perhaps it is my curse to have things fresh, analyzed and organized that made me want to post a new topic, instead of adding to the last one.
I was searching for something, when i saw the history of the searches on this, my boyfriends computer. he told me that his "porn" thing was of no preference, just for the sex, and that he never went out of his way for it. but i came across two different search paths to specific "stars". both of which look as though they spend all the money they degrade themselves for, to look as far from human as possible.
once before he argued that to see a naked woman is instinct, to have the nature-given urge to reproduce. then why is it he wants to look at the least natural thing? and why would the thought of reproduction itself make him recoil from the urge it has caused?
i felt sick to my stomach, perhaps just because i allow it to get to me. but what bothers me the most, is that he seems to have lied about this in discussions we have had before, and when i confronted him he at first ignored me, and then said it was not him who did these searches.
it would be so much better if he at least is, and was always, honest. but i feel like i cant trust him now, to tell me the truth, but i dont know if it is just paranoia. i cant tell wether the things i think are right or wrong, i battle within my own head. i cant draw the line between that which is influenced by mental instability, and what is personal opinion. this leads to guilt trips after i have gotten angry, wondering if i am too hard.
its such a life-consuming mess.