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Thread: Tough Time

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    Tough Time

    I'm going through a tough time and I'm not sure how to best ride it out.

    I feel unstable and unpredictable and that scares me. I feel angry and embarrassed that I keep returning to suicide as an option. I feel even more embarrassed to talk about it because my sister took her life and I know how upsetting the entire subject is. I also feel guilty that I would even have these thoughts/feelings/desires. I have a son who I love very much and I can't seem to make any sense about why I would even consider such a disturbing option knowing how important he and his development is to me.

    I also feel very conflicted about posting this. I want to talk about it because I want to move through it, but I don't want to be a freak or have people stop being supportive of me. What I do want is to acknowledge how sad I feel and work through it without turning to such a destructive and permanent way of coping with it.

    Sorry to be such a downer and thanks for reading.

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    Re: Tough Time

    Personally, I'm glad you have posted this. We're here to share the good times AND the bad times, healthbound. If this is a bad time for you, perhaps sharing it will make it less difficult in some ways. We often find that others have dealt with similar problems, and have very similar feelings. Sometimes, they may have found ways to cope that we haven't even thought about! We get to learn, and others get to share. It's a win-win situation.

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    Re: Tough Time

    Dear HB, TL is right and if i remember correctly you've said as much to other members here. It is okay to talk about this subject with us, if not us then with whom?? we're your friends here and we are here to support each other thru thick and thin.

    I also feel guilty that I would even have these thoughts/feelings/desires.
    I could have sworn that you are human HB, and being human, I for one know what it is like to have these thoughts\feelings ect.. It is not a nice space tobe in , and i'm sorry you are having such a tough time of it. You are NOT a freak! Can Isuggest you drop the guilty feeling for a start okay. you have nothing to feel guilty about. Unless of course you are guilty of being human and we are all in that boat with you ok.

    Coping with these fellings \thoughts ect is very hard and i don't believe can be done on your own, I couldn't do it on my own. I too came here and received such wonderful support and advice and also spoke to my therapist ect, and i'm still here TG.
    Can you ring your doc tomorow? or your therapist?? or even talk to Dr. B here thru pm or email? have you got some emergency numbers you can ring if all the above gets too overwhelming for you??
    and Yes do think of your son, the thoughts of him being without his mother i'm sure will help keep you from doing anything destructive.

    and HB.. you don't have to make any sense of why you are having suicidal thoughts, just accept that you are, (you have i think anyway) and acknowledge where your'e at. depression gives us no reason for thinking\feeling like we do, all we can do is recognise it (which u have done) and look for support and help as we go thru it.
    I hope you can talk to your doc or therapist soon, and that you will keep talking to us here.
    Thank you for posting the above, i realise it was a very hard decision to make but you made it and i hope it helped in some small way to post it.

    feel better soon HB.
    thinking of you

    nsa

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    Re: Tough Time

    sorry that reply is so long. didn't realise it till ihad posted it..

    feel free to edit it if necessary..

    nsa

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    Re: Tough Time

    hi healthbound, i can totally relate to everything you have written. i was having thoughts of suicide too but was scared to talk about it, scared to push the people i love away if i talked about it. at first i could deal with it because i wasn't serious, it was just thoughts of what if, and how. i actually had a way of doing it too, and that was very upsetting to me, but for some reason i could not get rid of the item even when i thought things were going better.

    things got worse and to a point where i just couldn't deal with my situation anymore. it got very scary. what made me feel the most hopeless of all was the thought that if i gave in to my thoughts that my children would grow up without me, and that they would end up going through all the pain i am going through. it would make me the worst mother in the world and ruin their lives. instead of my children giving me hope it just seemed to make me more frantic. i felt like i had no way out no matter how bad things got, because of my responsibility to care for them. i don't know if this is how you feel. it was big guilt for me and it did not help.

    in the end i had a very good talk with people at the hospital and it really helped me a lot. i've gotten past my crisis and the guilt and shame of having the thoughts i was having. i also have some friends that stuck by me when i felt i was losing all control over my thoughts and actions. i did not think people would care enough to do that, i just felt like i was some kind of crazy person. to have people stick by me no matter what has helped enormously.

    please don't feel guilty or embarrassed. this is all part of the disease. our brains are not working like they should be. when i couldn't deal with things anymore, they told me the brain is like a computer and that it just crashed. you're just dealing with a computer that has some kind of virus and is acting a little out of whack.

    find people you can talk to that won't judge you. i know this can be very scary and you may run into people who can't support you. don't take that personally. some people do not know how to react, i probably wouldn't have either had i not gone through depression myself. not their fault, nor yours.

    i guess the big thing is talk talk talk and tell people how frightening this is and how it makes you feel. get it out, it makes it less scary and it also lets people help you deal with it.

    take care and keep posting here, we're here for you.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

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    Re: Tough Time

    Healthbound,

    The best thing you could have done was to share your feelings and reach out to your friends. Losing your sister to suicide must have been an unimaginable tragedy.

    Your love for your son is your strongest reason for living, and would be the reason for contacting a local crisis line to be pointed to a resource where you can get some support and counselling to get you through this difficult time.

    Do you have a local resource you can contact?

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    Re: Tough Time

    Quote Originally Posted by healthbound

    I feel even more embarrassed to talk about it because my sister took her life and I know how upsetting the entire subject is. I also feel guilty that I would even have these thoughts/feelings/desires. I have a son who I love very much and I can't seem to make any sense about why I would even consider such a disturbing option knowing how important he and his development is to me.

    I also feel very conflicted about posting this. I want to talk about it because I want to move through it, but I don't want to be a freak or have people stop being supportive of me.
    Hi HB
    Talking about this must be hard for the people around you, having lost you sister. However, do you feel that there is no-one that would want to hear from you feeling like this? Perhaps if people in your family knew how you were feeling, your sisters memory would shock them into helping you as much as they could? I am glad that your son is a reminder of the people that need you here. When I have suicidal thoughts, guilt is often the reason that I don't go through with it. And while, at the time it makes me feel worse... I'm still here. But you should know that you son isn't the only one that wants you here. You are very cared for on this forum. I know this is a difficult concept because we only ever type to one another, but, the compassion that you have shown in your posts to others shows us what a fantastic person you are. Which brings me to you last point. It is a valid feeling when your feeling like you are, to believe that people will judge you harshly. We arn't. You haven't in the past, and most of the posters here on the forum know (actually know) how you are feeling. We care about you and I hope you are getting through this.
    -Robin

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    Re: Tough Time

    Hi HB,

    I'm truly sorry that you're going through such a tough time but I'm glad that you came here and told us about it. And I don't think you're a freak, that's one of the things this forum does, it shows that many of our feelings are shared by others, that we're not odd and we're not alone. We're all here for you HB, just like you've been here for everyone else.

    One of my first suggestions would be to call someone, maybe a good friend whom you can trust and would be willing to be there for you - whenever you needed them to. (I know people like that are pretty rare but they do exist - I've known one or two.) You could also call a professional therapist or a family doctor and speak with them. I think my main point here is to just talk to someone.

    What about talking with your son or a close family member? Just letting them know that you're going through a really tough time. I sometimes wish my own Mum would talk to me more about what she's feeling. Sometimes she seems so down and I would like to be able to help but she never acknowledges it - she's big into that "stiff, upper lip" thing. I just want to be there for her since she has always been there for me. I know she's human and that she feels pain too.

    And I understand the feelings of guilt when you have thoughts like this, I've had them too. And I really hope I'm not saying the wrong thing but I think these feelings of guilt help us get through these low times. And once we get help and get past them, these feelings of guilt are replaced by better feelings, feelings that make us happy to be alive.

    Anyway HB, thanks for posting and I hope to hear from you soon.

    Take care,

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    Re: Tough Time

    ((((healthbound)))) I'm so sorry to hear that your having hard times... but I'm very glad to see your writing about. As you can see by the posts so far, people really do care and want you to be able to express yourself.
    As you may know, I too feel suicidal sometimes and I don't necessarly know why other than feeling completely overwhelmed. I also know how frustrating this can be. I know it must be extra hard for you knowing that your sister killed herself and not wanting to bring up hard feelings for others, but believe me they would want to know. And if they don't want to know, we do.
    The important thing is that you talk to someone who can help you sort through this. I know what its like and it hurts soooo much, but your right-your son needs you...just like my dogs have needed me.
    Take care my friend and were here for you.
    Lots of safe hugs
    Rosa

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    Re: Tough Time

    Quote Originally Posted by healthbound
    I'm going through a tough time and I'm not sure how to best ride it out.

    I feel unstable and unpredictable and that scares me. I feel angry and embarrassed that I keep returning to suicide as an option. I feel even more embarrassed to talk about it because my sister took her life and I know how upsetting the entire subject is. I also feel guilty that I would even have these thoughts/feelings/desires. I have a son who I love very much and I can't seem to make any sense about why I would even consider such a disturbing option knowing how important he and his development is to me.

    I also feel very conflicted about posting this. I want to talk about it because I want to move through it, but I don't want to be a freak or have people stop being supportive of me. What I do want is to acknowledge how sad I feel and work through it without turning to such a destructive and permanent way of coping with it.

    Sorry to be such a downer and thanks for reading.
    Dear healthbound,
    I personally think posting in the forum is important. You have feelings that you need to express. Do you think your being hard on yourself? I sometimes think I am being hard on myself, I may not even have a reason. It does bring conflict and guilt when I feel that way. I sometimes write down my feelings, find something I enjoy doing to help me remember, I have nothing to be shameful off. I am doing my best. Even if the bad day is really a downer, like a double downer if you know what I mean! I found if I had those days I would be extra kind to myself, not judging myself all the time, reflecting on something that I enjoyed made me feel better. I know I had other options, there for me to utilize. I hope this is helpful, we all find our unique ways to cope. Take care

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