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  1. #1
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    Fear of... commitment?

    From as long as i remember , i was a boy with lots of phobias.Most of them i overcame as time went by while fighting with them in my mind.. I've made lots of progress ... in some areas. It seems one is left , probably the most important.


    I have no fear of rejection when i flert a woman..I can handle this game with ease , i've been talking to unknown women in the street since i was 16 , and now , 24 , i can say i'm pretty cool on the 1st stage part..I dont have a problem with some girl rejecting me at this timestage.

    Problems start some dates later.. Although i like to flert with lots of women , i really need to know someone "loves me" , i need this feeling , i need to give and receive love , affection , devotion , and all.. But at the same time these feelings scare the hell out of me.
    How this is expressed?Well,2,3 or 4 dates after going out,or usually after the 1st time i have sex with this woman i begin to feel anxious . I get up early in the morning , i feel trapped , i feel exposed.. I'm afraid of being tricked , think consistently that this 'relation' will end , and panic. I dont function normally , i'm not cool , relaxed , i'm not myself.
    I feel i am two guys : One who finds FLERT as a SOLUTION to everything and the other one who really needs to receive and give love but sets so many barriers that doesnt let this happen.

    Most of the times i end up finding reasons (sometimes real sometimes not) to end the relationship.And lots of these times i feel sad this happened.I'm 24,i have had like 15 gf's and longest relationship lasted like 3-4 months.

    I'll add some extra info , just this for now... tell me what you think..

  2. #2
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    Re: Fear of..commitment?

    Hi!

    From what you describe I am thinking that maybe you are not exactly afraid of commitment. You enjoy flirting but I didn't read in your post that it is the pursuit of flert that leads you to braking up. Rather I read that you are afraid that the other person will betray or abandon you, or that the other person will hurt you with some way...I think that in front of such a possibility you feel so vulnerable and so afraid that you yourself make this possibility a reality.
    Just my thoughts of your letter.Maybe all of them are wrong.

    Kisses,
    Persephone.

  3. #3
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    Re: Fear of..commitment?

    Here we are, 1 year and a month or so, facing the same problem.

    Persephone , i think your last phrase was to the point.

    Lately, i have been making progress. I have been more self-confident so the possibility of being "dumbed" isn't that scary.

    But recently, i ended a relationship maybe for the same reason again. I'm definate that feelings of the girl changed quickly after the 1st month or so, so my worries HAD reason in them, but still , i feel i could try more.

    For the relationship to work, i would need to make a journey to another country. That scared the hell out of me because i would be in a new country facing the MAJOR possibility of the end of the relationship there.

    I didnt do the journey and the relationship ended.

  4. #4
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    Re: Fear of..commitment?

    I can only imagine how terrifying this journey must have seemed to you, especially with the underlying fear of being dumped in a foreign place. On the other hand, you say that this time some things have changed. You have been more self-confident and you had reason to worry because you noticed that the girls feelings have changed. So definitely yoy are not where you had been in the past, are you?
    I would like to ask you something. What would have happened if you were dumped? What is the worst possibility?

  5. #5
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    Re: Fear of... commitment?

    Persephone!

    I hadn't notification on , so i didn't see your message earlier! I hope you read mine soon.

    Well , i am..afraid... that i couldn't handle it. It's already too hard to handle over here, still , one month after the breakup...

    I can't describe the feeling. It's panic, terror. And since the possibility that the end of the relationship would happen soon was big, i felt even more terrified. And the fact that i would have done this trip added an extra weight to the decisions. I would have invested even more emotionally.

    I have to add, that i recently spoke to my X and she said she realized when she saw things more clear, that we had issues from the beginning and we weren't ideal or even good partners for each other.
    So then i asked her , well , so , you're saying that my decision not to come to your country was right afterall ? Of course she didn't have anything to say to that... She just said 'well, you just didn't come. simple as that'.
    I feel like she loaded me with guilt. Like a game. When i tried to break up with her while she was here, and she herself recognized that we had problems, she said "i can't handle it" and she didn't let me end it. Now that she went over there, it seems she could handle it better. I feel kindda tricked. I actually convinced myself that i would go there and try... I fooled myself that things would change.

    With her, it's the first time in my life, after a lot of dates, that i OPENED UP and did things and BONDED... with no fear.... I was sleeping with her most of the nights for these 3 months (i couldnt do that before) i went for vacations with her... I got even USED to sleeping with her that i can't sleep that well right now..
    The story goes: At the very beginning of the relationship i offered that i would follow her to her country because she couldn't stay here.(academic obligations) and that made me relax and forget the fact that she was going to leave. I wanted to reassure myself that "oh,ok,i'm following her so we're not breaking up".
    Fear kicked in also when i saw that she was "cool" about leaving because i already had offered that i would follow her. It's like i carried the responsibility of what would happen. I shouldn't have made these promises so early. It loaded me with extra weight. Initially it helped me to relax. but then turned bad.

    I did a lot of thinking and talking with my friends. I think i am based my WHOLE SELF on that relationship cause i fell so quickly in love, and i didn't keep anything for me. I was so hungry for love (as she was). I am actually not that active as a person, i don't work -yet- (soon though) , so i think that with time i got attached to her too much. Bonded in an abnormal way. For what it's worth, i felt really good and quiet and calm when she was near me. I wanted to be with her every day and night... I feel that maybe it's too much. It's not normal.
    Last edited by Emotions_Blocked; August 10th, 2008 at 05:11 AM. Reason: forgot to add

  6. #6
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    Re: Fear of... commitment?

    What you're experiencing is not uncommon after the loss of a relationship, even the loss of a relationship that wasn't working well for you. After a breakup, we grieve not only the loss of that relationship but also the loss of the dream of what the relationship might have been or what we hoped the relationship would be.

    The anxiety you feel is a normal part of grieving those losses. It will diminish in time.

  7. #7
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    Re: Fear of... commitment?

    Most of my text was the answer to Persephones answer :
    What would have happened if you were dumped? What is the worst possibility?
    I am actually trying to detect if my fear of abandonment is messing up with my relationships , or if in THAT particular case i was "reasonable" to be scared.

  8. #8
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    Re: Fear of... commitment?

    I would start from the end of your post. You say that you had based your whole self on that relationship. Like you gave up your heart entirelly to the hands of another person. You both were love-starved so you fell both hands to the cookie jar, or something like that. That was something completely new for you, wasn't it? You say that it was the first time you let yourself to bond with another person, you entered the relationship with no fear. I realise that this was a huge step for you, wasn't it?

    I am not sure but it seems to me that the fact that she was going to return to her country, no matter what, played a significant role in this relationship. Your offer to follow her helped you initially to relax in the relationship. Somehow, it seems to me that you had the control of the relationship back then. You were sure that you wouldn't break up because you would go with her. The only way for you to break up was depending on you. Do you understand what I am saying here? Maybe it is completely wrong and inaccurate, so please correct me if this is the case.

    Afterwards, this responsibility weighted on your shoulders. It seemed like you were deciding about the fate of the relationship, am I right? When you so how cool she was, then and only then fear kicked in.

    It seems that there were some real issues and problems in this relationship, you both admited when you recently talked. But there was also a real desire and hope from both of you for this relationship to worl. You really wanted this, didn't you? And now you feel guilty because you were the one who made the decision not to go with her and break up.

    And you are trying to figure out if this decision was rational or was based in the panic you feel when you think yourself as abandoned.

    It feels like you will not survive after an abandonment, am I right?

  9. #9
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    Re: Fear of... commitment?

    Oh Persephone...
    Are you a mind reader?
    That was EXACTLY what happened :
    Somehow, it seems to me that you had the control of the relationship back then. You were sure that you wouldn't break up because you would go with her. The only way for you to break up was depending on you.
    and then
    Afterwards, this responsibility weighted on your shoulders. It seemed like you were deciding about the fate of the relationship, am I right? When you so how cool she was, then and only then fear kicked in.
    exactly!! it weighted a lot ! especially because when we both realised we had problems as I described here SHE STILL insisted on me going there , because of course it was the easy thing for her to do , than end it while she was here. I remember her saying on the last day "I think you will regret it more if you don't come than if you come".

    Yes it feels like i wont survive...... i see myself right now... she's gone since mid June, we broke up early July, and i'm still fighting it. My reality is pretty damn boring and the only remedy i can think of is get myself a new girlfriend. Although no new girlfriend seems that exciting...

  10. #10
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    Re: Fear of... commitment?

    I will add some more information to help you:

    Beginning of the relationship (after 2 weeks - 3 dates and a holiday weekend), i quickly offered to follow her initially for a month and then maybe for work or studies for a year... Then when days passed, and i wasnt getting much romance as i thought from her, and when she said "lets pass these holidays without talking about the future" i panicked! I was like "What??" "NOW she doesnt want to talk about it?" So i thought "hey..i should debate over that". "i want to see..what is SHE going to do?" "does she care??" And then i tried to ask her what alternatives we had but she was absolute. "You will have to spend a year at my country." "I have tried long distance and it doesnt work."

    After that, there was no "please come to my country...i dont want to lose you" and stuff......... so i had to push for those if i wanted to hear them...i had to ask stuff.... stuff i would like to hear from her spontaniously.

    it's an endless loop actually! Initially my decision helped me relax , but helped also HER relax ....and THAT made me anxious again. oh gosh. i'm scr**d arent i?

    Now I actually think that if i played hard to get and didn't give any promises i could even force her to stay here or i could at least have HER ask me to come..... LIKE IT SHOULD BE !

    dammit. how could i do things so wrong on that and screw the situation. Well, maybe her feelings were not true afterall so it's good that i did things how i did. I think some hints about that lie on the other post i hyperlinked above..

    You know , i was thinking : "Well, i can surely play tricks and strategies and play hard to get, but wait, if i am thinking of spending years or my life with this woman, how will that help? I'll just show EVERYTHING and be honest and open and hope that she will return back these feelings.". Well, i think she didnt. Or she couldn't.

    One friend though, advised me something :"The best way to lose something, is to want it too much". and made me worried.

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