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  1. #1
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    Need to find words

    I was thinking about why I do this and there are so many reasons, but I think I punish myself for having feelings, for being human, for making mistakes, for existing. Growing up we just were not allowed to express emotion, not when we were sick, not when we were hurt, not even laughing and feeling joy. It was just shut down immediately and it's like I have all this emotion bottled up and it feels so wrong to feel.

    I started doing it when I was about 8. I remember being so scared and ashamed as a teenager because I had never heard of it and we didn't have the internet or anything like that to do research about things. I remember reading the book, "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" and being so afraid I was going to end up like the girl in the book, in the state mental hospital. And making up stories about how I hurt myself and lying about it only added to the shame and guilt I already felt.

    I did stop for several years and I was so proud of that. And then I started again. I went through a really hard experience in 2002 and then another worse one in 2003 and I started hurting myself again and it's just gotten worse and worse and I want to stop. I feel damaged already, but I think it contributes to the damage I already feel and the defectiveness and the pain. It is a horrible vicious cycle of abuse to myself. I'm abusive to myself. I'd never thought of it like that before.

    But before I can stop I think I have to somehow learn to value me and not feel ashamed of who I am and not feel guilty if I like myself.

    I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I want to try to stop this behavior, but I suppose I have to deal with all the reasons behind it. I think that's the hardest part, realizing the reasons and facing them, the worthlessness I feel, the despair, the pain, the sadness, the feelings, the haunting memories that just seem to come out of nowhere.

    Maybe I can do it though. Maybe I'm stronger than I think and maybe I'm stronger than they think. Maybe I'm NOT totally and completely destroyed the way I think I am sometimes. I don't know for sure, but I hope I can do this.


  2. #2
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    Re: Need to find words

    Maybe I can do it though. Maybe I'm stronger than I think and maybe I'm stronger than they think. Maybe I'm NOT totally and completely destroyed the way I think I am sometimes. I don't know for sure, but I hope I can do this.
    You can do it. You are stronger than You think and You are stronger than they think. You are not totally and completely destroyed the way You think You are sometimes. YOU can do this.

    there's a lot of positive thinking up there..
    What else can i say... well done on posting the above Janet..


    nsa

  3. #3
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    Re: Need to find words

    janet i agree with nsa. you are stronger than you think. when i think of the things i went through and thought i could never survive, i survived them. it is incredible the resilience in human beings. i know you can do it. i think you know it too
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  4. #4
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    Re: Need to find words

    You can do it, Janet. It isn't easy, but you can do it. You can do it because you want to do it. You can do it for yourself, and you can do it for Abigail. I know that somewhere inside you there's a little voice that tells you the truth...that you're a good, sweet, caring, valuable person. Sometimes, it speaks so quietly we can barely hear it over the bellowing of the past. However, it's always there, even if it's whispering. Listen closely. You can do this.

  5. #5
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    Re: Need to find words

    I guess all I can say is it takes time.
    The hardest thing you can do is smile when you are ill, in pain, or depressed. But this no-cost remedy is a necessary first half-step if you are to start on the road to recovery.? Allen Klein

  6. #6
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    Re: Need to find words

    (((safe hugs for Janet)))) i completely understand how you feel when you describe feelings of worthlessness and of having no value....it is hard, but you are not worthless and you do have value. I know its hard to change habits from the past and relearn new behaviors but i know you can and will do it. You are a strong person and a very valuable human being. Just knowing you makes me a better person and I think that sayss alot.
    In friendship
    Rosa

  7. #7
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    Re: Need to find words

    What caught my attention is that you said "maybe I am stronger than they think..." I was just wondering who "they" are? And maybe u could try to not worry so much about what others think. I tend to do that alot, and it really puts a damper on my mood when I know I've done something wrong, and on top of my own guilt, I carry someone's disproval! I know I shouldn't, I just do. But, anyway, it's just something I noticed in your writing (which by the way was very fluid, clear and descriptive-- do you write often? Maybe you should?). Good Luck--Poohbear

  8. #8
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    Re: Need to find words

    I was thinking about why I do this and there are so many reasons, but I think I punish myself for having feelings, for being human, for making mistakes, for existing. Growing up we just were not allowed to express emotion, not when we were sick, not when we were hurt, not even laughing and feeling joy. It was just shut down immediately and it's like I have all this emotion bottled up and it feels so wrong to feel.
    Janet, that's really one of the most insightful things I've seen you write. I was raised in a similar environment; although, probably not as severe. Yet, my father was pretty much an emotionless man. My mother was more emotional, but turned most of that toward my brother, not toward me. He was more needy by nature. Like you, showing emotion wasn't really an acceptable thing to do. One must put on a strong front, bite one's lip, and endure. One does not become sick. If I was sick, I'd better have a fever of 104F, or be bleeding out. Laughter was rarely heard in our house. Fighting between my parents was far more common. I saw the two of them actually kiss only once in the almost seventeen years I lived in that house. It was not a nurturing environment.

    I was always "too" everything. "Too" dramatic, "too" emotional, "too" sensitive. You name it, according to my parents, I overdid it. It took over 30 years for me to learn that there wasn't a darned thing wrong with me. I'm a person, and I'm an individual, and that's just plain fine! I don't have to meet other peoples' expectations. My mother has learned, over the years, that we can get along beautifully as long as she remembers that I run my own life. She does not run my life. She runs her own life and I do not interfere. She lives with me, but that doesn't give me any right to try to control her, nor her to control me. We've managed to work things out but it took a long time and a lot of hard work on both our parts.

  9. #9
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    Re: Need to find words

    Janet, thank you for posting that, like looking at my own life in so many ways, you said some things that really made me think, which is good. I had 5+ years free of SI then had too much stress, started again. Like you I was raised in a family where emotions were not allowed, ever! But, I have them and am trying to work through the negative ones, get them out of my life and focus more on the positive. I am going to "somehow learn to value me" as you wrote, that is it, in a nutshell, have to learn to value me. Thank you for writing that, today, I am going to make a list of things that I should value about me, then, seeing them in actual print, perhaps it will give me the courage or strength to make it to another day without SI, which is a wonderful goal. I really think we should all value ourselves, we are all unique, special, in our own way. Thanks Janet for making me see that, all the best on your journey, you can make it, we all can.
    Feisty

  10. #10
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    Re: Need to find words

    It's ok to feel, it really is.

    I know how hard it can be. I was conditioned not to feel, to be punished for anger and sadness and longing and joy and excitement. For existing.
    This goes deep....

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