I'm a 32 year-old single mother of two. I've been dx'd with Bipolar Disorder/OCD/PTSD and am currently taking Lamictal to handle symptoms. My 9 year-old son has also been dx'd with Bipolar Disorder/ADHD.
My childhood was very extreme; physical/emotional abuse and emotional neglect by both parents, mostly my mother. Lots of self-blame, guilt, doubt. I suppose after hearing about other's childhoods, I didn't think that mine was that bad. I've felt that I either made too much of it in my mind or that I deserved it. Yet, the feelings are still there; that I'm bad, unworthy, unlovable, damaged in some way.
Of course, this led to many, many other unhealthy relationships over the years.
I am currently renting a house with my mother, which causes me no end of distress. I still walk on eggshells around her, trying not to set her off. She is very passive-agressive in her abuse. She's extremely negative and rarely has anything "nice" to say about me. She likes to tell people of my faults, tell me constantly how I'm doing this or that wrong, make me feel as if I couldn't do without her. She's always had a habit of ignoring me if I upset her (usually by walking away from me), she's never been what I would call nurturing, supportive or demonstrative. There have been many, many times in my life when I went to her for something, anything only to be told "I don't know what to say".
I started cutting at 12. This went on until my mid-twenties. I've also struggled with drug/alcohol abuse until around the same time.
I've recently begun to cut again. My living situation, along with past abuse, has created a maelstorm of emotions that I'm having a hard time dealing with. I'm also in a relatively new relationship, that is the most healthy that I've ever experienced. He is the most supportive, caring man that I have ever met and has been very helpful. This does bring up a lot of trust and abandonment issues however. My cutting has not been as severe as in the past; I used to use a razor blade but am now using a dull knife. I can't seem to help myself stop, though. Everything gets out of control and there seems like no other option.
I need to know if there's any hope of getting better. I suppose that I don't see my being (or deserving to be) happy but I want to do something to help myself.