nightmares?

[Rusaalka]

can a nightmare be filled with such sweet things? gentle touches, playful attitude of those who want one another, but are to shy to admit it? these are pleasant things, right? unless you wake up shaking from seeing your boyfriend doing the above descibed things to someone else, with you right next to them.

in my dream, he seemed as though he wanted me to accept it, to be involved maybe. but he still had the rudeness and inconsideration of the fact that he was going to do it no matter what i said. all that i can remember, though, is him toucing her softly. looking her in the eyes. playing with her hair. and it turns out that when he looked her in the eyes, i hurt the worst.

i woke up so angry, so full and powerful inside, and just as frustrated because i'm so weak outside and i had no way to expel my anger. whenever i try to talk to brandon about these things, he thinks i'm being a bitch and trying to give him guilt trips.

i recently found some of his old writing while on the computer, one of which an "obituary" where he planned out his entire life, with the girl he was with before me. he "happily married her" and they had "many children"- and he died of heart failure when someone killed her. good story. he wrote it in high school, but it still hurt to read it now. badly.

and on that same jolly day i found a piece of art made for her. (also made in high school.) it was the exact same thing that he gave me as (art he made , inspired by me.) i didn't know he went around giving every girl universes, no scratch that, a universe.

all the time my love grows deeper for the one i'm with, and i am beginning to believe that it causes smaller issues to become even bigger. i once thought that the longer i am with him, some of these things might start going away. but now i am starting to think that they will get worse. i'm the kind of person who is terrified of commitment, so if i get in one it can't be a mistake. i refused to date anyone seriously until i met brandon...i guess what i'm getting at is, i am very much a believer in the importance of true love, so when i did fall in love-it became everything to me. i get obcessive over things, thus the dreams i suppose. i'm just expecting him to be that ******* from my past who betrayed my trust in any way possible. i didn't know the meaning of denial until after that guy. he has ruined relationships from his place in my memory.

well...i suppose this was better than waking him up to yell or breaking something.

[sammy]

i'm just expecting him to be that **** from my past who betrayed my trust in any way possible

that's a problem, isn't it?
(If not 'the' problem...)
Not sure how that can heal in you, except with someone trustworthy giving you plenty of time and reason to trust them...
the trouble is... when we feel insecure, we can almost end up pushing someone in a new relationship away from us (before they get the chance to do the dirty on us)
I know for myself...I had to make sure I totally forgave from the heart, those in my past who betrayed me...
Then I was able to start again, with fresh trust...and hope...

[Rusaalka]

i'm just expecting him to be that **** from my past who betrayed my trust in any way possible

that's a problem, isn't it?
(If not 'the' problem...)
Not sure how that can heal in you, except with someone trustworthy giving you plenty of time and reason to trust them...
the trouble is... when we feel insecure, we can almost end up pushing someone in a new relationship away from us (before they get the chance to do the dirty on us)
I know for myself...I had to make sure I totally forgave from the heart, those in my past who betrayed me...
Then I was able to start again, with fresh trust...and hope...

yes, i have tried it all. i was hoping it would be that easy, to forgive and forget and then i could move on, start fresh. but it just isn't that "hollywood" for me. and i did consider that i was pushing him away, but now i know that is not at all what it is. i want him to be more close than is possible, ha. i'm expecting him to be the **** from the past because he's a guy, not because of how he acts. and it isn't "me" who expects it, it's my subconsious, considering my dreams. i usually know what's going on, i just can't handle the pain and anger that is caused. that's why if i ever actually got insurance and actually got therapy, i wouldn't want to be seen as as a"patient"...but i would want them to be very straightfoward with me, about the things they suspect and such.

[David Baxter]

Sammy's correct -- these dreams are a reflection of what you are worrying about, both consciously and subconsciously, awake or asleep -- that Brandon will turn out to be just like that other guy.

On the other hand, just as whatever experiences you had before you met him have nothing to do with him, any experiences or feelings he had, or letters or stories he wrote, before he met you cannot possibly be a betrayal of you. I have had a few relationships in my life and I have certainly been in love (enduring and long-term) at least twice -- that has nothing to do with how I feel about my current partner -- it doesn't detract in the least from my love for her, anymore than her previous marriage has anything to do with her feelings for me. Your life with Brandon did not begin until you met; it is only what has happened since that day that counts in terms of your relationship.

i woke up so angry, so full and powerful inside, and just as frustrated because i'm so weak outside and i had no way to expel my anger. whenever i try to talk to brandon about these things, he thinks i'm being a ***** and trying to give him guilt trips.

I suspect that this may be a matter of how you talk to him about "these things". You say, "I woke up so angry, so full and powerful inside" and
"weak outside and I had no way to expel my anger" -- it's not hard to understand why he wouldn't want to listen if you are talking about a dream while you are feeling all that anger and expressing some of that anger, because he would be feeling attacked for something he didn't do. He might find it easier to listen if you were more trying to describe how fearful or worried or insecure the dream made you feel, in a clearly non-threatening or -blaming way.

and on that same jolly day i found a piece of art made for her. (also made in high school.) it was the exact same thing that he gave me as (art he made , inspired by me.) i didn't know he went around giving every girl universes, no scratch that, a universe.

Well, he "built a dream" with his previous girlfriend and it didn't "come true" -- now he's trying to build that dream with you. It could be that he gave that to you because the art has a new meaning for him now, namely you, and he wanted to share it with you. It's not necessarily a bad thing...

all the time my love grows deeper for the one i'm with, and i am beginning to believe that it causes smaller issues to become even bigger. i once thought that the longer i am with him, some of these things might start going away. but now i am starting to think that they will get worse.

not necessarily -- however, as you let down your guard and start to commit to a relationship and start to trust more, it may at first bring up old fears even more strongly -- this is just a reflection that you are committing more and therefore the relationship means more to you and the potential hurt from losing the relationship becomes greater -- thus your anxiety/worry/fear about something going wrong becomes greater... for a while: it's a stage in the evolution of trust in this relationship and in time you should find that your fears decrease as your trust grows stronger.

i'm the kind of person who is terrified of commitment, so if i get in one it can't be a mistake

and this is the problem you are having currently -- afraid to totally commit in case it's "a mistake" and you get hurt again...

he has ruined relationships from his place in my memory.

but you must continue to try, as you are doing now, not to let that experience ruin all relationships for you - he was just one person, clearly not a good person to you or for you.

i usually know what's going on, i just can't handle the pain and anger that is caused. that's why if i ever actually got insurance and actually got therapy, i wouldn't want to be seen as as a"patient"...but i would want them to be very straightforward with me, about the things they suspect and such.

Any competent therapist will do this, Rusaalka. Actually, "patient" is a term used more by medical doctors; most psychologists, social workers, etc., prefer the term "client" -- you are a person with some problems or concerns you wish to resolve and you go to a counselor or therapist for advice and assistance...

[sammy]

Sorry Rusaalka
I know none of it is 'Hollywood' , nothing worthwhile is :), and also, that it is not your 'conscious feeling' that he is like 'one' in the past, but your subconscious.

[Rusaalka]

Sorry Rusaalka
I know none of it is 'Hollywood' , nothing worthwhile is :), and also, that it is not your 'conscious feeling' that he is like 'one' in the past, but your subconscious.

it's quite alright, we're here to try and help each other, right? thanks for your input.=)