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  1. #1
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    Is depression ruining my relationship?

    hello everyone.

    I need some advice and I hope I’ve come to the right place. I know this is a depression forum and ultimately I have a question about depression. Please bear with me.

    I suffer from depression, sometimes its really bad . At the moment I’m up and down. Mostly I suffer from severe negativity, mainly about the relationship that I’m in. It started badly (he lied about seeing another women very early on), then I lost a baby, a few other major upsets happened and I became depressed.

    We’ve been together nearly 2 years now and whenever I go through a bad period I completely and utterly blame him for everything. I hate that I’m with him, and believe that he’s destroyed my confidence (in the early days he used to ogle other women and make comments about fancying them). It made me feel so unattractive and inferior. I feel resentful towards him and blame him for making me feel so unsure of myself.

    He’s changed so much now and is really supportive towards me and my depression, he helps me as much as he can and even through really bad times he’s never doubted how much we belong together.

    We had a 6 month period when I wasn’t depressed and consequently our relationship was fantastic. He says whenever I’m not depressed everything is fine, and I lose the bitterness and the hostility towards him. But it comes back, because so many things remind me that this isn’t perfect, and I become depressed all over again.

    So what I need to know is… is it the relationship that’s making me depressed because I can’t forgive him for treating me badly in the beginning, or does it feel hopeless because I’m depressed?

    I know it’s a tough one to answer but I/we need help. We now have a baby son and our relationship needs to either move on from this or we have to break up. Its about perspective and I’ve lost mine.

    Hope you can shed some light on this for me….

    Lillypad.

  2. #2
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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    Lilly, are you and your husband in a position to see a couples counsellor? If so, that might be the best way to answer your questions.

    It's hard to answer your question here based on your brief information and without knowing more about your history and symptoms. There is no question that depression alters how you think about, view, and interpret things. Depressed people are more pessimistic and generally have lowered frustration tolerance and stress tolerance, regardless of what else may be going on in their lives. And, as difficult as it is to be depressed, it is also not easy to live with someone who is depressed. Thus, it's entirely possible that being depressed in creating negative currents in your relationship.

    On the other hand, it's also very difficult for most people to resolve issues stemming from infidelity, and one of the results of that can be lowered self-esteem, anger, and pessimistic/negative thinking which can in turn contribute to depression.

    You might find some of the threads in the Resources forum here useful, especially Feelings and the Thoughts That Control Them, The Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking, and the Daily Mood Log.

  3. #3
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    Angry Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    Thanks for replying.

    My partner works away so seeing a councellor for any length of time isn?t possible. I even feel resentful about that.

    Shouldn?t I be over what happened in the beginning? I don?t think it should be such a big deal. He says we weren?t really together but I hate the fact that he didn?t want me straight away regardless of whether we?d had the official conversation about being a couple (we?d been seeing each other for a month when he told me he was going away for a week with another women). In reality I believe it only didn?t work out with this other women because she wouldn?t leave her boyfriend for him! I can?t help feeling second best and what with all the other women he fancied, maybe even 100th best. Its soul destroying and it makes me feel so ugly.

    We didn?t have a big romance or in fact any ?falling in love? time and that was mainly because he did spend the first 3 months looking at other women. I hated it and now I feel like I?ve really missed out on something and I?m getting more and more bitter by the day.

    I want to feel loved (doesn?t everyone?) and I want to be with someone who really fancies me. I know its not too much to ask because I?ve had it before. No matter how good things are with us, no matter how much he tells me he loves me and fancies me, I always bring this up, and we end up fighting. It seems never ending.

    Can you please tell me how to forgive him? How can I ever get my confidence back if I live with the person who made me like this.

    Would anyone else be so consumed by this, 1 ? years after the event? Or am I just depressed?

    lillypad.

  4. #4
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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    lillypad i don't have any answers for you. i think this is really something you need to work out in couples counselling. i think that some people are more prone to depression than others. i know something like this would probably have made me depressed too, but then again, i'm susceptible to depression as well. others who are not prone to depression may be able to move on more easily but i really cannot speak for them.

    i know that feeling unloved can lead to depression. however, depression can also lead to feeling unloved. there really is no way to tell the difference between cause and effect in your situation.

    i understand it's frustrating that he works away and that that makes counselling difficult. however, maybe you can figure out some sort of arrangement. it is really worth it to make the effort, especially since you have a son together. if it's really impossible for him to be around for the counselling then maybe you could consider just getting treatment for your depression on your own, rather than stay at a standstill. as you say when you had the depression free period things were good. alleviating the depression may alleviate the pressure on the relationship.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  5. #5
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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    Or if couples counseling isn't feasible, perhaps you should be thinking about counseling for yourself. I don't think this is "just" depression. I don't think you've really worked through his "infidelity" yet.

  6. #6
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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    Also, try not to focus on wether you should feel depressed and put more focus on why.

  7. #7
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    Unhappy Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    That?s a good point ? should or why.

    I feel that by letting it go I?ll also be saying that it doesn?t matter anymore. Does that make sense? I understand the concept of forgiving so I suppose I need to work on that for my own peace of mind. Easier said than done of course. Sometimes when I write about all this I feel like I?ve completely let myself down for letting someone hurt me so much.
    I have been to CBT in the past and it really helped (this was after we lost the baby) so I will go again.

    With regard to the point about me not having worked through his ?infidelity? (I note the quotes that you used ) I don?t know what we can work through, because he doesn?t believe that he cheated on me. He knows that he treated me badly but even that took months for him to agree to. There was no big apology or regret, just non-productive arguments and him saying that there wasn?t anything between us. Which really hurt of course.

    Basically its very hard to forgive someone when they don?t believe they?ve done anything wrong.

    Does anyone have any ideas about how I can approach this with him? Or does anyone think that its ok to be seeing more than one women if neither is his girlfriend? I?m especially interested in what men think because I really want to try and see this from his point of view.

    We are starting councelling in a few weeks, but without some help now, I?m not sure if we?ll make it to then.

    Thx in advance.
    Lillypad

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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    Quote Originally Posted by lillypad
    With regard to the point about me not having worked through his “infidelity” (I note the quotes that you used ) I don’t know what we can work through, because he doesn’t believe that he cheated on me.
    I was referring to your earlier comments here:

    Quote Originally Posted by lillypad
    I don’t think it should be such a big deal. He says we weren’t really together but I hate the fact that he didn’t want me straight away regardless of whether we’d had the official conversation about being a couple (we’d been seeing each other for a month when he told me he was going away for a week with another women).
    My impression is that, although you felt and still feel betrayed, you're also not entirely sure that it was infidelity. I don't know if it's important what you call it though. I think you do still feel betrayed and that's the part that is impeding your relationship. Maybe the first step is for you (i.e., as an individual, rather than you as a couple) to explore what it means to you. I'm not sure that CBT will be very helpful in this regard.

    Quote Originally Posted by lillypad
    We are starting councelling in a few weeks, but without some help now, I’m not sure if we’ll make it to then.
    I'm not sure I understand. It seems tghis happened a while ago and that you are going to be seeing a counselor together - What's the hurry for you?

    Quote Originally Posted by lillypad
    Basically its very hard to forgive someone when they don’t believe they’ve done anything wrong.
    Does anyone have any ideas about how I can approach this with him? Or does anyone think that its ok to be seeing more than one women if neither is his girlfriend? I’m especially interested in what men think because I really want to try and see this from his point of view.
    The problem seems to be that at the time this happened you thought you were in a committed relationship and he didn't. If that's the case, then I can see why he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. On the other hand, one of the first things I'd be asking is why you had such different perceptions about the status of your relationship at that time.
    Last edited by ^^Phoenix^^; October 5th, 2006 at 02:53 PM.

  9. #9
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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    The bit I wrote about the infidelity word being in quotes had a smiley after it, but when I pasted it in, it seemed to disappear. I didn?t mean anything by it at all.

    I believe that we are in relationships with everyone, whether it?s a friend or parent, someone you?ve just met or of course someone you see intimately. I believe that we should have respect (and for me that includes being truthful) for other people no matter what the relationship is defined as. I suppose that?s how I feel let down.

    With regard to your question saying ? what?s the hurry?
    Our relationship has come to a point where we can?t stay together because we have such severe arguments, and it can take days and days to recover. Seeing a councellor would be great but a few weeks is a absolute lifetime when you have depression. I almost can?t get through the nights, its so painful and upsetting. I cry so often, not just about the relationship ending but because everything is just too much for me. When things are bad I?d like to drink myself to sleep/take valium but now I have to be responsible and look after my son. It feels so overwhelming that I can never escape.

    Thanks for all your replies. Its really helped me.

    Can I just ask why you think cbt wouldn?t be helpful?

  10. #10
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    Re: Is depressions ruining my relationship?

    I feel that by letting it go I?ll also be saying that it doesn?t matter anymore. Does that make sense?
    it makes total sense to me. i struggle with similar feelings about a major issue in my life (quite different from yours). i've been hanging on to it for a couple of years, as i felt all this time that if i let go, it meant it wasn't important anymore. it felt and still feels like i am letting myself down if i let go, as if i am betraying myself.

    at this point i am slowly starting to try to let go, because i see now i cannot hang on forever. hanging on will keep me miserable. it won't bring me any happiness. as difficult and painful as it is to let go, i see that it must be done for me to move on with my life. in the end i hopefully won't see it as a betrayal of myself. in the end i hopefully can forgive myself for the choices i made in the past that caused me so much grief.

    not only is letting go important for me, it is important for those close to me that i move on. my family depends on me and i need to do this for both myself and them. depression doesn't just affect the depressed person, it touches everyone in his or her life.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

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