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  1. #1
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    My mother hits her face...

    how should i deal with my mother who hits her face constantly and is constantly unhappy? She feels so badly about herself that everything i do is translated as some kind of attack against her and results in a round of face slapping, usually until her face is bruised and swollen. I am finding it increasingly hard to live with and am not sure what to do. I have recommended that she go get help, approaching it in a caring way but she has only gotten angry and accused me of hating her and thinking she is "sh**." :-(...

    my brother is developmentally delayed at 22, and my father and her do not get along well and fight constantly. It is unusual for them to get along, and rarely happens. I finally told her last friday, that she should consider getting help, but she only got angry with me and continued to hit herself. She said she was suicidal and that she hates herself, and that i think, is what drives her to hate me (she thinks that i think she is a terrible mother, etc, all of which i have never thought...) She has not spoken to me since.. it is now saturday night...

    I have told her that i only wished she would get some help because i care about her, and she has told me to "shut the eff up" and that i dont really care because i think everyone is better than her. she is convinced that i think every other mother is better than her...

    Ive bought her gifts that were placed on a shelf, like glass plaques and the like, and she has smashed all of the gifts that ive bought her.. and she has killed my fish (over the summer) claiming that since i didnt care for it, it didnt matter.

    I'm only 17, so what do i know about hitting yourself and.. you know, things of that sort.. i just know that.. she is never happy with anything that i do, and i swear i have never tried harder at anything in my life. it hurts so much to feel like nothing you do is good enough, and that your hated for reasons that you cant understand... She tells me to just leave with my dad and she is acting like i have done something wrong because i told her that she needs to get help. She is acting like i am a terrible child. Nothing good that I have done has ever mattered or ever been good enough to please her. I am 15th in my class out of about 450 students, (i am a junior in high school), i do not smoke pot, i have never drank, i have been dating a boy for 2 years and 2 months and have not had sex, i play the violin (taught myself) I ran cross country making varsity my sophomore year, and i got a 5 on my bio AP test, and none of it matters. None of it at all, the only thing that matters to her is "me thinking she is a bad mother, and me being a bitch because of all the things i think of her" I dont understand it, and i dont think that i want to live here anymore. In July i will be 18 and i have considered leaving. Maybe when i am gone she will see how she treated me and realize she needs to change. The only problem with moving out is that I am afraid. Not sure whether I can be that independent... I would be living with a friend and their family of course, but it will be hard.. Maybe too hard for me to do.. I dont know...

  2. #2
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    welcome to psychlinks kimberly. i am very sorry for what you must be going through. you sound like a very caring and concerned daughter. you are right that your mother needs to get help, but unfortunately if she is not willing to consider it i do not think there is much you can do. she sounds like she is depressed and angry, and part of the problem with depression is that people have a distorted, negative view of themselves. they believe a lot of things that just aren't true, and in this case, your mother believes you think she's the worst mother in the world. i could be wrong here but i suspect she feels like she is the worst mother in the world and is projecting it on you.

    i can tell you from experience that if you are a mother and you are depressed, there can be a lot of feelings of guilt towards your children.

    i hope that you realize that none of this is your fault. you could achieve the most amazing things til you are blue in the face, but your mother will still have this unrealistic belief that you don't care, etc. it's nothing you did. it's what depression is doing to her.

    moving out and away from this environment might be a good break for you. have you considered speaking with a school counsellor about your home life? they may be able to advise you what to do and how to cope, and may have better input around the moving away from home idea.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  3. #3
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    Ladybug-
    thanks so much for your care and concern.. I dont really know what else i could do for her, and ive become angry enough to consider leaving. I dont know if it is anger or just that theres now a hole in my heart that cant be fixed due to what shes said and how shes acted.. ive talked to a counselor at school, and she has said much of what you have said. I just dont know how much longer i can deal with her.. another three months and ill be 18, but these three months will be long and hard, especially with AP tests, SATs, and finals.. :-/
    thanks so much for your help though, it means a lot.. <3

  4. #4
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    you're probably feeling both anger and sadness, and that's understandable. i know this is hard, but try to understand that the things she says and does are caused by depression. it's the disease that is doing this, not her.

    i am glad you've gone to see the counselor at school already. you need support wherever you can get it.

    have you considered moving out before your 18th birthday so that you could at least try to focus on your exams? is there any reason you are wanting to wait until your birthday?

    feel free to come and post here. that is what this forum is for.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  5. #5
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    Welcome to Psychlinks Kimberley.

    First it's important to realize the situation in your home is not your fault. It's a common conclusion children tend to make in a home where the relationship between the parents is strained.

    To make matters worse, you are being told you are the cause of the trouble and you have not received the validation you deserve for your achievements.

    Unfortunately your parents have issues between them, and it appears that you have been made the scapegoat.

    When dealing with people who act in an irrational manner, you cannot let yourself respond with a normal emotional response. Someone else's irrational behaviour should not influence your emotions or judgment.

    It's for this reason, as Ladybug has suggested, try getting a counsellor at school to help provide you with a balance in perspective.

    It's hard to advise anyone to leave home, which is a decision you need to make on your own, but two considerations are your personal safety and your personal mental health.

    At some point you need to take charge of what sounds like a very bright future for you, based on your achievements to date.

    Do you have a trusted family member, spiritual counsellor or school counsellor or even family physician you can confide in?

  6. #6
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    Ladybug and TSOW:

    Thanks so much for your help, your advice and opinions are worth more than you know..

    Ladybug, you asked why i am waiting to leave; i have to wait because legally i cant go, unless i get other people involved, but i dont want that.. you know? I think ill stay with a friend when im 18, when im legally allowed to and there are no ways of making me come home, or ways of getting others involved in this.. The school psychologist has told me that my mom needs help, and its likely she wont get it, so i just need to deal with myself. But its hard, i have lost all confidence in myself and i have severe anxiety. Maybe it is not severe, but i feel sick everyday, my heart races often, my hands sweat, and im exhausted 75% of the time. Ive become so anxious all the time that i avoid hanging out with friends, and just want to sleep.. Thanks to the both of you, i really appreciate it. I just wish i could leave now, and focus on school for the time being, but i think i will need to just bear with it until July.... :-/

  7. #7
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    i am wondering if maybe you are starting to have some signs of depression yourself. have you mentioned these things to the counsellor? are you getting more help from her or was it just a one time visit? i would encourage you to seek help for yourself for the anxiety and the exhaustion you are experiencing.

    take care and hang in there.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  8. #8
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    I have tried to talk to my mother, but her only reply was "Stop blaming everything on me, just stop worrying about school"
    I never blamed it on her, i just wanted some help...

    Theres not a lot the counselor at school can do for me.. I have a full schedule and i cant miss classes.. :-/

    Again, thanks so much for your support.. My boyfriend is doing so much for me, and at times like this, people like you and him really help make life seem better.

  9. #9
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    do you think you could talk to your family doctor about your current health and mental well-being?

    i am glad you have the support of your boyfriend. that is something you have going for you.
    ~ our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising each time we fall - confucius
    ~ it is the journey, not the destination, that matters
    ~ keep hanging on, the sun will come shining through for you again

  10. #10
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    Re: My mother Hits her face...

    Hi Kimberly and welcome to Psychlinks

    I don't have a lot to add to what Ladybug and TSOW said except to say that I agree with them that continuing to talk with your school counsellor and psychologist is well worth it even if it means missing a class or two.

    I don't think that any of us can say this enough that this is definitely NOT your fault. Her outbursts, reactions and blame is really all about her and has nothing to do with you.

    I can only image how difficult this is for you especially given that your parents don't get along as well but if you are intent on not leaving until your 18, just try your best to surround yourself with people that are caring and understanding until then.

    Take care

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