I read several mental health forums and it seems most times when people get suicidal their feelings are numbed and what not. For me its the exact opposite! I freak out over every little thing and if it happens to be a big thing thats when suicide seems like the right choice. My emotions seem so extreme its overwhelming,my brain never turns off it just keeps going. I need a tv on at night or ill just sit their with my thoughts all night long which is terrible. Why am i so weird? Ive been diagnosed with dysthymia and anxiety/social anxiety. I look up dysthymia online and one called it mild depression! Why am i having such horrible problems then? Am i truly so weak that i cant even stand the mild version of depression?
Im currently taking Lexapro(30mgs) and ativan as needed(but i took them all already). I see a therapist once or twice a month but we never really talk about WHY i feel like crap. Instead he trys to get me to see im a good guy and shouldnt be so hard on myself. This isnt working one bit. You cant convince me im not a horrible person,ive done too many evil selfish things.
My main question tho is How come most suicidal people i see online are all numb and whatnot(something id kill for) and im an emotional mess feeling way too much when i am feeling like this? I even tried messing with my drugs to turn my brain off,nothing works and it just keeps getting worse.
I recently got insurance(state poor people) thats pretty good,so if you have some thoughts of what kind of therapist i might need to get i can do that. Im willing to try almost anything right now as im on the edge.