A little desperate but..

[FlightLine]

I've been diagnosed bipolar a few times, generalized anxiety disorder once, major depressive once.

I'm at the point though where everything is becoming intensely unreal. Maybe to start with there's this inability I have to ever feel presentable. It's not always ugly (though I've been preoccupied horribly with teeth color, hair thinning, skin color, thinking I had a lazy eye etc. etc.) and sometimes I even think I'm more than averagely attractive but I don't feel right in public situations. I feel somehow marked, dirty, sometimes like I need to shower, sometime like there's some horrible weakness around my eyes which is draining the life from me. It also creates an unpleasant sensation in my chest and I sort of shield it, like almost trying to walk fetally.

Whenever I'm outside I have to get quick quick to a computer or book or food or else I get this dirty feeling and even if its not there for a while as the day progresses it draws over me. Every now and then it lifts. During these times I meet people but when it comes back I avoid anyone.

Sometimes I can go for weeks without the feeling--But when this happens, I still feel as if there's some inherent inability I have, to connect with people, to understand the emotional rhythm of a conversation or event and then I'm unable to talk for fear of saying something that will show I'm not really there. And sometimes I just have no thoughts except this vague fear.

I used to be able to escape this by seclusion: reading, using the internet, video games, running alone. But for some reason everything seems awful to me and if I find something I enjoy for a second I convince there's something I could enjoy more and can't concentrate or enjoy that thing any longer.

I believed I was incredibly smart and brilliant and artistic for a long time (got real high standarized test scores, people treated me like a prodigy etc.) but then started worrying that I wasn't and now I criticize even my own thought process. If I go somewhere I think "how would an artist enjoy this, how would so and so respond" and I end up with something you can't call a stream of consciousness but more like this strange thought factory where a thought comes out, is appraised, is rejected.

Since no distractions work and I feel horribly unsafe outside I've ended up sleeping or pacing but even then thoughts keep entering my mind--Horrible ways to die, very vivid, fears of eternity, fears that I'm already in hell, fears that people I care about will be taken advantage of sexually by people more powerful than I.

If I feel like I'm doing something right I instantly, against my will, think of some other ethical code or standard that would require me to do the opposite. And so I go back and forth, paralyzed.

I've tried to seek help from therapists but I feel so powerless around people that I'm unable to speak, and everything comes out wrong--I just feel like I have to escape the situation and can't beat the feeling. It feels as if everything I've experienced has vanished and I can't remember my problems--the therapists room is my only reality.

Plus there's always the nagging sense that anything the therapist says is based on a western misunderstanding of Medicine and I've internalized all sorts of postmodern literature (foucault, Nietzsche etc.) which convincingly demonstrates that medical (and all other) institutions are concealed power structures meant to maintain a dominant order. So I honestly don't believe they can help or understand, really. But I know I need help or I'm going to snap or kill myself. Regardless, I keep going back and keep being unable to get help.

I quit school, can't concentrate on anything long enough (for some reason excepting this post) to like fill out applications for jobs. Can't organize, my thoughts feel like they're spinning in the same ruts, and I feel like a different emotion or even person every like ten minutes. I've been in this relationship with this girl who just left to go to school at Columbia but she thinks I'm like some tortured artist and loves like the eccentricity and novelty of me being near catatonic around her, nervous, and I don't know if I love her or am terrified to be without her (even though often I feel the need to get away (body thing) when Im near her, but then have to see her again as soon as im away) or if I want to be her and am living vicariously through her and she invited me to stay with her in New York, then with these other people who also see me as like some tortured artist so I'm going even though Im losing my mind and am worried Im going there to die.

Oh also there's this thing where like everything, the feeling in my chest, the weakness gets real overwhelming and I feel like im about to pass out and think about water on metal and water on flesh and flesh on flesh. Which seems like a trauma i guess but who knows im a mental disorder hypochondriac. And when I was little I was terrified of the idea of someone using mind control to force you to love them.

Wow, this ended up being a novel but I needed to say it all because if i only say a few things like with therapists I always get some cure or diagnosis that doesnt help.

Please, help, anyone?

 

[Jazzey]

Hi FL,

I'm listening...I do relate to so much of what you've posted tonight. Sometimes, seeking therapy can be more difficult than we thought. However, from your post, I wish there were some way that I could convey just how important it is for you to trust a psychologist. It took me 9 years to listen.

That's my message to you tonight -don't wait 9 years to open your ears. You're obviously quite bright...There are simply some issues that require that objective eye and guidance. We just have to be open to listen long enough to hear what's being said...

Added: and, more importantly, welcome to Psychlinks :welcome:

 

[tallshyone]

Hey Flightline,
I agree with Jazzey , I can tell you are very bright and I feel you have the ability to overcome this.

but for now ...just breathe and remember you can only control your own actions and not others ,we all worry about the people we care about because we are human and its in our nature. but we cannot help other unless we help ourselves . if that makes sense.

 

[NicNak]

First of all, :welcome: to Psychlinks FlightLine!

Sometimes I can go for weeks without the feeling--But when this happens, I still feel as if there's some inherent inability I have, to connect with people, to understand the emotional rhythm of a conversation or event and then I'm unable to talk for fear of saying something that will show I'm not really there. And sometimes I just have no thoughts except this vague fear.

I relate to most of what you wrote here. Folks on the forum know, I tend to withdraw. Even if I am trying to read a post or thread, I feel totally disconnected to the point where the words do not make sense.

I have noticed the more I try to understand it, the more fustrated I get and the more I fear I am losing my mind. Interms of folks on the forum, they know I will "come back" it just takes time.

The outside world, I understand your fear of saying something to them that will show you are really "not there". I tend to zone out a lot, to where I feel like I am on the outside of life, looking in. Almost like in a movie.

Friends understand this is a part of me. Ones who do not know me very well, they pass their judgements negatively unfortunetly. I do not have any advice on how to help you with folks who do not understand, sorry.

I used to be able to escape this by seclusion: reading, using the internet, video games, running alone. But for some reason everything seems awful to me and if I find something I enjoy for a second I convince there's something I could enjoy more and can't concentrate or enjoy that thing any longer.

I believe mine to be a combination of lack of concentration, inablility to focus and boredom (at times) Even typing this reply, it has already taken me over five minutes to collect, so far, what I have said. Then try to put it all into words that hopefully people can understand.

Since no distractions work and I feel horribly unsafe outside I've ended up sleeping or pacing but even then thoughts keep entering my mind--Horrible ways to die, very vivid, fears of eternity, fears that I'm already in hell, fears that people I care about will be taken advantage of sexually by people more powerful than I.

These are very scary thoughts, I know this as well. They take strong hold. One thing my doctor taught me and very firmly told me repeately is that, they are thoughts and that thoughts are not a reflection on my true feelings or my actions. These thoughts do not make me a bad person. It is my true feelings and actions that make up the good person I am.

Have you tried medication FlightLine? They can be very helpful to take the edge off these thoughts so that we can come to terms with what these thoughts are and learn to cope.

I've tried to seek help from therapists but I feel so powerless around people that I'm unable to speak, and everything comes out wrong--I just feel like I have to escape the situation and can't beat the feeling. It feels as if everything I've experienced has vanished and I can't remember my problems--the therapists room is my only reality.

Is it possable you just did not find a good match of a therapist? My doctor seems to have a gift for helping me to start talking. Within the first few months of after I went, I felt at such ease. There was comfort in knowing that someone actually understood what I was feeling. That someone else understood how difficult it was often times to cope. That no matter what I told him, he was always there, never judging and offering another pocket full of coping skills to try to assist me.

To be totally honest, I do not think I would be here right now if it was not for the support of my doctors. Before joining Psychlinks, they were the only two in my life who actually had any understanding for the pain I was feeling.

But I know I need help or I'm going to snap or kill myself. Regardless, I keep going back and keep being unable to get help.

I am glad you are reaching out, reaching out is one of the most difficult things to do. Especially with mental illness, cause often times we feel we are alone, that we are the only one with these feelings and, that it is our own personal diagnosis.

Do you have a family doctor? How is your repore with your family doctor? Can you maybe ask your family doctor for a referal to a psychologist/psychiatrist?

I know it is hard to trust, I really do. Because sometimes to trust makes us feel like we have to relinquish control, but we can always ask questions, ask for assurance from our doctors. It is important to keep an open mind and believe they have our best interests in mind.

I wish you all the best. Took me close to a half hour in total to write this reply, see I lose focus and get confused too!

You are for sure not alone.

Glad you joined us!

 

[tallshyone]

See NikNak you just made me feel better because you said ...

I believe mine to be a combination of lack of concentration, inablility to focus and boredom (at times) Even typing this reply, it has already taken me over five minutes to collect, so far, what I have said. Then try to put it all into words that hopefully people can understand.

I really hate that I have all these great thoughts and they never seem to come out the same as in my head.or where they make sense to anyone other than me...

So hear is another thought maybe write all your thoughts down(or type them out)regardless of grammer or making sense etc ... sometimes I feel better just getting it out kinda like scream therapy or something .
And I am a firm believer that people need to cry sometimes because even if it leaves you with a stuffy nose sometimes it gives you the moments to calm down etc .