Hoping for some feedback...difficult situation

[amnj]

Hi all,
I am in my second marriage. I have three children from my first and my husband has two children from two different marriages before me. Forgive me if I get long winded, there is a lot to say. My 16 yo daughter decided to live with her father after my new husband moved in and my 10 and 11 yo sons live with me. My husband has a 24 yo son with whom he's had nothing to do with since the child was 3. He also has a 9 1/2 yo daughter who he has custody of. We have been together for 5 1/2 years and have been married since May of 2001. The main problem in the relationship is that he treats my children much differently than he does his daughter. He has the mentality that boys don't have feelings and don't need love and affection like girls do and the result is that my sons are constantly "on the outside looking in". His mother also plays favorites which is very hard for me to understand and accept. I have tried several times to discuss with him how he and his mother make my children and me feel but instead of discussing it we end up fighting. The fact that I have issues with the treatment of my children makes him very angry. He's resorted to calling me derogatory and sometimes downright offensive names, spitting in my face, and throwing me around and trying to choke me (this he's done twice now). The last time he told me that he was going to kill me as well. I don't feel I can ever tell him how anything makes me feel without worrying about being verbally or physically attacked. He also tells me he's leaving every time which is getting old. At times I wish that he would just do it. He's told me, in no uncertain terms, that he is a good man and the problems we have are my fault, and the way he reacts is also my fault and that I need help. I don't know maybe I do but am I wrong to try to protect my childrens feeling? I don't want them growing up thinking that they aren't good enough because they are boys or because they aren't biologically part of his family. My family has treated his child like she has always been a part of the family since day one and he has admitted that it would anger him if they had not so I don't understand where I am wrong. Please help!

[David Baxter]

My 16 yo daughter decided to live with her father after my new husband moved in

My husband has a 24 yo son with whom he's had nothing to do with since the child was 3.

he treats my children much differently than he does his daughter. He has the mentality that boys don't have feelings and don't need love and affection like girls do and the result is that my sons are constantly "on the outside looking in". His mother also plays favorites which is very hard for me to understand and accept.

The fact that I have issues with the treatment of my children makes him very angry. He's resorted to calling me derogatory and sometimes downright offensive names, spitting in my face, and throwing me around and trying to choke me (this he's done twice now). The last time he told me that he was going to kill me as well. I don't feel I can ever tell him how anything makes me feel without worrying about being verbally or physically attacked.

amnj, read the parts I have quoted above, not from the perspective of someone who is living with this man and in these circumstances but from the perspective of what you would think and want to say if it were your daughter or one of your sone in these circumstances. He is abusive. He is not only abusing you -- he is also abusing your sons. As your sons are watching this relationship, this is part of what they are learning about relationships and about women and about parenting -- obviously, these are not healthy messages for them and not the ones you want to give them.

He also tells me he's leaving every time which is getting old. At times I wish that he would just do it. He's told me, in no uncertain terms, that he is a good man and the problems we have are my fault, and the way he reacts is also my fault and that I need help.

A good man? Who spits at, throws down, chokes, and threatens to kill his wife? And then blames her for his unacceptable behavior?

No. He is not a good man. He is an abusive man. Indeed, he fits the classic profile for a male domestic violence perpetrator. HE is the one who needs help. You need rescuing from a completely intolerable situation.

I don't know maybe I do but am I wrong to try to protect my childrens feeling?

Of course not. But if you do not either find a way to ensure that he gets help for his problem -- and changes as a result of getting bthat help -- or take your sons away from him and leave him, you are not protecting them -- you are allowing him to damage them even further.

[amnj]

Thank You for such a quick reply and also for reassuring me. He tells me I'm crazy all the time and that he'll make sure everyone knows it if I leave. I guess I needed to hear someone on the outside say that I'm not.
Thanks again

[David Baxter]

That of course is part of the syndrome of the abusive man: Intimidating you and "brainwashing" you into almost believing it is your fault, or at least to the point where you are no longer certain. A lot of the abuse is about keeping you off balance -- that allows him to feel incontrol and better about his life. But don't be misled or fooled by this: This is NOT about you or about love -- it is all about what will make his life better for him.

[sammy]

Amnj
You are not crazy.
I totally agree with David.
Keep in touch, if you can.
Let us know how things go.

[amnj]

Just curious. I know that if I am able to get him to go to counseling and they tell him the same thing that you have said here, he will not go back. He'll say they're full of bs. What should be done then, if that happens? I'm not sure why but I would like to make this relationship work if it's possible.

[David Baxter]

I would like to make this relationship work if it's possible.

Can you make it work by yourself? If he chooses not to make the effort and not to make the necessary changes on his part (obviously not all of them -- you will be making changes too, no doubt), then your options are pretty limited: (1) accept things the way they are in perpetuity, changing whatever you can in yourself to make it easier to accomodate to him and to the situation, or (2) end it.

I do understand that the options you see are not very palatable. I wish I could tell you there was another easier more palatable choice. Sadly, there isn't.

[Buddhatech]

I would like to make this relationship work if it's possible.

Do you feel that way because you feel if it doesnt work you have somehow failed? I think a lot of people stay in what are BAD BAD BAD situations because of that.

As a father of three in my opinion you have to do something your children need help. They need it now.

I also think a lot of people stay in bad abusive relationships and sometimes think that "the children are almost grown" or that eventually the children will leave and it will be (the abuse) all over for them.

Your in a bad spot and I sure feel for you. I hope you can get help for yourself as well as your kids. Please keep everyone posted on how you are doing.

Just curious what line of work is your husband in?

[amnj]

He works in a factory. He never finished high school, he was kicked out for going drunk. I'm not sure what grade, I think 11th. He does have a GED though. He's ten years older than I am and I know things where a little different when he was in school than when I was. Yes, I think in part that I'm having a hard time leaving because I'll feel like a failure. I have been divorced once already after-all. I also am a full-time student and not working so he's our sole support. I think also that I'm a little afraid of what he will do if I try to leave. There's many things that play a part in making this decision very difficult.

[Buddhatech]

That sounds really rough. Were you working before you married him?