i needed to come here for support. normally i would think it is stupid to join a community for this sort of thing (naturally, i am a bit negative)...but i feel that the things i say and do should be my problems- yet lately i seem to have been lashing out and i believe my anger and inability to come to terms with it is causing problems for my signinficant other.
i am 18 years old, i am living with my boyfriend renting a room in our friends house. my boyfriend is a good person, but we have been living here for almost 5 monthes and he still hasnt gotten a job, nor does he even do the chores usually. i told him that i beleive that some of his behaviors are contributing to my depression, and i was crying while i said it. but he still doesnt seem to be taking me seriously.
now i am aware that the majority of those who will read this will probably say that he is no good and i should leave him for my best interest. but i love him, and we have been through a lot...i honestly think that since he was raised in a slightly wealthy environment( or at least what would seem so to me), that now that he is out on his own, he fails to notice the importance of employment and such. he doesnt realize we are lucky to have any of the things we have, in fact he is accustomed to what i and my family would consider luxuries.
but the main reason i felt inclined to come here tonight was so that i could vent and get support on my greatest issue- male sexuality. i am not against sexual activity in any way. but the way males seem so incapable of controlling their urges makes me view it as pathetic and desperate. pornography is disgusting, and i say this without any religious faith as influence. it enrages me to no end that the average guy seems to find what is the most synthetic appearance to be the most attractive, and that anyone could masterbate to animation(it just seems as though it is a way to pretend, that females can have such big breasts, or be so unrealistically thin). i have dated guys who agree with me on this topic, that think porno is either gross and tasteless. but my current boyfriend does not agree...which is something i wasnt aware of until more recently.
it disturbs me when he mentions that a cartoon could be arousing, or even a real video of such distasteful displays. i try to understand, and i try harder to not be mean and severely angry with him about it, but i cant help myself. it makes me so furious that i cry, simply not knowing what else to do. i think the biggest part of it for me is that i was in a point in time where i did many things i severely regret, and just beforehand had learned the true meaning of heartache. i swore i wouldnt even date anyone for a seriously long time, and i didnt for say a year until i met my current boyfriend. it took amazing amounts of love and trust for him to woo me out of my fear of getting close to someone, and whhen i found out he is attracted to porn and other such related things dissapointed me badly- thinking about how i have dated people before in my life who agreed with my views on it..i suppose i just cant comprehend how i ended up with someone who has such opposing views from me, on a matter i am most adamant about.
among my such enfuriated moods, float obcessive compulsive disorder, clinical depression, and social anxiety disorder.
i am not suicidal. but i dont feel like i have any reason to be alive, either. for all who took the time to read this, please reply to me so i can have a little true understanding for once. good night, thanks.
also, no offense to any guys out there. i am aware that not all guys are like "that", and even if they are it doesnt mean they are bad people. but the personality trait disturbs me, even though i know it shouldnt be any of my concern really. i am open and encouraging of theories and disussion about what this could be related to. the only thing i cannot bear to hear is justification for males being sex "addicts". as human beings, we all have the ability to control ourselves.