I have been looking around this forum for a couple of hours now (not all in one day) and I’m not sure what to post this under so I thought it best fitted here.
I’ve been having a lot of problems lately with the way my life and how my moods have been going. I’ve been depressed for a while now and It’s not like me to be depressed like this for so long. When I did get depressed it lasted for the max 3 or 4 days and that only happened a couple of times. Usually I wasn’t depressed anymore by the time the next day came. But for the past 2 to 3 months I have been almost full time depressed and it’s scaring me.
I’m a senior in High School. Last year I failed a few classes due to my time away from school and I’m making them up because I need to graduate. So this year I’m really trying to concentrate but it seems I just can’t and all I do is break down and just start crying.
My mother has been so angry with me because I don’t do anything. I don’t want to talk to my mom. She’ll blow up at me if I say anything is wrong with me. I feel bad about this because I used to tell my mother everything but now I feel I can’t talk to her anymore. I can’t talk to my sister because she’ll tell my mother and the same for my brother. (I’m the youngest in my family) My mother is going through metapause and I don’t know if it’s that or if it’s just me but she’s always super angry or super nice. She’s usually only nice when we have people over or my brother comes for a visit. Any other times I feel she’s always yelling about something I didn’t do or something I need to do or something I did that was done wrong. I really don’t want to be mad at her because I know she’s going through a lot right now.
When I started to notice a problem was arising, (actually my friend noticed and pointed it out to me) I started to look for some help. And I thought I might be suffering from a fear of mine almost like a phobia. It’s embarrassing to talk about but I really thought it was a problem… and I still do. So, I started to look for some Self-help books for that and I felt completely hopeless as the only things I could find were online and I can't order stuff for myself yet. I didn’t want to ask my mother but I asked my brother but he’s busy with his school work and stuff so he’s probably forgotten by now.
So I looked again and I found this forum. I’ve looked around here and started to read. I think I’m more depressed and stressed out then suffering from my fear even though is still bothers me quite a bit.
I talked to a close online friend of mine about some of the problems and stressors and my whole phobia problem I have been going through and talking to her always makes me feel better. That is until recently. Now when I talk to her I feel like I’m dumping all my problems on her and I hate it. I don’t want her to worry but I want some kind of help. I don’t have a job so I can’t pay for anything even if I could get help. I don’t want to bother my mother, as I said before she’ll just yell at me or freak out. I’ve tried talking to some of my other friends but no one seems to really understand or they think I’m joking except my one online friend I mentioned.
I cry almost every night it seems and I almost burst into tears at school randomly. I’ve never felt so sad before. First time in my life I have ever wanted to just disappear and it scares me. I don’t believe in suicide. I’ve had many friends over the years who’ve trying to do that and I could never help them. Thankfully none of them ever went through with any of it and are now living good lives. I never want to hurt myself like that. I DO want to see what tomorrow brings. I know there’s help somewhere and even if it takes a few years I’ll get help somehow or another. I just wish I could do something now about all this. I don’t want to fail my classes. I never seem to get enough sleep. I have a driving test to take soon. And I just don’t know anymore.
Sorry this post is so long.