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  1. #1
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    What is wrong with me?

    Here is my background.

    I am 23 right now. At 15 I was in a car accident with my father that gave me a concussion and knocked me out for several hours. I joined the military in 2001. In November 2002 I heard from my father that my close uncle had shot and killed himself when he was being confronted by law enforcement. In Feb 2003 I had my first suicide attempt via overdose. I was sent to a mental health ward in the military hospital for 5 days and released. 2 months later I tried again but this time by cuting my wrists. After that attempt my commanding officer recommended that I be seperated from the military. In July 2004 I received an Honorable Discharge under a Personality Disorder. I received a 30% Disability fron the VA for a Major Depressive Disorder after a few months of civilian life after I tried to kill myself again.

    From the time when I left the military to now I still have major depression and dont have any social life, no steady job (been fired from 3 and quit 2 others), tried doing college but cant concentrate and memorize anything so I failed out of 2 classes and withdrew out of the other 4 in a two term period.

    The scary party that I need someone's help with is for a little over a year now I have had the thoughts of what it would be like to take the life of my parents and other people. How would it make me feel. Would I feel any remorse. They keep getting stronger and stronger to the point where I feel that I will act on these emotions and thoughts very soon.

    Why would I want to hurt my parents just to see how it felt like. I know that cant be normal. I have tried several mental health hospitals but they never worked so far. Has anyone experienced anything like this before? What is the cause and how to I get it under control before I follow through?

    Thank you for any help.

  2. #2
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Hi Chad

    Firstly let me say that I really feel for you. Dealing with these kinds of intrusive thoughts is always difficult, no matter what they are.

    Suffice to say that these thoughts are not healthy ones, mind you - neither are the thoughts about harming yourself. Now that you've isolated them, you DO NEED to get yourself into therapy, and start talking them through with a specialist. Medication will help, but they won't work on their own.

    You mentioned that you suffered a concussion when you were younger? Are you worried about damage to your brain? Have you had cat/mri scans since to see if there is damage to the tissue?

  3. #3
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Chad, are you still receiving VA benefits? or eligible to do so?

    I would recommend an assessment not only of the depression/aggression issues but also of cognitive functioning. There is no way to tell from your description alone but the attentional difficulties could be "organic" (physical) or psychological in origin and determining that might be the first step. A consultation with a neurologist and/or neuropsychologist would be helpful.

    Are you currently in therapy and are you taking any medications at the present time? What about substance use - is that an issue?

  4. #4
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Thanks for the quick responses.

    I have had CAT and MRI scans and I dont believe they found anything if I recall right.

    I think im still receiving VA benefits I dont have control over my finances anymore since I went on a rampage of about 4 thousand dollars of reckless spending on my fathers credit card about 9 months ago so he has all my finances.

    I was given medication way back when but I stopped taking them about 7 months ago cause I didnt feel like they helped.

    The therapy that the VA doctor assigned me didnt help me at all since they never talked about our problems just let us ramble on for an hour.

    I have never taken any drugs in my life, I dont smoke, and I rarely drink.

  5. #5
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Chad,

    When you were getting therapy, were you going with your parents? Who is the 'us' that were let to ramble?

  6. #6
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    I'm guessing it was group therapy, Phoenix.

    Chad, I do think it's time for you to get back into seeing somebody, preferably in individual therapy, and back to some medication. You need to start with a psychologist or psychiatrist who is competent to diagnose you - I'm wondering now about bipolar disorder among other things.

    My strong recommendation is that you try to initiate an appointment as soon as possible.

  7. #7
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    Also - have you discussed these thoughts with a therapist?

    also:
    You need to start with a psychologist or psychiatrist who is competent to diagnose you
    . What David says here is very important. If indeed you were involved in group therapy then you weren't getting the attention that you need. Also, many times, conductors of group therapy may not specialise in the 'particular' condition that you may be suffering from.

    You need to see a specialist, explain your thoughts, the frequency and your worry that you will act on them soon. If the person you see does not specialize in that area then they can refer you to someone that can properly help you.

  8. #8
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    No my parents didnt come. The therapy group was 1 moderator and 7-9 people in therapy with me. The moderater just asked us how we all were and let us talk about anything and that always was about other stuff then the problems that brought us to the group.

  9. #9
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    One problem with seeing a non VA doctor is the money issue. We arnt poor poor but we arnt financially set enough to allow me to see a normal doctor.

    No I havent told anyone these thoughts I have kept them inside because I dont want to let anyone else feel what I am feeling. Ever time I see my family I see enough hurt and pain in them without adding that their son is thinking of killing them

  10. #10
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    Re: What is wrong with me?

    If the money is financial then discuss the above with your VA therapist. They should be able to refer you to someone within that organisation that can help. (Is VA a military based aid?)

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