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  1. #1
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    Why does the abuse keep happening?

    Hello,

    I have a question that I just don't understand or how I can stop what keeps happening from continuing.

    I was sexually abused as a child by a male teenager, then later at 14, by someone's father.

    I don't know what it is called, but I am sure it is some form of sexual abuse.

    My own father since childhood spoke to my sister and I very sexually along with very explicit dirty jokes and still does even though I constantly complain about it and rarely visit him because of it, a very distant relationship. I have decided I am not going to speak to him again since everytime I speak with him his dirty words makes me feel so bad for so long afterwards.

    Anyway...my question is, all my life, I keep attracting men who are predators in my life. They don't take NO for an answer, I have been "date" raped several times. I have had many men "Flash" me out of the blue. I have had men at several jobs grab me sexually (4 or 5 different ones) I have had male friends who I have made very clear "just friends, please don't touch, etc." who later corner me and touch me sexually (just recently in fact) etc., etc, etc,. They just don't hear my word NO. It has always just fallen on deaf ears. Now I have to end yet another friendship because of it, and again, I'm alone. No I didn't press charges on any of them, looking back I should have and if it ever happens again I WILL, I pray that it won't but being this magnet it seem inevitable, how can I stop it?

    Why am I a magnet to these types of men. I would really like to know how I can change this, or why this is keeps happening.

    I feel that I have good self esteem. I feel that I deserve a good, loving man, I am a good and loving woman...and I have always prayed for that, but have given up...I have never had the good fortune of being with one and I have lost hope of ever having a good, decent man love me, so I figure I have to settle on being alone the rest of my life. I basically have been alone my whole life anyway, except for these perverts I keep attracting.

    What do I need to do to keep these types far from me? Why do I keep getting sexually abused/harrassed/molested even into adulthood instead of loved?

    Is there a thread or post here at the forum dealing with this issue?

    Any advise would be very appreciated.
    Thank you,
    LoneBird

  2. #2
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    hello lonebird, first of all, welcome to the forum

    i'm not sure why this keeps happening to you. the only thing i can think of is that at an unconscious level these types of men are familiar to you, so those are the types of men that you seem to end up with. also they may sense from your body language that you are vulnerable in that way.

    when you look at the types of partners people tend to choose, they typically at some level are familiar and remind people of their parents in one way or another. it may not be obvious but it is there.

    have you ever taken any kind of assertiveness training?

    you say you feel you have good self-esteem. i imagine that this kind of abuse would really affect your self-esteem. i am wondering if maybe it's not as high as you think. if so, it would be beneficial to you to get some help in that area. a person's self-esteem shows through their body language, and you may be sending signals to these men that you're a "good" target for them.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  3. #3
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    A couple of questions for you, Lone Bird: How old are you? Where do you meet these men? Do you agree to go out with them the first time they ask? Are you openly friendly immediately, or do you keep a bit of reserve on first meeting? Do you have female friends with you when you meet these guys?

    All those questions might give us some clues as to what to advise you. It sounds like, somehow, you're either coming off as approachable and willing (this is probably not your fault!), or you're meeting men who aren't exactly sterling examples of mature manhood. If we know a little bit more about how things get started, it might give us some clues as to how you can put a stop to this sort of garbage.

  4. #4
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    Thank you for your replies

    Ohhh I just wrote a detailed post and it timed out and it got lost so I will try to remember it all and re-write it.

    A couple of questions for you, Lone Bird: How old are you? Where do you meet these men? Do you agree to go out with them the first time they ask? Are you openly friendly immediately, or do you keep a bit of reserve on first meeting? Do you have female friends with you when you meet these guys?
    I am 44, I met these men at jobs who touched and grabbed me at work, and others I met just at the mechanics, or the store, or at my apartment building, a few of them. I did agree to go out with them the first time they asked if I liked them and was open and friendly as this was my natural personality with everyone.

    No I did not have female friends when I met guys, I have never had any female friends even though I have always tried to make friends with girls/women, it never happens, even as a kid, women just don't seem to like me for some reason. I would like to have female friends very much.

    Maybe I don't have the high self esteem that I think I do as I think about it more. I have always been the one sitting alone at the end of the row, with a few seats next to me empty. I am the opposite of a social butterfly. I rarely get out, just to do errands. I am just not chronically depressed (could be the meds) and I have, or did, have a good outlook on life (could be the meds again).

    As for body language, I act only as a lady, I sit and walk like a lady, I fold my hand in my lap. I dress very conservatively and always have, except for summer shorts, perhaps. I have had chronic back and neck pain for 20 years which makes me walk stifly and when I stand, sometime I have to have my hand supporting my lower back, which would look like I have attitude I would think. I am friendly and smile and greet everyone with a friendly smile and a rare hello.

    As for assertiveness, I am very assertive, I have never had a problem saying no, or asking for what I want or need from anyone.

    I did counseling therapy for 2 years based on child abuse, 1-2 times per week sometimes lasting 2 hours each session. I attended group sessions 2 times a week 3 hours per session 2 times a week for 2 months.

    I attended a group session at a church last year for survivors that wasn't very productive, this one did not last long.

    I read self help books that I find helpful, I like Joyce Meyer books and I love to watch her program, she is an adult survivor.

    The last incident was my next door neighbor who I was very reserved with and didn't talk to for about a year, just a hello now and then. When the summer started I started to talk with him and we became friends. I made it very clear that I was not interested in him romantically and had NO interested in him. As we were watching a movie he starting touching me sexually, STOP IT! I said never do that again, he agreed. Then he did it again a month later. First time shame on him, second time shame on me I guess. I should have never associated with him after the first time. He didn't respect my boundries.

    There is more but cannot remember what I wrote in my original post, if I remember I will post it.

    Thank you very much for your help

    LoneBird

  5. #5
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    P.S.

    If this information helps at all.

    I was diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder, this is the group sessions that I attended for 2 months, 3 hours per day, 2 times a week, it was DBT classes.

    I wonder if the BPD symptom of "lacking in judgement" is the reason why this keeps happening to me. I just can't think of any other explaination. I don't seem to have the naturally built in "radar" to detect when someone is going to harm me. But it doesn't matter because it would have happened anyway, I think.

    Could this be the reason? If so, I guess I'm doomed to having it keep happening until my dying day because I know I'm as recovered as I'm ever going to get with BPD because I could never afford any further treatment...

    Yet I still don't see how I have done anything to have attracted these occurrances over and over and over again in my life. I'm not the approacher, or initiate anything, I just magnatize them somehow and wonder why.

    P.S. The diagnosed BPD is mild now, 95% of the time. If at all noticable. Before therapy, I was most of the time, emotionally a wreck, and could barely function.

    Any Ideas, advice?

    LoneBird

  6. #6
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    You've mentioned meds. What kind of meds are you on now and who prescribes them for you?

    It sounds to me like you could use some good friends, girl! I'm wondering if, perhaps, you could get involved in something where you could meet other women looking for friendships and someone to hang out with. Volunteering at a hospital is a good place to meet this kind of people, as is helping out at the library, or at a school. I think, if you had some female friends to go out and have fun with, they would act as a buffer for you and you could learn by watching them what to do to prevent this sort of thing from happening.

  7. #7
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    Quote Originally Posted by ThatLady View Post
    You've mentioned meds. What kind of meds are you on now and who prescribes them for you?

    It sounds to me like you could use some good friends, girl! I'm wondering if, perhaps, you could get involved in something where you could meet other women looking for friendships and someone to hang out with. Volunteering at a hospital is a good place to meet this kind of people, as is helping out at the library, or at a school. I think, if you had some female friends to go out and have fun with, they would act as a buffer for you and you could learn by watching them what to do to prevent this sort of thing from happening.

    Hi ThatLady,

    My Medical Dr. prescribes Luvox and Topamx and Klonopin, an anti-depressant/ODC medication and a mood stabalizer and an anti-anxiety.

    That is excellent advise, and surely that would help me a great deal, I really am alone most of the time and for many many years. Although I have tried many times to get involved in functions with women i.e. bible studies, church functions in the past. I always felt uncomfortable and well, just unwelcome and felt they had their click going and I was still alone and just stopped attending.

    I just recently volunteered with helping wildlife with other women and they were not looking to be my friend, I was seeking their friendship, when I reached out, they backed off, it got personally very stressful for me so I quit. I'm going back JUST FOR THE ANIMALS soon.

    I will definately look into volunteering in other areas where it is female based where I can meet other women to make friends with. I do believe this would help me a great deal. I hope this time around of trying, I won't feel so uncomfortable or unwelcome in my attempt to make friends.

    Thank you so much for this advice, I truly appreciate it

  8. #8
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    Quote Originally Posted by LoneBird View Post
    Hi ThatLady,

    My Medical Dr. prescribes Luvox and Topamx and Klonopin, an anti-depressant/ODC medication and a mood stabalizer and an anti-anxiety.

    That is excellent advise, and surely that would help me a great deal, I really am alone most of the time and for many many years. Although I have tried many times to get involved in functions with women i.e. bible studies, church functions in the past. I always felt uncomfortable and well, just unwelcome and felt they had their click going and I was still alone and just stopped attending.

    I just recently volunteered with helping wildlife with other women and they were not looking to be my friend, I was seeking their friendship, when I reached out, they backed off, it got personally very stressful for me so I quit. I'm going back JUST FOR THE ANIMALS soon.

    I will definately look into volunteering in other areas where it is female based where I can meet other women to make friends with. I do believe this would help me a great deal. I hope this time around of trying, I won't feel so uncomfortable or unwelcome in my attempt to make friends.

    Thank you so much for this advice, I truly appreciate it
    That's the ticket, Lone Bird! I really think if you'll learn to think of yourself as someone people want to know and be around, you'll find it easier to make friends. It's sometimes kinda difficult to find that happy medium between trying too hard and not trying hard enough. Yet, if you keep practicing, you'll learn. Also, in almost any good sized group of women, there's someone with a heart big enough to recognize the one who needs a friend. Just put it out there, Lone Bird. Someone will pick it up.

    As I think about it, there's another really good place you could volunteer, and there are people there who need friends just as badly as you do. Try a nursing home, or assisted living, or even a hospital. Believe me, there you will find those who need you just as much as you need them.

  9. #9
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    Thanks Lady,

    I feel the dark cloud is lifting :dimples: HOPE

    I will PM you and let you know how things go if you would like. I've been looking through my phone book for volunteering positions since you suggested it.

    Happy Bird

  10. #10
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    Re: Why does the abuse keep happening?

    Absolutely keep us informed! I'm very interested in what you find out, and will be glad to hear you've found something that fits you. For me, giving of myself to others has always been the best way out of the doldrums. I just feel better when I can feel I'm doing something for someone. I think you'll find that volunteer work gives you that feeling of being important and connected. It's a really great feeling!

    Stay with us, Lone Bird, and keep talking. There are many here who can identify with the problems you're having, and have had, and there's a lot of good advice amongst our little group. Welcome aboard! :group hug:

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