can a nightmare be filled with such sweet things? gentle touches, playful attitude of those who want one another, but are to shy to admit it? these are pleasant things, right? unless you wake up shaking from seeing your boyfriend doing the above descibed things to someone else, with you right next to them.
in my dream, he seemed as though he wanted me to accept it, to be involved maybe. but he still had the rudeness and inconsideration of the fact that he was going to do it no matter what i said. all that i can remember, though, is him toucing her softly. looking her in the eyes. playing with her hair. and it turns out that when he looked her in the eyes, i hurt the worst.
i woke up so angry, so full and powerful inside, and just as frustrated because i'm so weak outside and i had no way to expel my anger. whenever i try to talk to brandon about these things, he thinks i'm being a bitch and trying to give him guilt trips.
i recently found some of his old writing while on the computer, one of which an "obituary" where he planned out his entire life, with the girl he was with before me. he "happily married her" and they had "many children"- and he died of heart failure when someone killed her. good story. he wrote it in high school, but it still hurt to read it now. badly.
and on that same jolly day i found a piece of art made for her. (also made in high school.) it was the exact same thing that he gave me as (art he made , inspired by me.) i didn't know he went around giving every girl universes, no scratch that, a universe.
all the time my love grows deeper for the one i'm with, and i am beginning to believe that it causes smaller issues to become even bigger. i once thought that the longer i am with him, some of these things might start going away. but now i am starting to think that they will get worse. i'm the kind of person who is terrified of commitment, so if i get in one it can't be a mistake. i refused to date anyone seriously until i met brandon...i guess what i'm getting at is, i am very much a believer in the importance of true love, so when i did fall in love-it became everything to me. i get obcessive over things, thus the dreams i suppose. i'm just expecting him to be that ******* from my past who betrayed my trust in any way possible. i didn't know the meaning of denial until after that guy. he has ruined relationships from his place in my memory.
well...i suppose this was better than waking him up to yell or breaking something.