I created a thread in the Anger Management forum to address issues that I have which I think prevent men from being able to love me in the long term.
However, I have a much larger picture to give here and I will be as concise as possible. I was in a long distance 2 year relationship. We would see each other every 3-4 months and visit for 8-10 day periods. We started out as platonic friends and it grew to be more quite quickly.
We stay in touch every day via phone, chatting online, and email. In this manner he has become an integral part of my everyday life. Since I have been unemployed for a very long time, I also feel like I have depended on him heavily as a friend and also a source of comfort and security.
The most unfortunate aspect of this relationship is that I fell in love with him and wanted us to commit and seriously give us a chance. He said he could not commit and wanted to be able to date other people. Part of it was his own reservations about me, and part of it is because I am the first girl he has EVER been with and he said he wants to know what other women are like. He has never had a relationship before me, he has also never had sex with anyone before me. I am his first on all accounts and he feels that already disqualifies me somewhat, especially since I do not meet his idea of what he wants to settle down with (someone younger, more attractive, sweet, happy, etc..) However, we are so close and he demonstrated so much loving affection towards me, and he made it clear that he is attached to me to an extent, I kept the hope alive that eventually he will come around and realize how great we are together. Although I knew that he was still on the lookout for another potential girl to have a serious relationship with, I held out with hope. He met girls, but it took him a couple years to find this one to ask out and risk losing me forever. He told me her name and that she is a lot like me, but 10 years younger, very thin and attractive, and they got along great. (He is 6 years younger than I am). Unlike other girls he has asked out from clubs or bars, she is a friend of a friend, and they had the opportunity to spend quality time together in a group at a theme park recently. He is very excited and smitten.
I am devastated. I love him still and my life is crumbling around me. I can't eat, I can't sleep, and these obsessive thoughts are taking over. This is the problem. Although he wanted to continue to be close friends and stay in touch I said that we cannot. Because hearing him talk about her or be happy because of her, would hurt me. I could not handle the pain. So now, not only am I in agony because all of a sudden I cannot talk to him anymore, I also cannot stop thinking of him with his new girlfriend and how they are going out this weekend. How happy he is with her instead of me. How she is going to sleep in his bed in my spot, how he will kiss her and hold her the way he did with me. How he will now turn to her to talk to and share his life with, instead of me.
It is killing me. These pictures, these horrible images. I want to rip my head open and yank out my brain to stop it. I wish I could forget him completely, forget we ever met. Somehow I had a life before him and I want it back. But thinking about him is debilitating my life - I need to focus on getting a job and pulling myself together and it just isn't happening because of these horrible thoughts are so overwhelming. They repeat over and over. It makes me feel panicky, anxious, and depressed. I cannot afford therapy this time around, and would appreciate some help and advice on how to get through this without letting it ruin my life.