't understand.. why do i have to do it there? i have little holes all over my body and it is scary cause it is as if i don't want to let the abuse go.
    yours truly ashley
    Life is all a perception. Do you see what I see? ...
    The more I fade away, the more they want me to stay...

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    Re: my punishment

    You definitely didn't deserve it and you don't deserve it now. I'm sorry that happened to you. I can relate to those feelings. There's a lot of pain there.

    Are you able to talk to anyone about this? I really hope you can get all this out so it won't haunt you so much anymore.

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    Re: Punishment

    Hi Ashley-Kate,
    No one deserves abuse as Janet stated. It should not happen to anyone including yourself. The pain of being abused and abusing oneself in horrible. I remember the guilt I felt, then I thought after a while it was letting the person who hurt me control me even more. I did not want to let that happen. I hope this is helpful. Take care of you because your worth it!!

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    Re: Punishment

    Ahley-Kate

    My dear. I don't think anyone has to go through what your going through. Im so sorry. I hope that you can go to someone about this. Or at least find someone that you can trust. im sorry i can't give you any advice but just to let you know that we are always here to talk to.
    The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain, or depressed. But this no-cost remedy is a necessary first half-step if you are to start on the road to recovery.? Allen Klein

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    Re: Punishment

    Hi Ashley-Kate

    I too don't really have any answers for you but I can relate to the feelings you have described about feeling like you deserve it. I struggle with that feeling and line of thought as well. All I can suggest is to find a good therapist and try and work it out with them. I know that I am trying right now and it is really hard. I always have the feeling that I deserve bad things to happen to me and that I am unloveable It is hard because I really don't know how to change that way of thinking. Anyway, I am always here for you if you need to talk.

    Take Care
    Nancy

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    Re: Punishment

    Hi Ashely-Kate;
    If you were to think back to the time before you SI, what was happening around you and with you? What was the trigger?

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    Re: Punishment

    What triggers it is a lot of things mostly the feelings like whejn i am with many people when i am feeling happy enjoying myself when nothing seems to be going bad i feel the need to feel pain to feel bad cause i am not sure i deserve to feel happy
    it is overwhelming i feel that i need to inflict pain on me cause i can't be happy.
    yours trully
    ashley
    Life is all a perception. Do you see what I see? ...
    The more I fade away, the more they want me to stay...

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    Re: Punishment

    Well it sounds like you already have some allies when it comes to your eating disorder. Does anyone know about your self injury? Is there anyone who could watch out for you or who you could call and at least talk to when you feel you might si? The good thing is that you are quite aware of what triggers it.

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    Re: Punishment

    Hi Ashley-Kate:
    First, nobody deserves abuse

    When I was young and was being abused, I thought that everyone knew what was happening to me, I always felt so dirty, and that nobody at school liked me because they knew what was happening to me.

    They didn't I mean how could they? Yet, in our minds because the abuse is so drastic to use emotionally. And because we feel so brought down by it, we think that everyone dislikes us, and we ourselves create a wall around us. I'm not sure if you can understand what I mean by that or not.

    When I was dating, I never felt comfortable around the guys that treated me good, I did not feel as though I deserved someone treating me nice. I mean the only thing I ever got from my dad was sexual, physical, verbal and mental abuse, Even after I graduated School, the verbal and mental continued.

    So guys that would treat me good, I did not think that I deserved them and lost a good deal of great relationships because of it.

    It took me a very very long time to realize that I am important in life, and that I have talents and can build a self esteem. I could not do that when I was younger, and I think had I been able to do so, my life would have taken a different course.

    Just please remember this. We are all special important people in this world. We need to build ourselves up if we haven't yet got to that point. Look in the mirror every day, tell yourself how important in life you are to people around you, and even to people you have not met yet.

    Learn how to take back control of your life.

    Abusers have control issues, they take our lives and try to ruin them for us as much as possible. And you know what else? Abusers dont' have good feelings about themsevles which is why they abuse, they have a confused sense of life and people.

    Just remeber always, you ARE special, you ARE important. You DESERVE to be happy You CAN succeed at things.

    I'm not sure what else I can say other then the above. All abuse is hard to go through and leaves emotional, and physical scars that we have to learn how to deal with.

    I hope you have someone that you can talk to, because it does help to talk to people that care about you. If you have someone around you that you can truly trust and is a good friend, talk to them.


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    Re: Punishment

    i am just at the end of this emotionnaly it is detroying me i put my alarm clock every night at every hour i wake myself up to not have to go threw another night mare but well it worsrtenes the flash backs i am going crazy i relive the abuse as if it were happening at the momenth and then when my spychologist my old one would tell me that i was innocent in it all and that he was older and more aware and responsible i would get mad i went threw exposiur therpia and since i have been even more dpressed on that and having even more nightmares cause ever since the therapi i have not been fallowed at all..
    i am just soo weekened by this all
    yours trully
    ashley
    Life is all a perception. Do you see what I see? ...
    The more I fade away, the more they want me to stay...

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