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Thread: Relationship

  1. #1

    Relationship

    Long, long story.....

    Married for almost 15yrs, 2 children, 1 girl, now 19, and son that is 14.
    I was divorced in 2000, after my husband discovered my affair, and the man that I wasn't willing to let go. I continued to see this married man until I gave him an ultimatum in Aug 2002. If he didn't leave his spouse and children, as he said he would, I would stop seeing him forever. He didn't leave and I stopped seeing him, forever.
    Friends fixed me up with a guy and I was in heaven. He was wonderful. A gentleman, fun, interesting, intelligent, witty... And, he also had one problem. A common law wife that still shared the rent with him. Their relationship was over but they were still living under the same roof, sharing the bills. Everyone assured me that it wasn't a problem, and it really hasn't been a huge issue, not to say, it doesn't bother me.

    J wanted to get engaged after 3 months of dating. Just getting out of the relationship with the married man, and not knowing all there was to know about J, I said that we should wait. Around Thanksgiving my 82 yr old mom started to get sick. Over the next 6 months, she went down-hill and passed away in April. That all put a strain on our relationship, since I was either with my children or at the hospital. No time for a relationship. J wasn't happy. But, he hung in there.
    After mom passed away, J thought that we should go to couple's therapy. I went for us and for him.
    In May, my house was up for sale, and my daughter was graduating from HS in June. The house sold, and was 10 days away from closing. I found a townhouse to rent, we moved everything, and the closing fell through, and I had to move back in my house again, loosing my deposit.
    Then at the end of June, I lost my job, company car, expense account, and a good part of my self esteem. Still going to therapy, I was in tears after every visit. Re-living everything that had happened to me in the last 6-8 months. All of the homework that we needed to do, he would do on the way to the appt. The therapy wasn't working...I told J that I wanted to take a break.


    J's background with common-law wife: met her in school while she was here studying from Japan. She's Japanese. No friends. Just had him.
    The relationship worked well. He kept her, and she stayed at home, and went to school.
    After she graduated, she got a job, made friends, and stayed at work until 8pm. Then gradually started going out with new found friends after work. Relationship crumbled.

    We're back in therapy again. Here are the reasons that he feels that we need to go to therapy.

    Doesn't like how I act when I'm around my friends.
    I drink socially, he doesn't drink anymore.
    Doesn't like to go to functions where there is drinking.
    Doesn't want me to go out with people from work for dinner afterwards or lunch with a male co-worker, even if another female is present.
    Of course, he doesn't trust me.
    Feels he will be the next, R, (my ex-husband's name).
    Can't understand why some men that I'm close with, will tell sexual things/jokes to me. Why do I allow that? (I don't have a problem with it)
    When we were dating for a while, he didn't like it that my friends called me alot, and knew what we were doing, etc.... after that my friends stopped calling me. I had to call them when he wasn't at my house.
    He doesn't want me to go out with my friends. ("your putting yourself in a bad situation")
    He wants me to work on a huge project that he's involved with, (after he's done working all day). He's renovating a large building and turning into a storage warehouse. The project is about 20-25min away from my home. He'd like for me to bring lunch, dinner, help out with some of the physical labor, and do the bookwork. (that's how I can show him that I love him)
    All I want to do is screw-off instead of working on his project.

    My issues are:
    Doesn't have time for our relationship anymore.
    Doesn't tell me he loves me unless I say it first. ( he says that he shows me by helping me out with my house, or by moving my furniture when I had to move)
    I can't do anything right.
    I sit at home and do nothing until he calls (when I used to have a very active lifestyle). If I do leave to go visit friends, he gets upset with me.
    Says things that he doesn't really mean, then gets mad("Go ahead and go to dinner with your friends")because I should have known what he truly meant.

    I could go on and on even more than I already have....but I won't unless asked.
    The psycologist said that he fills his life up with responsibilities so that he doesn't have to be intimate. He shows signs of having trouble with intimacy.
    He wants me to give up alot to be in this relationship, and he's not having to change his life too much.
    He is very insecure.
    She also said that she doesn't think that we can continue therapy since he's not following through with her suggestions. (not doing his homework again)

    There you have it.....any suggestions.
    I'm in love with this man, and would like for it to work, but am feeling defeated, lonely and depressed.

    D

  2. #2

    Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by db2kp
    I'm in love with this man, and would like for it to work, but am feeling defeated, lonely and depressed.
    Actually, you're not in love with this man.

    You're in love with the man you think he could be if he wasn't so possessive and insecure, put more effort into your relationship and into "fixing" it, demonstrated that he loves you as opposed to demonstrating that he wants to monopolize you, etc., etc.

    The bottom line is this: At the moment, he is going through the motions of couples counselling, presumably to get you "off his back" or because he is hoping it will turn out that you are the problem or because he's hoping that somehow just turning up will be enough to fix whatever is wrong, none of which is going to happen of course. If he is unwilling or unable to make some changes and to put as much effort into doing so as he puts into other things in his life, I think you'll have to accept that nothing much is going to change. Then you have to ask yourself: If this is the way this relationship is going to be for the rest of my life, do you believe you can be content with it? If the answer to that question is "no", then you have two choices: (1) give up now, leave, and look for a relationship that will be what you need, or (2) give him an ultimatum: make counselling and our relationship a priority or let it go.

    Remember: As long as you are in a "wrong" relationship (and accept or tolerate that), you cannot find or create a "right" one.

  3. #3

    Relationship

    Your response is to the point...thank you.

    "he is hoping it will turn out that you are the problem or because he's hoping that somehow just turning up will be enough to fix whatever is wrong"
    The above quote is what I've been feeling all along at these latest counciling sessions. Each time we go, it's all about what I did "wrong" this week. I even joked with the psychologist about it. She of course said that's not how she looks at it. After we're done with the session, I am so depressed and upset that all I do is cry. And, oddly enough, he's refreshed and thought it went well.
    So, about 2weeks ago, J couldn't go to an appt, and I thought I'd go alone. The psychologist agreed and said that she'd like to see me alone. At that visit she opened up about her thoughts on our relationship. I have to give up too much to be in it. When I left, I thought of how I would end the relationship. He has agreed several times that perhaps we should both go our own ways, but doesn't want to.
    I'm 44 and don't know how to diplomatically end this relationship.
    Does that sound dumb, or pathetic? I just don't know.

  4. #4

    Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by db2kp
    I'm 44 and don't know how to diplomatically end this relationship. Does that sound dumb, or pathetic?
    Neither dumb nor pathetic -- it's never an easy thing to contemplate ending a relationship, even if you are the one who is making the decision to do so. Once you decide it's something that you need to do, all you can do really is grit your teeth and do it. As for how to do it diplomatically, it might be easier to just aim for "directly and honestly", not to be confused with "brutal honesty". Let him know that you are not happy with the relationship and are at a point where you don't realistically see it changing in a way which makes you feel happier about it, that sometimes the best thing is to recognize that a relationship isn't working and leave without blame. In truth, once you have decided that you need to leave a relationship, there is nothing to be gained by debating about who is or is not at fault (although you may need to do that on your own for yhour own sense of understanding and closure).

  5. #5

    Relationship

    Great points. Thank you.
    I've received more information in your two posts than going to counciling for over a two months.

    He tends to debate everything to death, so for me not to get into it with him will be a difficult task. He sucks the life out of me with his debating. I feel so drained afterwards. I agree that there is nothing to be gained by debating about who's right or wrong,....just move forward. However, I do believe that he will keep the discussion going. I will have to use alot of stick-to-it-tiveness to get through it.

  6. #6

    Relationship

    Good luck, db2kp... let us know how you are doing.

  7. #7

    Update

    Here's an update on my situation.

    I met up with a guy that I used to date, that I hadn't seen in over 3 years. We had some catching up to do. He is in a steady 4 yr relationship now and very content. I was happy for him.
    One week when J and I were not speaking to each other, I ran into the old friend, C. I suggested that he stop by on his way home and we have drink and chat. We sat across the room from each other, and basically played catch up. About two hrs later, I get a phone call, and it's J. He's dropping off a lawnmower that was getting repaired at his cousin's business. When he called, he was in front of my house.
    Long story short, I managed to calm J down, and get C out of the house without a problem.

    J thought that something was going on, since he knows that I had a relationship with C. However, this made J come to his senses.
    He has focused on the positive aspects of our relationship, and is really working at it. He is the man that I met 2 yrs ago.

    J still has a huge trust issue and has asked that I not continue a friendly relationship with C anymore.

    I hope that we can keep moving forward, and that he will continue to be the man that I fell in love with.

    Feedback?

  8. #8

    Relationship

    Sometimes people do change -- if I didn't believe that to be true, I'd find a different profession. I hope that J's motivation to work on the relationship, based obviously on his worry about losing you to C, isn't merely a momentary thing and that he uses this to make some real changes in himself and his attitudes. However, there is still this which worries me:

    Quote Originally Posted by db2kp
    J still has a huge trust issue and has asked that I not continue a friendly relationship with C anymore.
    That still smacks of jealousy and control issues. I hope he addresses this in counselling too or you can count on additional problems down the road...

  9. #9

    Relationship

    David,

    Do you think (as I do) that it is unfair of him to ask me to not speak to a certain individual?

    He thinks about my old relationship with C, alot. He gets upset about it.

    I was never in love with C, that's why I am still friends with him.
    The men that I dated and was in love with...well, it's hard to even look at some of them, let alone be friends with them.

    I'm concerned with the trust issue. And, I have never been unfaithful during the time we've been together. It's my past that bothers him.

  10. #10

    Relationship

    Quote Originally Posted by db2kp
    Do you think (as I do) that it is unfair of him to ask me to not speak to a certain individual?
    Yes. His jealousy / lack of trust / insecurity is obviously an issue for the two of you to resolve if you are going to stay together but you really don't resolve it by forbidding your partner to see certain people.

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