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  1. #1
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    An Odd Affair--very,very long.

    When I was 17 I never thought that having an affair with a married man would ever happen to me. I was never for that sort of thing,and in fact, when watching those day time shows with cheating husbands I usually had a strong distaste for anyone of such nature; I vowed that no one I knew would ever do such a thing to anybody...

    I am an artist. During that time I started drawing again, wanting to learn more about the human body. An acquaintance of mine introduced me to a private art school which taught life drawing among many other of subjects, professionally. I started attending that school and fell in love with it. I have never before received an art education to that degree before, and during my senior year I enrolled in several classes in earnest to bump up my skills tenfold. I had a 4.0 GPA, I had a great social life, and now I had a path to where I could hone my skills and hopefully become a great artist one day.

    In that school there were artists who had studios, where they did their work. THere was this one particular artist which everyone worshiped, for he did art for big time movies as well as video games and different sorts of products. Everybody there knew him but he rarely showed himself downstairs. One night, he came by downstairs and started fooling around with the kids, laughing and joking. I was sitting there, waiting for my life drawing teacher to come and help me with my work. Sketching in my notebook, I tried hard to concentrate but I was extremely nervous...I had always wished for this man, (let's call him Mitch) to notice me for my art...just like everybody else did. It was a far-fetched dream but he came to notice me that night. Looking at me work, he taunted my piece, and I laughed and ignored him. He kept pestering me though, and brought me to everybody else's attention, and kept asking me questions. He wanted to look through my sketchbook so I let him , and he showed it to another fellow artist who had a studio there. They praised me, and then he invited everybody up to his studio to look at the works for several upcoming movies. We all went up, and when everybody was heading down he stopped me and started talking to me... "You pay lots of attention to detail don't you? You like to design monsters like I do, too." Then he started using the words "we" as in "we know how to design chars which have personality," etc. I was flustered and very happy that someone of his talent would recognize me. He gave me some tutorials and some materials he used and asked me to draw some monsters to show him. Needless to say, I was excited and I went home and started right away.

    As an artist I know that I am better than a lot of people my own age and beyond. It's not a boast, it's not me saying that I am definitely better, but it's fact. Every peer I have encountered has looked at my work and has either embraced me or tried to put me down. That's how we started our friendship. In the weeks to come I noticed that everytime I came to that school Mitch would be downstairs to say hi to me, then ask me what art I had done lately, and invite me upstairs so he could show me what art he's done. He would praise me nonstop about how young I was and how talented I was--he would tell me "I just went home the other day and looked at my stuff I did at your age...and I was nowhere near where you are now". I was the only person who would come to his studio just to say hi, since I noticed that he was pretty much working 24/7 and had nobody to talk to. I knew he was married but I never saw his wife come by. All i wanted to do was to give him some sort of comfort fr loneliness since it's something i've been acquianted with for most of my life. We would start playing games together on his computer, and laugh and joke, and then things started getting weird. He would ask me about my past bfs, he would start hugging me and tickling me, which was very weird to me. I didn't like it but I didn't protest...I would just go home. For a while I stopped seeing him because of it. I just didn't like where it was heading, but it's true I've developed feelings for him during the course of our friendship. He was an extremely smart man, joked around a lot, read a lot so his diction was more than most people could comprehend, and was loved by everybody.

    His wife started coming by and I had no problem with that, but there was a hint of jealousy from my part. Normal I said, just don't do anything with the guy. I notcied he was jealous everytime he saw me with a male friend of mine, normal I said, as long as it doesn't lead to anything. We spoke again but more and more, throughout the course of five months our relationship deepened and we consummated 2 weeks after I was 18.

    After that night, I had no ideaaa what I did. After that night he kept saying over and over "this is wrong, we have eto stop" . And I said okay. But we didn't stop. He kept persuing me, and I kept letting him. But then he started saying a lot of things about his wife, that he loved her and that he doesn't love me, that he gets jealous of her and not with me, and that he feels that theirmarriage is on the rocks and that she doesn't touch him like she used to and that she's been running their credit cards in high water and asking for a new baby. I didn't know what to say except try t o help him. It hurt, but I told him he should try to rekindle their relationship and surprirse her with a vacation; he was never home and I told him he needs to be there with his kid; he needed to be there for them, to stop working so damn much cuz he made a looot of money that most people can't make in five years and that he COULD cut off his workload. He said I was right, I was right, but he never did anything to change it. He just kept on persuing me and we kept on the relationship. I feel so deep in love with him I didn't want it to end. I knew it would one day, but I didn't know... when. I never asked him for anything. I did ask him to call me to talk to me but he always refused. One day he told me he was moving with his familiy to seattle, and I was crushed. He siad we had to stop before he felt anything for me so...I agreed. For two weeks to come I would not talk to him. But he didn't like it and tried to get me to talk to him by offering me jobs other clients have given him...I took it...and we started again...Aftera little while he did not want to separate and nor did I. Rather, it would be " we can't get caught otherwise I can't see you" "when I head up to seattle i'll come down and call you and we can visit each other". He stopped talking about his wife because it bothered me. He asked me if we wanted to end this relationship "when I find a new boyfriend". I laughed and told him then it would never happen.

    Basically...We decided to stop again because his wife wanted him home early and he consented now. She wanted to have a new baby but he still held back. So he tried to avoid me everytime and go home early, and I grew very depressed. I knew that it would happen sooner or later, and I never meant to try to break their relationship up in any way. His wife was beautiful and an artist as well, and she, in my eyes and many others, was of no competition to those around her. All I wanted was to be friends with him. I wished I would've expressed that...

    After a while I got fed up with him not talking with me and I came by to show him my artwork. We didn't speak like we usd to, friendly and without barriers--there was so much tension. I couldn't stand it...but when he saw my art, he couldn't stop smilling. He kept saying over and over but i'm so young, no one is that good. No one is that good. He kept smilling and lookin at me and started talking to me again, and we were back to how we were used to. It was when we started kissing, though, that it happened all over again. He todl me how funny it was that once we started kissing everything feel back like it used to be. We started up again...and the next time we did he started telling me he loved me. I had told him these words before but have never received the same back. But now he was telling me he loved me, he loved me, he loved me, and started calling me his honey and sweetheart. I was freaked out. And it was odd, coming from him. He would never tell me such words and in fact would tell me "you can't love me, i'm not married to you". We got caught that night by another studio guy... but he didn't back down. He said we were still to see each other, and not to worry. During that time the school was going through a harsh time, and people knew it might go down.

    The last time I saw him, it was two weeks after he had a vacation with his wife. At this point I was so in love with him I was dying that he went on this venture with his wife, but I never said anything. He called me we and we met up after, but that was the last time. When I asked when's the next time I could see him, he said a week--and I was overjoyed. We usually saw each other every two weeks or so, but this time it was sooner. He saw my happiness and got scared. He asked me if I wanted to ruin his life over and over again...I never wanted to do such a thing.

    Weeks passed, and the school closed down. I called him three weeks after but he told me school's going thorugh a ahard time. I asked him when I could see him again, and he said next week. I called him in a week and he said he couldn't, somethings up, he's got to go.

    And i never heard from him again. That was it. All during the course of my relationship I became very depressed and I started to neglect my family and social life, slowly but surely it ended. After this I spent all my time ata home, I quit college and received F's' when i had A's and B's. I just sat at home and cried the whole day. I cried, and I cried, and I cried. I didn't know why he wouldn't leave me with some sort of closure, soemthing, some explaination--that was all that I wanted, and somethign I believed I deserved. Everybody in any sort of intimate relationship received some sort of closure, even if you found out fr a cheating husband/wife...there was some sort of closure. But our relationship ended just like that. I called him again in two months and he sounded so different. Voice was gruff, and he said he had to go when I had asked him "why couldn't you have told me...you wanted to end it?". I called him again the next night and asked to see him, and he told me he and his wife was back together again,a nd that they have a business together, and that I was never to call hima gain or he'd change his number, and that he never wanted anything to do with me again and that I was crazy, I was crazy, he had no idea what I was talking about. THat was it. After two months that our relationship ended he got back, just like that.

    He left me with no words and I knew now he did not respect me. So i felt worthless, no, I still feel very worthless. He pretended like nothing had happened...but when i pushed him eh said "when the school was up we were friends. that was it". So i know now that I was just convienent , that was why he kept the relationship. He had no intention of acknowledging me after the school closed down. Later on I found out that during thsoe two months he took his wife for a month long vacation to tahiti and that she was pregnant, and that they were staying here and gutting their house for 100k.

    I never wanted to hurt him, i never wanted to break his marriage apart. I only , in the end, wanted to be his friend. I said the worst thing was if that he todl me he neverw anted to hear from me again. And it happened.

    It's nearly been a year but I have not yet recovered. I am 19 and I have not even really gone to college. I can't commit to anything. I Fear that if I put my time and energy it will bite my arse and I'll just find out it was all to waste. I am depressed. I cry, still, but not as often. But i do cry over nothing, sometimes over loneliness. I lost all my friends because I don't feel the will to call them or talk to them...so they stopped calling. I don't feel self confidence, I don't feel self worth. I just feel like a used piece of meat.

    Tell me, how do you get closure from something like that? i knwo it has to come from within myself but...I have never felt anythign for anyone to that degree before. And i never knew someone could be so cruel. I have under gone relatoinships, and I did get over them like any normal person. But with this one I can't seem to get over it. I feel so old...when I go out. I just want to be happy. I just want to know that someone will appreciate me...but when someone like him appreciated all my talents more so than anybody else I knew, motivated me, even tried to get me jobs and help with my port, and suddenly throw me away .... I don't know. Please, tell me .

  2. #2
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    Re: An Odd Affair--very,very long.

    You may require therapy to put this behind you, jayne. You're not the perpetrator here. You're the victim. You were only 18 years old. At that age, we really have very little knowledge of the world, and we can't spot barracudas like this man. So, when they strike, we're taken in by them. You're not the first, and you certainly won't be the last, unfortunately.

    Try to realize that what happened is now in the past. The person you were then is not the person you are now. You've learned from that experience that not everyone can be trusted. Now, you have to also realize that just because some people can't be trusted doesn't mean that ALL people are untrustworthy. You found a bad apple. There are more good apples in the world than bad apples.

    Have you seen a therapist? If not, is that a possibility for you? I have a feeling that, if you can talk with someone you can put this behind you and move on with a happy, healthy, fun-filled life.

  3. #3
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    Re: An Odd Affair--very,very long.

    I had thought about therapy...months after the last phone call with him I went for a check up, wanting to ask for a some sort of medication or therapist. But the doctor kept checking my heart, and kept asking me if I've had any heart problems before. She then freaked out and concluded I needed to go see the cardiologist w/o asking me how my mental health was. I knew why my heart was straining and it was because I was depressed...but after that appointment for some reason I just didn't want to. I didn't want to tell her why I was depressed because it shames me.


    I've talked with my friends before of this but they only understand to a degree about it, since some of them never really had a bf/gf before. They just feel like i'm being too emo and I should get over it quickly, so I pretend i'm past it.

    I might look into it...it's just very shameful for me. And it's hard for me to talk about it, I get too emotional. I'm ashmed because I still truly miss him. And I know I was just used. I feel that I would benefit more from talking with someone who has the same experience, but I don't know where I could go for that.

  4. #4
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    Re: An Odd Affair--very,very long.

    There may be others here who have had a similar experience, jayne. Besides, there's really no reason for you to feel shame. The one who should feel shame is the man involved in all this. He took advantage of you AND his wife. He was dishonest and devious. That's where the shame belongs.

    I'd also like to reassure you that therapists can really help with things like this. An experienced therapist has heard it all and they know the best ways to cope with the feelings brought on by traumatic events in our lives. While it's not easy to unload our problems on someone whom we might consider a stranger, once we can bring ourselves to do so with a therapist the outcome is well worth that initial risk, believe me!

    Good luck to you, jayne. You're really doing quite well. You've been able to come here and tell about your pain. That's a great big step!

  5. #5
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    Re: An Odd Affair--very,very long.

    Hi Jayne,

    I had a similar experience when I was 21, he was several years older and married. I'm 38 now, the same age he was, and I find it odd looking back now with more experience - I actually find it a little more difficult to understand what he was thinking.

    As for closure and moving on, it came slowly for me. With all the secrecy I couldn't talk about it, I felt ashamed and felt I didn't deserve or need the "girl talk" someone has when they go through a break-up. I talked to a therapist briefly. He was a grad student at the University counselling service. In my mind he didn't want to discuss it since I had broken off the relationship and he thought I was over it. I should have talked to him more about it however, and let him know that it was really bothering me. It wasn't his fault. I would recommend talking to someone. It's easier said than done, I know, but it will help.

    I know whenever I tried talking to someone about it, I felt judged. I never felt quite up to par with all my friends, they all seemed so pure and perfect, they had the moral high ground. Just like you said at the end of your e-mail, "I feel so old", I felt like I was eighty.

    It took me a long time to feel somewhat normal again, and to be honest, I still feel guilty and I do wonder what happened to him. He just disappeared for me too. After all that intensity, it's gone like a puff of smoke. But time will help and I wish I had talked more and realized I wasn't the first woman to sleep with a married man. That it does happen, it's not a good thing but it does happen.

    Anyway, I'm not sure if this helped or not, there is much more to the story. And I could write a lot more, but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone and you will get past this.

    Take care,

    jm

  6. #6
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    Re: An Odd Affair--very,very long.

    Jayne, I just read your account, and I agree with TL & jm that if you can manage your way into therapy, it will be helpful. When I talk to the therapist I have now, I often leave with the feeling that I am heading with hope in the direction of my future, and the past ceases to have such a grip on me.

    He did take advantage of you, you know. He used his status, and the fact that everyone looked up to him, as devices to get to the girl he wanted. And the fact that the relationship was consummated only two weeks after you were 18 ought to tell you something.

    This doesn't mean that your Art is not good--you know that it is good, and he knew it too. I suspect he was very taken by your Art. But much of the great Art in the history of this world has been prompted by deep emotional pain in the artist, and it might be that this will be a good time for you to channel some of these painful feelings into more of your work. That's only a guess, though.

    I also think that the sooner you can cast aside the shame and guilt you have been feeling over this affair, the better. We all make mistakes, and this was a hard one, but you were under considerable influence from this man whom you admired and probably idolized. It does not mean you are a bad person.

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