Yes, I've experienced abuse by professionals I've gone to for help.
1) A Vancouver gynaechologist, twice, in his office and examining room when I was early pregnancy (1982) My history didn't help me to avert that, first sign of wierdness triggered my "freeze" reaction and disbelief ... I never went back, never had the abortion because of that, but would have cancelled anyways because I wouldn't have been able to go through with it when the time came.
I never came forward. Shame and fear. It always bothered me to not report him ... I just couldn't "go there" and I always wonderd if he were still practicing. I carried huge guilt for not having courage. By the way, I did absolutely nothing to encourage that sort of behavior,except perhaps he recognized a "sexual abuse victim" as easy prey.
10 years later I read an article in a paper about several women who had come forward in a class action lawsuit against this doctor. He had done the same things to them as to me. Some worse. I felt incredible relief and satisfaction to know he'd been "caught" and assumed he had JUST been caught... so... add another 11 years of extra huge guilt and shame when I thought he'd abused women for another 10 years and I couldhave PREVENTED THAT! Horrible. Well... carried that ... until I found the courage to make enquiries to reassure myself he was no longer practicing. He was middleaged in 1982. I was happy to find out he'd been reported and "disciplined/barred" a year or so after messing with me. College of physicians and surgeons sent me a photocopy of some of the "complaints' against him. Similar scenarios to my experience.
Imagine ... the long term IMPACT this man had. He's elderly now. Have NO idea if he was ever charged by police etc.
2) Therapist ... for panic disorder and agoraphobia for months. Married. We became lovers. He was "so kind" to me and helped me a lot to cope with my symptoms which were actually related to surfacing memories ... severe ones. He was extremely angry with me when I told him no more sexual relationship.
3) Psychotherapist .... 2 sessions, woman, her specialty was regressing sexual abuse survivors. I had some severe reactions to her aggressive pushing me and what she triggered ... came "to" to see her shaking like a leaf, mascara and tears running down her face, trying to light a cigarette. She was really shaking. I asked for a cigarette, which she gave me. Told her, "I have to function as asingle parent with a toddler at home. I can't do this like this. I'm all my daughter has". She got really angry at me and started literally yelling really loud that I was a cop-out and other things.Pretty vicious actually. I basically very coldly said Fine then ... if thats what I have to do to function as a mom, thats what I'll do.
I asked her if she'd ever been sexually abused as a kid. She said YES. I asked her if she were ever treated for it or worked on her sexual abuse issues. She said NO.
That explains the whole above scenario? I think so. PTSD for survivors wasn't an official category in those days. Too bad, eh? :eek:
I have one thing thats been driving me crazy wondering since that event.
The point where I lost it in that last session, she was being really deeply confrontational and at one point I started screaming at her "STOP PUSHING ME",and she reached over and pushed hard on my belly/diaphrahm
at which point I started pounding my fists on my legs yelling "Stop pusing meeeee" gasped... next thing I remember is seeing herwith th sigarette... what BOTHERS ME and what I want an answer for is THIS:
WHEN I "came to" I felt incredibly weird and I had this very DEEP and LOUD DRONING BUZZING in my head that went on for a very long time (think of the deep drone of electrical generators or cables) I felt this deep buzz in my whole body ... and yes it effected my "equillibrium" to move and walk a lot for along time. I think it took me a few hours before the buzzing finally stopped and my fear that something short-circuited in my brain.
IMPORTANT.... What the hell was BUZZING all about? I've always wanted to ask someone ... but I have this little problem with "trust" for people I go to for help. Understandably so. If anyone here has any insight, I'd be so glad to hear it.